HSGs and Saline Ultrasounds

After much anticipation, I finally had the saline ultrasound and HSG this morning! And they weren't too bad.

The saline ultrasound was worse than the HSG, but the AFC/Exam portion of it was worse than the actual saline portion. I am definitely not a fan of the trans-vaginal ultrasounds, they are fast rising to the top of my things that suck list. The Dr. had a tough time counting follies on one side and had to press down on my stomach while pressing up with the wand which was really uncomfortable. She also had a tough time placing the catheter (speculum, dilate the cervix, thread the catheter through and up into the uterus) so it took awhile, but the saline injection itself wasn't too uncomfortable. All in all, I was really glad E was there holding my hand.

My ovaries looked fine, if rather empty, and my uterus looked fine too. The only concern was that she thinks she dislodged a piece of my endometrial lining when she put the catheter in but she was only 90% sure. If the little blob wasn't endometrial lining, it could have been a tiny polyp so she suggested I come back for another test, a Hysteroscopy. It sounds like an awful test (several needles to my uterus??? while I'm awake??) but she said if we're going to do IVF we might as well check everything :(

I'm still not sure how I feel about it, especially since I'm pretty darn sure it was just dislodged lining. She did a detailed ultrasound before inserting the catheter and it wasn't there until after she put the catheter in. If I go through with the test I'm supposed to start taking progesterone tonight which will thin out my lining and stop the 10.5mm follie she saw developing from maturing. I'm a week away from ovulating, from that little follie being ready to go. Logically I know DH and I have no chance of conceiving with 0 motility but actively preventing any chance just feels so wrong.

Since the RE had such a tough time getting the catheter in, she said she was going to leave it in so we could use it for my HSG. Then she accidentally pulled it out at the end, working on autopilot. Since she does these all day and the radiology department has less experience with cervixes, she put in a second one which was just soooo much fun -_- And as I'd read, you definitely leak saline afterwards, I didn't notice until it went down my leg, while I was still laying there and got my socks wet, ugh. I then got to get dressed with the catheter taped to my thigh, go down 4 floors, fill my prescription at the pharmacy, cross the street to another building, go up a floor and stand in the waiting room since I couldn't sit -_-

That was probably my least favorite part of the experience, the radiologist later asked me how I got there since I didn't have a wheelchair and you don't generally walk around with a catheter hanging out of your ladybits. I told her I took tiny steps lol.  After they wouldn't let E in, and the radiology tech tried to direct me into the wrong position, I was really glad that I'd had it put in by the RE, even if I had an uncomfortable walk. All the radiologist had to do was plug into the catheters IV port and inject the dye. Both tubes were nice and open, the dye shot through one side and after I tiled slightly, shot through the other, and not a single cramp from the dye, though it could have been that I was so uncomfy already I didn't notice.

All in all not too bad, a little uncomfortable but not awful by any stretch. 

SA Number 5, Christmas Hope??

We just got E's 5th semen analysis back and we are SO confused! I have been shoving supplements down E's throat  encouraging E to take FertilAid for Men, Count Boost for Men and Motility Boost for Men for the past few months and I can't believe they might actually be working. Keep in mind E's hormone levels have always been perfect, so its not like the supplements could correct something that wasn't broken, and we still don't have the results of his genetic testing yet, but look!

SA 1 at Lab A: 0.65 million, 0 motility
SA 2 at Lab B: 0
SA 3 at Lab C: 0
SA 4 at Lab C: 10 million, 0 motility
SA 5 at Lab C: 23 million, 0 motility

Again his doctor doesn't seem to be too enthused, he ordered another SA for him and said we should focus on my procedures tomorrow. The motility is still, and has always been, 0 and the morphology is always N/A, I think because they're don't grade them if they're not moving. We're trying not to get our hopes up since 23 million dead sperm are no more useful than 1 dead sperm, and they might still be genetically defective, but we're so so glad to see the number moving impossibly upwards!

Tomorrow is the HSG and saline ultrasound, I'm not expecting to see anything wrong on either test so hopefully our goodish news streak will continue. 

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Jew Tree 2013

This year Hanukkah was so freakishly early that it barely felt like the holidays. We didn't have our tree in time, because who has trees before Thanksgiving? and all our gifts were stored on the top of the living room Armoire. It was pretty sad. Because of the rather pathetic holiday spirit in our house, and the fact that Hanukkah was over on December 4th, it was suggested that we might forgo our tree this year. 

Not having a tree probably wouldn't have been awful, but it's one of the only holiday traditions that E and I have carried with us from house to house. It doesn't feel like the holidays without it, and with all the TTC crap we're dealing with, it turns out it means a lot to have that little symbol of the holidays in our home.

So, E and I began looking. We checked out our usual lot, as well as a handful of others, and nothing was looking right. Our environmentally friendly tree lot, Santa and Sons, had gorgeous trees, but they were all around $200+. The smaller lots had better prices, but really shoddy, sad looking trees. I was starting to get pretty discouraged when I happened upon a Groupon for Mr. Jingles, $35 for $70. Most of their trees weren't "perfect" either and E was starting to lobby for us leaving when bam! there he was. Propped up against the fence in a corner of the lot with a big gnarly bush in front of it, was a gorgeous, hugely fat Noble Fir. E was pretty sure he'd be too big for the space, being nearly as wide as he was tall, but I was in love and he was perfect.

 

Don't let the size comparison fool you! Our tree is a little shorter than normal this year, but the super helpful tree lot guy was 6'5" and he's standing on a little ledge here. E was still pretty hesitant but, helpful again, the tree lot guy sealed the deal for us. Instead of buying the Groupon, because Groupon would take a cut, tree lot guy suggested he just give us the discount as is. He also quoted us the tree at the 7-8 foot price, so instead of $115, our tree was $45. They would even put our Santa and Son's stand on the tree for us. E was sold. 

  

Giddy with our tree purchase, another Mr. Jingles employee loaded him up and we set off to make the very short trip home. I think we got maybe one or two blocks around the corner before we started to seriously regret not purchasing at Santa and Sons. While we love the tree, it was crystal clear that the lot guy had absolutely no idea how to tie it down. We had to stop over and over to tighten the increasingly slack, thin cords, while the tree slipped further and further back and I held onto it out the passenger window. It was an experience I have no desire to repeat and we were so glad to get our tree home in one piece.  Lesson learned: at least where tree tying experience is concerned, you get what you pay for.  Our Santa and Sons trees never budged on a journey 4 times as long. 

