HSGs and Saline Ultrasounds

After much anticipation, I finally had the saline ultrasound and HSG this morning! And they weren't too bad.

The saline ultrasound was worse than the HSG, but the AFC/Exam portion of it was worse than the actual saline portion. I am definitely not a fan of the trans-vaginal ultrasounds, they are fast rising to the top of my things that suck list. The Dr. had a tough time counting follies on one side and had to press down on my stomach while pressing up with the wand which was really uncomfortable. She also had a tough time placing the catheter (speculum, dilate the cervix, thread the catheter through and up into the uterus) so it took awhile, but the saline injection itself wasn't too uncomfortable. All in all, I was really glad E was there holding my hand.

My ovaries looked fine, if rather empty, and my uterus looked fine too. The only concern was that she thinks she dislodged a piece of my endometrial lining when she put the catheter in but she was only 90% sure. If the little blob wasn't endometrial lining, it could have been a tiny polyp so she suggested I come back for another test, a Hysteroscopy. It sounds like an awful test (several needles to my uterus??? while I'm awake??) but she said if we're going to do IVF we might as well check everything :(

I'm still not sure how I feel about it, especially since I'm pretty darn sure it was just dislodged lining. She did a detailed ultrasound before inserting the catheter and it wasn't there until after she put the catheter in. If I go through with the test I'm supposed to start taking progesterone tonight which will thin out my lining and stop the 10.5mm follie she saw developing from maturing. I'm a week away from ovulating, from that little follie being ready to go. Logically I know DH and I have no chance of conceiving with 0 motility but actively preventing any chance just feels so wrong.

Since the RE had such a tough time getting the catheter in, she said she was going to leave it in so we could use it for my HSG. Then she accidentally pulled it out at the end, working on autopilot. Since she does these all day and the radiology department has less experience with cervixes, she put in a second one which was just soooo much fun -_- And as I'd read, you definitely leak saline afterwards, I didn't notice until it went down my leg, while I was still laying there and got my socks wet, ugh. I then got to get dressed with the catheter taped to my thigh, go down 4 floors, fill my prescription at the pharmacy, cross the street to another building, go up a floor and stand in the waiting room since I couldn't sit -_-

That was probably my least favorite part of the experience, the radiologist later asked me how I got there since I didn't have a wheelchair and you don't generally walk around with a catheter hanging out of your ladybits. I told her I took tiny steps lol.  After they wouldn't let E in, and the radiology tech tried to direct me into the wrong position, I was really glad that I'd had it put in by the RE, even if I had an uncomfortable walk. All the radiologist had to do was plug into the catheters IV port and inject the dye. Both tubes were nice and open, the dye shot through one side and after I tiled slightly, shot through the other, and not a single cramp from the dye, though it could have been that I was so uncomfy already I didn't notice.

All in all not too bad, a little uncomfortable but not awful by any stretch. 

SA Number 5, Christmas Hope??

We just got E's 5th semen analysis back and we are SO confused! I have been shoving supplements down E's throat  encouraging E to take FertilAid for Men, Count Boost for Men and Motility Boost for Men for the past few months and I can't believe they might actually be working. Keep in mind E's hormone levels have always been perfect, so its not like the supplements could correct something that wasn't broken, and we still don't have the results of his genetic testing yet, but look!

SA 1 at Lab A: 0.65 million, 0 motility
SA 2 at Lab B: 0
SA 3 at Lab C: 0
SA 4 at Lab C: 10 million, 0 motility
SA 5 at Lab C: 23 million, 0 motility

Again his doctor doesn't seem to be too enthused, he ordered another SA for him and said we should focus on my procedures tomorrow. The motility is still, and has always been, 0 and the morphology is always N/A, I think because they're don't grade them if they're not moving. We're trying not to get our hopes up since 23 million dead sperm are no more useful than 1 dead sperm, and they might still be genetically defective, but we're so so glad to see the number moving impossibly upwards!

Tomorrow is the HSG and saline ultrasound, I'm not expecting to see anything wrong on either test so hopefully our goodish news streak will continue. 