Finally we got our beauty home, squeezed him through the front door and stood him on his thankfully sturdy stand. Another surprise awaited us when I realized that our water absorbing floor pad had been peed on by a cat, so we covered the floor with tarp before putting down towels. This system works well for us, it protects the floor from any spills and allows us to fold up the towels and shake out any needles when it's time for the tree to come down. My sister L usually partakes in the tree trimming, so E and I wound our 5 million lights around the tree and waited for L to come over and help with the ornaments. 

All things considered, our 2013 Jew tree has turned out to be a surprising success. Fat and bushy, he fits perfectly in our tree space and looks gorgeous decked out in all our ornaments. I can't speak to his longevity, though I suspect he won't last until February like a Santa and Sons tree, but we are so glad he didn't fall off the top of my car.

Lab Results!

On Saturday we returned to the Kaiser lab for our multitude of tests. E submitted another semen sample and gave another 3 vials of blood, and I had the extreme pleasure of giving 11 vials of blood. The experience could have been horrible, but I got a wonderful tech who found the vein on the first try, even though she couldn't feel it. I'm so grateful for techs like her :)

Now that a couple days have gone by, the early results are starting to trickle in.  My TSH has come down to just below 2.5, which is still high for me but not as bad as we thought it was. It also turns out that I have the exact opposite blood type that I was told I have by Kaiser. In high school I donated blood at Kaiser for my grandmother's surgery, and a few days later was given a little card with my name and blood type on it. For over 10 years I've been living my life and telling doctors that I'm B- when, according to the newest test, I am actually A+. Mind blown. I'm not sure how a mistake could have been made at the blood bank, since I'm assuming my most recent test is accurate, but it will be nice to not need the RhoGam shot if/when we do get pregnant. I'm still waiting on the results of the other lab tests but they'll probably take a few weeks.

In even bigger news, we got E's 4th SA back and the results were totally startling! So far we've had a 0.65 million, a 0, another 0, and this last one showed 10 million! There was still no sign of any motility so we still don't know if we can obtain anything usable but the numbers were so shocking that E didn't believe them. Our doctor has suggested that its a one time fluke and we shouldn't get our hopes up but I've got my fingers crossed. We've been supplementing the crap out of his sperm with FertilAid for Men, Count Boost and Motile Boost and it would be great to know that they're actually working. His next SA, number 5, is on the 23rd and my tests are on the 26th so we're keeping our fingers crossed. 

New RE = More Tests

So after waiting over a month for the urology appointment, the Kaiser system worked a little faster and we were able to get in to see the RE on Black Friday. My overall impression of her was positive, she allowed us to share our story and explain where we are and agreed with most of our assumptions and concerns. For me, she ordered more lab work as well as a saline ultrasound and a hysterosalpingogram. For E, another couple lab tests. Once we begin the procedure for IVF, Kaiser will no longer cover anything so she would like to cover all our bases now.

I will have to go in for my labs on Monday and pick up a course of antibiotics for the hysterosalpingogram since E had to get to work on Friday and we didn't have time. The RE said she very rarely has a case where they can't find any reason at all for male infertility and thinks E might have a microdeletion on his Y chromosome. If he does, the location will play a big part in whether we're able to retrieve viable sperm. And, if we can get viable sperm that produces viable embryos, we will have to have PGD to select for female embryos since any male children will inherit the same deletion.

However, given the information we have thus far, it's likely that we're going to have to use a donor. The RE does agree that I have diminished ovarian reserve and is very concerned that we may have a rapidly closing window to retrieve viable eggs. There was also some confusion over my AFC, during the appointment the RE at the fertility clinic told me 3 and 4 follies for a total of 7. However, the paperwork he faxed over said 3 and 7 for a total of 10, which while it would be AMAZING, doesn't match up with my FSH or my memory. Regardless, the new RE is concerned that in a couple years I will not have any eggs left.

Given that prognosis, we need to think seriously about the IVF vs IUI decision. Kaiser would pay for an IUI, which would be much less invasive and inexpensive. If we were successful, it would probably be at least 2 years before we tried for a second child and by then I might be completely out of eggs. If I did still have high quality eggs left for siblings, we would need to store our donor of choice and do IUI again. If we do IVF now, it will be entirely out of pocket, more invasive and expensive, but will hopefully yield enough embryos that we can freeze some and use them for a second and/maybe third child. It would also mean we would have the same donor for all our children since the embryos would all be made at once.

We've been talking back and forth about it and have just started to casually look at donors online. We won't have DH's results for another month since they have to grow the genetic test in culture, but they probably won't be good. In the meantime, the RE wants me to take DHEA three times a day, keep taking a prenatal and see if I can get my thyroid levels down. While all my tests for the past 10 years have been below or around 1,  my last one was 3. Although it's still technically normal, numbers over 2.5 are associated with much higher rates of miscarriage so I'm going to need to do something about that.

Going back to go forward

The end of November is here and E finally got the chance to see the new urologist. I, of course, had jury duty all day so he had to go by himself. We arranged to keep me on speakerphone, since facetime wasn't private enough, so I could at least listen in on the appointment and hear everything first hand. It was quite awkward pacing the courthouse halls talking about motility, count and the failure of my ovaries, but I'm glad I got to participate.

Even though we've run a whole host of tests, this new urologist wants two more semen analysis tests and another set of labs. E started the blood work and we have a specific schedule for the SAs, I think they're going to be more detailed tests this time. Our last Kaiser SA reported 0 as "less than 2 million" so the new urologist thinks it wasn't a sensitive enough test. Like just about everything in the infertility process thus far, it could turn out to be a good thing or a bad thing.

E might not have a 0 count which would mean he can produce sperm which would be amazing! However it would also mean that there isn't something correctable like a blockage that we could reverse easily to get him to a normal count. There's also the concern about motility though, which suggests that the sperm he's producing isn't viable. It all points to IVF again, so while the particulars have changed, I think the end result is the same. 

Our next appointment is for me on the 29th. I think it's going to be another general "this is how the infertility process goes, these are the tests we run" even though we have already had that conversation with several different doctors. At least I was able to get our records faxed over.

I know the infertility process isn't going to be easy, but I sure wish it was less repetitive.

E Update

After lots and lots of anxious waiting, E's results are in. His lab work was absolutely and completely normal, I'm actually pretty jealous of his FSH level, it was way way better than mine. Unfortunately, or fortunately? his third semen analysis came back at a zero. We aren't sure if this indicates a partial blockage, which would be fixable with microsurgery, or a genetic problem like a lack of the cells that produce sperm.

The next step is a biopsy to see if there are any viable sperm in there. You'd think since all the medical professionals agree on this course of action, that it wouldn't be too difficult to move forward. Unfortunately, you'd be wrong. E can't proceed with his biopsy with his current urologist, he needs a specialist in the urology department at a different Kaiser.  After E's results came in, his urologist said he was referring us to this new urologist. Then, he accidentally forgot to put through the referral before he went on vacation. In the two weeks it took E's urologist to get back from vacation, almost the entire month of November filled up :( We were expecting this so I had tried to schedule the appointment sooner, as both the current urologist's nurse and the new urologist's nurse knew the referral was supposed to be sent, but it was no good.

Now that the referral is finally in, the new urologist's office refused to schedule the appointment because our insurance still shows no infertility coverage. I had to explain that the new coverage is coming and argue with three different people before they agreed to make the appointment.
E has his next appointment on November 25^th, which also happens to be the day I have jury duty and we'll have guests from out of town >_< I expect it will be another consultation instead of the biopsy he's supposed to be having so at least it won't slow him too down too much.

We did get the good news that our new insurance should be in effect as of November 1st but it didn't come quite fast enough to stop the payments for our individual plans. I also called on the first to confirm the new plans and cancel the individual ones, and they had no record of the new ones. I'm assuming it takes a little while for all the paperwork to be processed on their end, but it sure isn't making things easy and the waiting is driving me nuts.

Urological Update

Today was E's urological consult with what turned out to be the director of the department. He was an excellent doctor, really down to earth and honest without being overly optimistic or depressing. E's physical exam was normal, as we had all expected, and the doctor ordered blood work and semen analysis number 3. We're waiting on the results of the blood work now and semen analysis number 3 will be on Monday.

More importantly, he advised us to manage our expectations. Don't get too high or too low. He said he has seen so many couples spend hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant without success. That more often than not, people were not the exception to the rule and that he defined success as a baby in your arms, while most clinics define it as a positive test. That we shouldn't tie our self worth in with our ability to have biological children.

On the downside, he seemed to be laying the ground work for what sounded like inevitable bad news. He talked about friends who have wonderful adopted children. How the most important thing is E and I together as a couple, that we're here because we love each other and to not lose sight of that. I know that it's easy to do, that the stress of treatment, the hormones and failures can take its toll on your body and mind. That having a child can come to mean two different things to each partner and that even a strong relationship can be sorely tried.

The doctor said that if E's FSH results come back with a level like 40, we have no hope of having E's biological babies. Right now we're hoping for normal blood work to indicate a mechanical problem somewhere in the factory. Mechanical problems might be fixable, while high FSH, like my high FSH, can't really be fixed.  He said that if a mechanical problem is indicated, that a biopsy would be the next step. Since he agrees IVF is our only shot right now, if he found viable sperm while E was opened up, he would collect and preserve them for IVF.  I think this would save E a procedure, and potentially lots of money, since I don't think E can product viable sperm via ejaculate.

Overall, we were happy with E's new urologist. Now we just have more waiting, for lab work, for the SA, for some indication of what our next step is. We also need to determine whether we want to continue treatment with Kaiser and pursue their IVF clinic, out of pocket of course, or stick with the clinic we had our initial consult with. The urologist spoke highly of one of the IVF doctors in particular, and said he would introduce us, but I'm not sure they'd even be willing to treat me with my FSH as high as it is.

Another Blow

Yesterday the RE called and said that E's second semen analysis came back at 0. As in not One.Single.Sperm present, he might as well have poured water in the cup. This was after a one day hold, versus E's previous SA which was after a three day hold. 

While the RE had previously said he thought E's poor quality sperm was the result of genetics, he has now referred us to a urologist to rule out things like hormone imbalances and physical problems. I had asked about this during our initial consultation but he had tentatively ruled it out since E's first SA did show sperm present. It makes me really glad that we did another SA to confirm, since I was sure there had to be something more going on than just shitty genetics.

This morning, I called and set up an appointment with a urology specialist at Kaiser on the 10th. I'm not sure they are going to be able to do anything since we have no infertility coverage, but I figured it would pay to start with them before going directly to the outside specialist. The RE referred us to an excellent urologist who is one of the top in the country for male infertility problems, but he would be very pricey. Just in case, we called as got some info about him as well and he has an opening on the 17th if Kaiser is no help.  

We also have an appointment with a genetic counselor set up with Kaiser that I think they're going to cover, though the testing will likely be out of pocket. It will probably be a moot point anyway if we have to use a donor, but I am still proceeding with the intent of using E's sperm. I want to have our babies, not just a baby and I'm not ready to give up on that. 

Bad News and (Not So) Easy Choices

This morning, or more accurately this afternoon, E and I went in for our infertility consultation. Even though I tried to be optimistic, it was disheartening to have our challenges laid out so plainly. The RE went over all our test results and all our options, which are extremely limited. Because E has such severe male factor infertility, we can only go with IVF. Because I have so few eggs, we can only go with IVF. So basically, even if we were only dealing with one form of infertility, we'd still need to do IVF to get pregnant.

Right now E is a bit of a wild card. We're not sure whether his sperm are non motile because they're dead, or because they're just lazy fuckers. Our doctor ran another SA on E and we should have those results tomorrow, but considering the poor quality of his boys overall, the doctor is suggesting that we split the eggs.

Lets say we retrieve 13 eggs, and 10 are mature enough to use. Our RE is suggesting that we use E's sperm for 5 of the eggs and donor sperm for the other 5. That way, if none of E's swimmers are able to produce viable embryos, we still have those 5 other hopefully good quality embryos to implant. If we didn't do this and none of E's swimmers were able to produce embryos, the cycle would be cancelled and we would be out all the money we had spent.

I am not in much better shape than E. I had my AFC and while my uterus looked just fine, my ovaries only had 7 antral follicles between them. That's a pretty awful number for a 26 year old, the RE was hoping to see more like 20, making my high FSH a fluke. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case, my awful numbers are accurate and I really am running out of eggs. Yay :(

Now we get to wait for a phone call tomorrow. If E's results are improved, we can proceed with IVF. If they're still awful, we need to seriously consider whether we're okay with using donor sperm.  E was really against it when we discussed it before, but it might be the only way we can achieve a viable pregnancy. It's a lot to deal with and we're going to have to do some real thinking.

Out of control

I think the most difficult part of the infertility process for me has been the loss of control. I'm one of those people who really doesn't like to be out of control and unfortunately, infertility is something I have absolutely no control over right now. Tomorrow is our first consultation with an infertility specialist where I'll have an AFC done, a ultrasound to count my resting follicles, and we'll be going over IVF and any other options. This whole process has been weighing on my mind, I even dreampt about it last night. The doctor was doing my ultrasound and telling me that actually my eggs were just fine and if we could simply make E's swimmers swim, we could do IUI instead. I'm not sure if I should be holding out hope for that, but I've got my fingers crossed.

If it were only the infertility, I would probably be able to handle it just fine, but instead we seem to have walked into a shit storm of problems. Over the weekend, my best friend J's mother had a stroke. She is like my other mother and it's really hard to see her so out of control too. The doctors originally said she'd be back to normal within a day or so, but now it looks like she will need a little more time to recover. A stroke, even a small one, is a big deal and should serve as a big warning to her that it might be time to slow down and take some time for herself.

Then, to add to the general stress, this morning I woke up with ringworm. That's right, I said RINGWORM. Weeks ago I brought Button to the vet because she wasn't feeling well. They ran some blood work and had to shave her chin to get access to a vein. A weekish later she had some fur loss and dry flaky skin on the back of her neck and chin so I called and asked if it could be something like ringworm. Our vet reassured us that it was just stress, which was easy to believe because she stressed herself out so much that she gave herself a fever, and directed me to put some neosporin on it. As it turns out, the clippers they used to shave her chin weren't completely sterile and she brought home ringworm along with a prescription for a new diet. Joy.

I for sure have ringworm where Button lays in my lap, and I may have some on my thigh as well. It's making me feel really gross and I was freaking out about the doctor tomorrow thinking I'm diseased until I realized that I could just put a band aid on it. I think it might be time for me to slow down and take a breath too -_-

That B*tch AF and Planning for Maybe Someday

AF arrived with a vengeance today that viciously stamped out any hope that we might still conceive on our own.   Even though I know, logically, that E's swimmers can't swim, everything about this month pointed to possible success. I was taking Metformin, FertilAid and FertilCm, we used Preseed, our timing was literally perfect.  I thought that maybe, just maybe, one really determined guy might have made it through. Plus, we just ordered a whole bunch of vitamins for E to improve his count and motility, and the laws of the universe clearly dictate that we should get pregnant right before we get a chance to use all those expensive goodies we already paid for. Apparently, E's swimmers didn't get the memo.

So after feeling miserable and sorry for myself most of the day, with the added PMS hormones making me feel like my chest was/is being crushed under the weight of my grief and yearning, I decided to distract myself with some photoshop decorating. I wanted to work on picking out a new aquarium to replace my current set up that is getting a bit old, but my mind was too stuck on babies.  I will blame the hormones again, but the truth is that it's difficult to think of much else these days, hormones or no.

I've mentioned before that I'm a bit of a planner. I like shopping in advance, prepping early, spreadsheets with color coded lists and goals and budgets. With this one track mind, I already have a vast amount of baby stuff stored that I've been buying over the past twoish years. I won't confirm its existence, but there might even be a list of every item organized by size and type so as to keep me from over buying in any one category.  First it was just a really adorable onesie or toy that was too cute to pass up and easy to put away for the future. Then several stores had unbelievable sales, there were some great craigslist finds, a fantastic thrift store and before I knew it I had amassed enough designer baby clothing to open a small boutique.

I have a very strong preference for gender neutral items and for the most part, didn't purchase anything that you couldn't put on a boy or a girl. There are a couple girly outfits, maybe 4? that I figured I could sell or gift if we don't have a little girl, but everything else is pretty neutral.  We could probably have twins tomorrow and have enough clothing to dress them until they're 2, with occasional gaps where one size category is a bit light. We also have my favorite LifeFactory bottles, some organic baby products, a couple blankets, some towels, some toys, even two terry cloth crib mattress covers. I freely admit that baby shopping was a form of birth control "we are waiting to have a child now, but I can buy this and know we'll be able to use it in the future!" and it has definitely helped me feel prepared and like we're making some sort of forward progression in the face of our complete lack of success.

Among my shopping goodies is the crib set and some nursery decor that I can't wait to use when we're finally successful. I fell in love with it the moment I saw it and haven't wavered in my desire to use it since. Using it as a starting point, E and I have already designed the nursery we'd like our future baby to have. Of course this was based around the idea that we'd have a singleton baby, but I'd feel perfectly comfortable adapting it to twins if we end up that lucky with IVF. Again, it's very gender neutral and it gives me hope that one day we'll have a baby to go with it.

I fully realize that it's kind of pathetic to be planning a nursery for a baby that doesn't and might never exist, but I have to hope that we will be successful eventually, even if we have to do multiple rounds of IVF. E and I want to be parents too badly to give up, however we have to build our family, and photoshopping our favorite items together made the weight crushing my chest feel a little lighter this evening. I think I might be a bit of an oddball here too, from my limited experience with the infertility world, it seems that most women find it too painful to see and interact with babies and the things that go along with them. I feel completely the opposite, spending time with my wonderful friends and their equally amazing kids makes me feel even more hopeful for the future instead of depressed about the present.

There's no denying that our fertility present sucks really, really hard right now, but someday in the not so distant future, I will be putting together this nursery for a little one of our own.

Two wrongs can't make it right: The 30%

I know I said we'd be getting results back by the end of the week, but it ended up taking forever to get our hands on the test results. My cortisol results came back negative for Cushings, which we weren't at all surprised about, but I suppose that is good news. Unfortunately, we did not get so lucky with E's Semen Analysis.

E's results came in last Monday and due to some fax mishaps, we weren't able to get our hands on them last Thursday. Once we did get them, I kind of wished they hadn't come in. It turns out that we are dealing with rather severe male factor infertility - low sperm count, less than 1 million, and 0 motility. It actually says 0, not low, or hey just a few are determined enough to swim, actually 0. What lazy little fuckers. E and I keep picturing them playing on a PS3 like nah, I could move but I'm much too busy.

This news puts us into the worst 30% - 30% of couples have female factor infertility, 30% have male factor infertility and 30%, including us, are unfortunate enough to have both. Basically, we have 0% of conceiving on our own. Kind of like 0% motility.

Today we had a phone consultation with a doctor at one of the local fertility clinics. I don't know the first thing about selecting a fertility clinic, but this one offered a free phone consultation so I figured it was a good first step. E and I spoke with him for a few minutes on the phone and once he heard my lab results he pretty much said, aw crap, you should have started fertility treatment yesterday, you have diminished ovarian reserve/premature ovarian failure/old and moldy eggs.  He was less worried about E's abysmal SA results since all he needs is one spermie to create an embryo, even if it's poor quality and even if he has to go in to E's testicles to get it.

He immediately booked us for the first available appointment after this cycle ends so he can ultrasound my ovaries and see if there are any follicles. There should be some, since I definitely ovulate every month, but I don't know about their quality. And of course, since we have no infertility coverage, this is all going to be out of pocket. After we hung up with him I had to call back and speak to their financial department to find out a little bit more about cost. It seems that the appointment will run us $200 and the ultrasound either $275 or $700 depending on whether it's a regular ultrasound or a fluid ultrasound. This is where I'm officially starting the tab for our infertility treatment (Plus E's SA!), if there's a higher power out there, please have mercy on my uterus and our checkbooks.

(Source)

It seems crazy to be running out of eggs at only 26 but I guess this is our new reality. Even though the doctor didn't tell us anything we weren't already expecting to hear, it still hurt like hell to hear it confirmed. I felt like crying all over again and I think it's really starting to sink in for E. I really hope this fertility clinic is a good place, because I feel a bit too fragile right now to start calling places and asking for references. I'm sure I'll pull myself together tomorrow or the next day, but for now it just hurts.

My positive spin for the day is that if E's swimmers could swim, we would already be pregnant or have a baby right now but have NO idea that I'm rapidly running out of eggs. We would have tried to have a second child in a couple years only to find that I am completely out of eggs and have no chance of having another. Because his sperm can't swim, we have the opportunity to address these problems now, while I still have eggs, hopefully enabling us to bank some embryos and have more than one child in the future.

Love is a Verb

I came across an article on Facebook this afternoon that I almost didn't click on. It was called "I Didn't Love My Wife When We Got Married". My first thought was "Well why did you get married then??" but it was an intriguing title and hooked me just enough to click the link. I casually read through it, pausing at the point where the writer talks about his accelerated courtship, and began to pay a bit more attention when he talked about how the fire of a new relationship died away in the face of practical daily life.

I’m a ridiculous, emotional, over-sentimental sap.  I guess that’s why I told my wife I loved her on our second date.

I had tried really hard up to that point to hold it back, honestly.  I wanted to tell her on the first date, but I knew that would probably be weird.

I still remember her reaction.  She kind of gave me this half-shy, half-amused smile.  Then she nodded and looked off into the sky.

I wasn’t heartbroken by the response.  I think part of me recognized that she was much smarter and more modest than me.

But as time has gone on, I also realized that she knew something that I didn’t.
Like most Hasidic Jews (we both became religious later in life), our dating period lasted a very short time.  After two months of dating, we were engaged.  Three months after that, we were married.

And that whole time I was swooning.  This fire was burning in me, a fire that burned just like that second date: I was in love.

But then we got married, and everything changed.

Marriage, quicker than I was ready for, did this thing: it started sucking away that emotion.

I tried so hard to keep that fire going, to keep that emotion alight, but it got harder and harder.

I mean, how you can feel that burning love when you’re sitting at the table discussing how to use the last twenty dollars in your bank account?
How can you feel it when you get into an argument?
How can you feel it when you think it makes perfect sense to put your socks on the floor after you’re done with them, and she has this crazy idea that they need to go in the laundry basket?

There was no way I could keep that dating fire burning as practicality invaded our lives.
And at first, it drove me nuts.  That emotion meant love!  That excitement was how I knew I cared for her!  But suddenly, life was this grind.  Even when I was with her.  Especially when I was with her.

And even worse, it seemed that the harder I tried to be sentimental and lovey-dovey, the less it was reciprocated.

E and I were together for 9 years before we got married and I think a huge part of our relationship is explained by the idea that love is a verb. We started dating when we were only teenagers, a bit selfish and certainly swayed by that burning fire of new romance. I think we may have felt even more of that passion than some people, since our relationship developed first as a teenage love and then later as a more adult love. I "fell in love" with handsome and funny E in high school, and then all over again mature and charming E in college. I won't lie and say we didn't have some serious pitfalls along the way - after all, growing up is tough to do when you only have to think about yourself and your own feelings, let alone another person - but it wasn't until our relationship became "boring" that I think we truly fell in love.

But it wasn’t that she wasn’t giving me love, it just seemed to come at different times.
Like, when I offered to do the dishes.  Or make dinner after she had a hard day.  Or, once we had a daughter, when I shared the responsibility of watching over her.

I don’t think I noticed this consciously for a while.  It just kept happening.

But I think it had an effect on me.  Because as our marriage progressed, I found myself offering to help out around the house more and more.

And after each time, there would be this look she would give me.  This look of absolute love.  One that was soft and so beautiful.

It took me longer than I care to admit to understand what was happening.

But eventually it became clear.  Through giving, through doing things for my wife, the emotion that I had been so desperately seeking naturally came about.  It wasn’t something I could force, just something that would come about as a result of my giving.
In other words, it was in the practicality that I found the love I was looking for.
And what was even more interesting was that once I realized this on a conscious level, and started trying to find more opportunities to give, the more we both, almost intuitively, became lovey-dovey.

And now, as I’m a bit older and a bit more experienced with this relationship, I’ve finally come to realize something. Something I haven’t wanted to admit for a long time, but is undeniable.

I didn’t love my wife on that second date.
I didn’t love her when we got engaged.
I didn’t even love her when we got married.

Because love isn’t an emotion.  That fire I felt, it was simply that: emotional fire.  From the excitement of dating a woman I felt like I could marry.  But it wasn’t love.
No, love isn’t an emotion or even a noun.  It’s a verb.  Better defined as giving.  As putting someone else’s needs above your own.

Why wasn’t I getting reciprocal lovey-doveyness when we were first married?  Because it wasn’t for her.  It was for me.  An emotion I had in my chest.
And even when I let it out of my chest, it wasn’t love.
Being sappy isn’t love.  Telling someone you love them doesn’t mean that you do.
And that’s why my wife just gave me that half-smile.  She knew, even if I didn’t, what love really is.

Read the rest of the article here.

I've been told that my relationship with, and now my marriage to, E is "boring" on more than one occasion.  I usually shug it off because really, the flashy passion of a new relationship is much easier to see and explain than the quiet love in an old one. In our house, love is emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the potty box or folding the laundry. It's picking up E's Fav Red Starburst or putting his registration sticker on because he hates doing it. Sure there are romantic dinners and date nights out, but there's nothing sexier than a man who will clean the potty box without being asked.  While it's a little sappy, and I still find Disney movies sweet, I do think this particular author is able to capture the giving action of love with honesty and clarity.

Now if only E and I could get a chance to fall in love all over again over changing diapers and late night feedings. We're still waiting to hear back from the endocrinologist and fertility clinic but hopefully we'll have good news soon.

Two to Tango

Even though we know there's something definitely going on with me,  it takes two to tango and my doctor instructed us to set up a Semen Analysis for E. There is a male factor to infertility in 30% of cases, and another 30% where there is both a male and female factor. Our present insurance doesn't cover any aspect of infertility, so we had to go outside the system and visit a fertility clinic.

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While the staff at the clinic were very nice, I think it was definitely an unpleasant experience for both of us. Poor E had to become better acquainted with a cup than I'm sure he ever wanted to be, and I got to discuss out of pocket price scales for infertility treatment. I keep saying the word "Infertility" and expecting to become desensitized to the sting, but it still doesn't seem like I'm referring to myself. My family doesn't deal with "infertility", my mother had my sister and I at 34 and 38 without blinking, so what business do I have having problems at 26?

As it turns out, the clinic we chose for it's receptionist's kind phone voice, it's close location and low SA cost - only $125 instead of $225 like the bigger clinics, is not in our future insurance network. After a little prodding, they don't like giving out prices unless you're sitting in a closed appointment room, they told me that their IVF cycles are about $16,000 a pop with medication, while an IUI will only set you back about $1200. At this stage, they still don't know what's wrong with me or if E has something going on too, but my doctor seems to be hinting that we need to plan for trouble.

After a few minutes in the tidy but infertility filled waiting room, I also noticed that I felt a little bit out of place there.  All the other patients seemed to be business professionals with about 10-20 years on me and it really hit home again that most people don't have these issues at my age. E and I are still hoping to be younger parents, although that window is closing quickly, and I can't decide if it's a good thing that we're getting a jump on this problem early, or a bad thing that we're already here when we're both supposedly so young.

Our next step is basically to wait. Wait for the endocrinologist to get back to my Ob/Gyn about my screwed up hormones, wait for orders for more tests to be sent in, wait for the SA results to come in for E, and wait to find out why we can't seem to get pregnant.

A Fruitless Effort

Over the past year, there have been many things going on behind the scenes that I haven't been able to post about. Chief among those is E and I's unsuccessful attempt to start our family. E and I have kept things quiet mostly to preserve our privacy, but I think I'm ready to share a bit anonymously here to help process everything going through my mind. We have chosen to keep these issues private from our family in particular, since we want to surround ourselves with entirely supportive people now that we know we are going to be facing issues.

(source)

E and I have been trying to have a baby for a little over a year now. Remember this post so long ago? Yeah, apparently it's coming true Naively, we thought it would be pretty easy. We have heard all our lives how we were each "first attempt" babies, so we had better be absolutely 100% sure we were ready before trying since it would happen immediately. We tried casually in the beginning, since after all, this baby making stuff is supposed to be fun! We relaxed, went on vacation and didn't think about it too hard. When that didn't seem to work, we progressed to taking things a bit more seriously. I started charting my BBT, we tried to plan better, and I thought for sure this would do the trick. Six months came and went, the national average time it takes most people to conceive, so we stepped things up again and I joined the gym and began taking fertility supplements to try and get healthier. Nine months passed, I added more supplements for both E and myself, and I confess I thought for sure we'd at least be preggo by now if we didn't already have a baby.

(Source)

Finally, we hit twelve months and it was time to make an appointment with my Ob/Gyn. I added OPKs (ovulation predictor kits - there's a lot of peeing on sticks in this TTC business) to my routine so I could bring her the most information possible and I went in for my first round of CD3 labs. Surprisingly, or not surprisingly, those labs came back with pretty discouraging results. It looked like there might be something wrong, but really, at only 26 years old, it had to be a fluke. My Ob/Gyn put me on Metformin, a diabetes drug that has the somewhat baffling side effect of improving your fertility, and assured me that I'd be knocked up in no time. Then she ordered another set of CD3 labs to contradict the flukey labs and, now in our 13th month, I went in again. Unfortunately, these results were even worse than the first set, and instead of calling to ease my mind, I got a call that my doctor is now officially "concerned".

I was hoping that all this testing would come back normal, and I'd get the usual "just relax" talks that everyone gives you when you reveal that you're having trouble getting pregnant. I really believed that if we could just de-stress, take a vacation and stop thinking about getting pregnant, that things would just "happen". Instead, my doctor is now throwing around phrases like Cortisol Disorder, Atypical Cushing's Disease and Premature Ovarian Failure.  They're really not sure what is going on with me, but it's officially not something that I can relax away :(

Camp Gyno

I got my period when I was 12 and I totally remember that awkward stage where you're no longer a child but not comfortable being a teenager yet. Should I buy pads or tampons? What if the check out person looks at what I'm buying?? How can I sneak my pads into the bathroom?? Maybe I should buy those tampons that fold in on themselves so you can hide them in your pocket and OMGNOONEWILLKNOW.

This is probably the funniest pad/tampon/period commercial I've ever seen. Mostly because it's so accurate and because that kid plays her part perfectly.

 

I wish they'd had a service that sends you pads and candy when I was a teen!

Down with DOMA

Today, the Supreme Court struck down DOMA, the Defense of Marriage Act, and California's Prop 8 as unconstitutional. I am so proud of our country for finally recognizing that there can be no freedom without equality. What a monumental victory for human rights.

Congratulations to all my dearest friends and family who can now enjoy the same rights and privileges their heterosexual counterparts have been enjoying for centuries.  It's about damn time.

Gyming It

Back in March, E and I decided that it was about time I joined back up with the gym. I feel like the gym is one of those things you really have to be ready to commit to and actually want to go to or you never will. I used to go religiously almost 10 years ago and even had a personal trainer I met with twice a week. I was on a strict no carb diet and was at my absolute trimmest, but I only went for about two years until I left for college. Then I had no time for anything lol.

Now, I have both the time and the motivation and I'm hoping to get healthier and possibly trimmer in the long run. I've been going six days a week, Monday through Saturday, and taking a mixture of Body Works, a body sculpting class, and Zumba.

I wish my gym looked like this. It definitely doesn't.

Zumba has turned out to be a great deal more fun than I was expecting. I knew it was popular, but for some reason I wasn't sure if I'd like it. I've now taken it with a handful of different instructors, and a good teacher makes all the difference. My favorite instructor has a more dance oriented style that feels really hip and fun,  I love taking her class twice a week. I take classes with another instructor as well, but I am not as big a fan of her style and music choice. You can dance to pretty much anything with a good beat, but it helps if you like what you're dancing to. It's basically a crapton of cardio and strength training in the form of squats, many many squats.

The Bodyworks class is more of a necessity than the Zumba class. It also involves a great deal of cardio, but adds weight lifting and other things in as well.  Squats, lunges, bicycling, push ups, sit ups, running, steps etc. I always feel like my ass has been kicked after that class, but it is paying off. In the beginning I could manage one girly push up and used the 2.5lb weights with great difficulty. That doesn't sound like a lot, but believe me, when you have to do a set of 300, it Hurts. I can now manage about 50 girly push ups in the middle of the work out, and recently did an entire class with 5lb weights. I thought my arms might fall off, but I was able to get it done :)

This is a tiny fraction of one of my classes, doing one of our songs after class. 

During class, that room is PACKED.

My one hang up for working out is that I haven't stepped on a scale yet and have no intention of doing so any time soon. I really want working out to be something I do regardless of what the scale says, and if I make it about the numbers I feel like I'll get disappointed and lose my motivation. Right now, that motivation is being healthy, having fun, and getting into better shape for having a baby. I don't need numbers on a scale for that :)

Introducing...Cillian!

Introducing....Cillian!

We met Cillian, formerly Johnny, a year ago at our vet's rescue. He and his siblings were adorable fuzzy kittens and we were sure they'd all be adopted in no time. Fast forward a year, we head back to the vet for something and unbelievably, Cilly is still there! Most of the other kittens from his litter were long adopted but there he was, having lived the whole first year of his life in a cage. We decided to adopt him since he seemed like he'd be a great "family" pet and new companion for my sister, but surprise!

We brought him home and it was immediately clear that he was meant for me and E. He bonded almost immediately with E's chest and it feels like he was designed for our family. Since he grew up at the vet/rescue, he's super dog friendly and comfortable around barking and noise. At a year old, he's no longer a super needy kitten, he's playful enough to adore Milou, but not pesky enough to drive Button crazy. He's also out of the scratchy/bitey/picky phase which is wonderful. 

Cillian is equal parts spunky and cuddly, super talkative and sweet, is obsessed with my Macbook and Milou's bed, and we're so happy to call him ours.

Happy Mother's Day 2013

I haven't been posting much lately, since I've been keeping pretty busy and most of the things I'd like to post about are just a leetle too personal for a blog that's read by family members. I apologize for being away for so long and will hopefully get to update about everything soon!

I hope that all the mommies out there had a wonderful and relaxing Mother's Day. E and I had quite a lovely day, even though he had to work in the evening. To kick Mother's Day off, E and I went to a delicious brunch with his mom and some family friends. We ate at Eveleigh, the new "it" restaurant in the heart of West Hollywood, essentially a jasmine filled oasis in the middle of the city.

Everything was delicious, from the mimosas to the steak and eggs, and although the service was a little bit less than stellar, I'd highly recommend it for the ambiance and food.

To celebrate with my mom, we asked her to pick her favorite restaurant for dinner. E unfortunately couldn't come since he had to work last minute, but my mom chose a delicious Italian restaurant, Spumoni, to get take out from. They're one of our favorite spots and we hit them up on a fairly regular basis for their spaghetti bolognese (insanely delicious OMG) and lobster ravioli.

My sister and I also brought back a dozen delicious mini cupcakes from Yummy Cupcakes to cap off the celebration. By the time we got there, they were nearly sold out and we had to forgo our usual full size cupcakes in favor of the adorable mini ones. Their case had maybe 4 of the large but boring cupcakes and maybe three mini ones. We almost left empty handed until the cashier told us she had two boxes of the minis left behind the counter, so we snapped one of them up.

For a little gift, E and I made some beautiful Shutterfly books with our wedding photos in them for my mom and my mother in law. It's only been two years since we officially tied the knot but we figured it was about time people got some hard copies haha. My grandma received a beautiful potted Gardenia as well as a little brag book of wedding photos to keep with her photo stash in her purse. All in all I'd say it was a wonderful day celebrating some pretty special ladies. E and I were hoping to celebrate Mother's Day on a more personal level this year but it wasn't in our cards. Hopefully next year will be our year!

RIP Devlin

RIP Devlin

March 23rd, 2006 - April 1st, 2013

Early this morning, we had to put down our beloved kitty Devlin. He was only 6 years old and I can't believe that we're losing him so soon. Late Saturday night, Devlin had some sort of neurological episode - a rapidly progressing crypto infection, an autoimmune disease, or a brain tumor growing large enough to compress the vessels in his brain.

 

When Devlin was a kitten, he fell or jumped off my sister's bunk bed and broke both his hips. We weren't sure if anything could be done and my mother pushed hard for him to be put down. Instead, our wonderful vet operated on his hips and he was able to recover as good as new.  He was such a little fighter, we thought we'd have him with us for at least 15 years.  He used to love playing with Pippin, and when we lost Pip, Milou adopted Devlin as her own long lost puppy. She absolutely adored him, would cuddle him and clean him, and play with him all day.

Saturday night, he went from a sweet, spunky little boy to absolutely catatonic. We were devastated and readied ourselves for the worst, rushing him to the emergency vet who kept him overnight. Instead, he pulled through the night and morning and we scheduled him a neuro consult the next afternoon. Again, we were prepared to hear bad news but the vet was optimistic. We took some blood to test for crypto, started him on steroids to reduce the swelling in his brain and crossed our fingers, hoping for some good results to point us in the right direction.

      

While his condition had been comatose but stable to that point, around 10:30pm Sunday night he took a sharp turn for the worse.  He appeared to be herniating is brain stem and we rushed him back to the neuro vet. This time, there was nothing they could do and early Monday morning, we had to say goodbye and help him cross over the Rainbow Bridge. He had so much personality and spunk, our family will forever miss his presence in our lives.

RIP Devlin. We miss you so much.

 

2 Years Married and Marriage Equality

Yesterday E and I celebrated our second year of marriage, on the same day that Gays and Lesbians took their fight for equal rights to the supreme court. I have to say it felt bittersweet to celebrate our happy, nationally recognized union while so many of those dear to me don't have the right to marry the people they love.

E and I were hoping to celebrate with some lovely, much needed massages, but as it turned out there was no availability at the massage center. Instead, we went to a delicious Italian dinner and got some amazing gelato, not a bad replacement if I do say so myself.  We had a lovely time, fairly low key, and it felt just perfect.

Two/eleven years in and E and I are so ready to take our family to new places. We're itching to expand, to buy some property, add a new fur baby, add a tiny human etc.  I'm looking forward to spending the rest of my life being married to E, as all couples should have the right to do, and I hope that this next year will bring with it big changes for equality and for our little family. 

12 Day Update: Gum Graft

After poking around my blog I realized it had been far too long since I'd posted a TMI update photo of my gum graft. Thus, in the interest of documenting the healing process, I present to you more zombie/Frankenstein gums:

Raaaaaawwwwwwrrrrr!

As you can see, the palate tissue (light pink) is kind of a funny shape but seems to have remained successfully attached to my gums. It's completely invisible unless I pull my lip down so I think we can call it a success. My periodontist has offered to use microdermabrasion to sand down the graft in the future, but I can't imagine that would be particularly pleasant so I think I'm gonna pass. I don't think it's included in the original price either so it would probably be expensive.

My next appointment is on the 18th so I have a bit more time before I can call it healed. The donor site on the roof of my mouth is improving, I can't feel the edges anymore and the area feels smooth, but it's still a little tender and sore. It looks about the same even though it feels much better. Chewing anything on that side of my mouth is usually a bad idea but I've been okay to eat crunchy stuff as long as I'm careful.

Interestingly, I haven't received my bill yet. Don't worry, I had no doubt that they would NEVER forget to bill me lol. I know they submitted the report to my (old) dental insurance company but I haven't received any information on what they're willing to pay and what my portion will be. I've got my fingers crossed that it's not too much but I wouldn't be surprised if it was at least the price of a new macbook air. That sucks in all sorts of different ways because E actually needs a new laptop since his broke and I would much rather spend the money on that. Bleh.

I'm Insured!

When I woke up this morning I had an email from Kaiser waiting for me in my inbox.

The verdict?

I'm insured!

Apparently it is possible for a young, healthy individual with no pre-existing conditions to fork over a crapton of money each month for health care coverage. Honestly I can't believe how expensive it is, I'm going to be paying over four grand a year for the privilege of continuing to never go to the doctor lol.

My choices were the $25 co-payment plan or the $30/$1500 deductible plan. Both Kaiser, since there was no way I could afford the higher deductible plans offered by Anthem or Blue Shield. Those plans have $5000-$15000 deductibles which makes the insurance pretty much useless.

With Kaiser, there's about $100 difference per month between the plans. But, if we want to have a baby in the future it seems to pay to go with the $25 co-payment plan. With the $25 co-payment plan, a pregnancy and delivery is about $500. With the $30/$1500 deductible plan the same pregnancy and delivery would be about $2500. We're only talking about maybe an $800 difference when you factor in the higher monthly cost, but E felt it was worth it for the time being.

Either way, I'm really glad that I was deemed an acceptable candidate and offered insurance. There are so many people in the US who can't get insurance either due to a pre-existing condition or inability to pay the insane premiums. I'm so thankful that E and I are in a position where we can afford(ish) to pay for decent coverage. This way if I'm ever in an accident or we do decide to add some tiny humans to our family, we won't go completely broke paying for medical bills.

5 Day Update: Gum Graft

Today was the 5th day of healing from my exciting gum graft, and I got to have an impromptu visit with my periodontist!

Two days ago I was chugging along, dealing with the annoyance of the non-dissolvable stitches ripping the crap out of my lip when...

Whoops! There goes a chunk of tissue.

Huh. Was that a piece of the graft?

It looks like a piece of the graft...

Crap.

I promptly emailed my doc the following zombie photo:

Behold! The zombie gums. Grrrrrrr...nrrrrgg....raaaawwwrrrr!

I'll pause here for a moment to say yes, my doctor gave me not only his personal email, but also his cell number. He said to call/email/text/carrier pigeon him anytime I had a question and he meant it. How awesome is that? He even complimented me on my iphone-gum-o-graph skillz. He's awesome.

So, he says everything looks normal and healthy (reeeaaallly??) but I should come in for him to check it out anyway. He fits me in that same afternoon and after circling for parking and paying $2 dollars in quarters for an hour at a meter, I'm finally in his office. Parking is definitely the one big downside of this particular office, if you can't find a spot in the 2 hours free shopping lot you're stuck with a 1 hour meter.

Now I'm sitting in his chair and I explain about the creepy chunk of tissue I spit out. He looks at the graft and says yep, that's normal. Apparently, the outer layer of the graft is supposed to come off but he didn't mention it before since it usually comes off in such tiny pieces that most people don't notice it. He was also set up to take my stitches out, but since they're not quite ready it looks like I have to wait until Friday. He did at least trim up the ends that were poking and cutting my lip which should help since they were really driving me nuts. You can actually see the cuts they made in my poor lip in the above zombie photo. Owie.

His assistant was also nice enough to make me two new palate protectors (at no cost!) which I really appreciate. They seem to get pretty gross quickly and it's great to be able to dump the old one. What's weird is that she kept mentioning that the palate protector can be used as a bleaching tray. I wasn't sure if their usual Beverly Hills clientele are naturally obsessed with bleaching and whitening their teeth, or if my teeth are looking gross and yellow enough for her to say something O_O

Gum-Numb Style (TMI)

As part of my quest to get all my medical things in order before I lose my insurance, I had the wonderful experience of gum grafting surgery yesterday morning. In general, the procedure is really common; things like genetics, braces and brushing too hard can cause your gums to recede in places, exposing the root which doesn't feel great. In my case, it seems to be a bad spin on the genetic wheel. Thanks to my sperm donor, I have had low gums in front of one of my bottom front teeth and the only way to correct it was surgery.
 

Swollen frowny face, with my good buddy, a towel wrapped ice pack. Even my nose is swollen from the palate injections :(

They numb you up, take a little piece of tissue from the roof of your mouth and sew it into place where your gum is low. The whole procedure only takes about an hour and is generally minor. In fact, the whole thing really shouldn't have been a big deal except that I happen to have inherited more unfortunately genetics, this time from my mother's side. From her side, I got both an inherited allergy to all opiate drugs and a charming resistance to Novocain!

What should have been a short, painless procedure ended up being nearly twice as long; as soon as the Novocain took effect it began wearing off and I had to get more charming injections. I also apparently have extra nerves in my mouth, which, you guessed it, required even more injections haha. My periodontist ended up giving me enough Novocain to numb a small horse, ugh. Since I've never had a cavity or dental procedure before, neither of us knew what to expect but it certainly wasn't this. For the aftermath, instead of the Vicodin that they normally prescribe, I'm taking Advil and Tylenol which I have to be very happy with since it's all I can really take. Plus, my allergic reaction to Vicodin is so so very much worse than the procedure was, I'd undergo a hundred gum grafts before taking even half a pill.

Now, I have to wait for the graft to take and for the donor site to heal. In the meantime, my mouth looks like a Frankenstein zombie creation. Gum tissue is nice and pink but your palate (the donor tissue) is actually pretty pale. Eventually the graft should blend in better and pink up once a blood supply is established. Though it'll never blend in perfectly, I don't expect many people to be looking way inside my mouth anyway.

RAWR!