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Bad News and (Not So) Easy Choices

This morning, or more accurately this afternoon, E and I went in for our infertility consultation. Even though I tried to be optimistic, it was disheartening to have our challenges laid out so plainly. The RE went over all our test results and all our options, which are extremely limited. Because E has such severe male factor infertility, we can only go with IVF. Because I have so few eggs, we can only go with IVF. So basically, even if we were only dealing with one form of infertility, we'd still need to do IVF to get pregnant.

Right now E is a bit of a wild card. We're not sure whether his sperm are non motile because they're dead, or because they're just lazy fuckers. Our doctor ran another SA on E and we should have those results tomorrow, but considering the poor quality of his boys overall, the doctor is suggesting that we split the eggs.

Lets say we retrieve 13 eggs, and 10 are mature enough to use. Our RE is suggesting that we use E's sperm for 5 of the eggs and donor sperm for the other 5. That way, if none of E's swimmers are able to produce viable embryos, we still have those 5 other hopefully good quality embryos to implant. If we didn't do this and none of E's swimmers were able to produce embryos, the cycle would be cancelled and we would be out all the money we had spent.

I am not in much better shape than E. I had my AFC and while my uterus looked just fine, my ovaries only had 7 antral follicles between them. That's a pretty awful number for a 26 year old, the RE was hoping to see more like 20, making my high FSH a fluke. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case, my awful numbers are accurate and I really am running out of eggs. Yay :(

Now we get to wait for a phone call tomorrow. If E's results are improved, we can proceed with IVF. If they're still awful, we need to seriously consider whether we're okay with using donor sperm.  E was really against it when we discussed it before, but it might be the only way we can achieve a viable pregnancy. It's a lot to deal with and we're going to have to do some real thinking.

Out of control

I think the most difficult part of the infertility process for me has been the loss of control. I'm one of those people who really doesn't like to be out of control and unfortunately, infertility is something I have absolutely no control over right now. Tomorrow is our first consultation with an infertility specialist where I'll have an AFC done, a ultrasound to count my resting follicles, and we'll be going over IVF and any other options. This whole process has been weighing on my mind, I even dreampt about it last night. The doctor was doing my ultrasound and telling me that actually my eggs were just fine and if we could simply make E's swimmers swim, we could do IUI instead. I'm not sure if I should be holding out hope for that, but I've got my fingers crossed.

If it were only the infertility, I would probably be able to handle it just fine, but instead we seem to have walked into a shit storm of problems. Over the weekend, my best friend J's mother had a stroke. She is like my other mother and it's really hard to see her so out of control too. The doctors originally said she'd be back to normal within a day or so, but now it looks like she will need a little more time to recover. A stroke, even a small one, is a big deal and should serve as a big warning to her that it might be time to slow down and take some time for herself.

Then, to add to the general stress, this morning I woke up with ringworm. That's right, I said RINGWORM. Weeks ago I brought Button to the vet because she wasn't feeling well. They ran some blood work and had to shave her chin to get access to a vein. A weekish later she had some fur loss and dry flaky skin on the back of her neck and chin so I called and asked if it could be something like ringworm. Our vet reassured us that it was just stress, which was easy to believe because she stressed herself out so much that she gave herself a fever, and directed me to put some neosporin on it. As it turns out, the clippers they used to shave her chin weren't completely sterile and she brought home ringworm along with a prescription for a new diet. Joy.

I for sure have ringworm where Button lays in my lap, and I may have some on my thigh as well. It's making me feel really gross and I was freaking out about the doctor tomorrow thinking I'm diseased until I realized that I could just put a band aid on it. I think it might be time for me to slow down and take a breath too -_-

That B*tch AF and Planning for Maybe Someday

AF arrived with a vengeance today that viciously stamped out any hope that we might still conceive on our own.   Even though I know, logically, that E's swimmers can't swim, everything about this month pointed to possible success. I was taking Metformin, FertilAid and FertilCm, we used Preseed, our timing was literally perfect.  I thought that maybe, just maybe, one really determined guy might have made it through. Plus, we just ordered a whole bunch of vitamins for E to improve his count and motility, and the laws of the universe clearly dictate that we should get pregnant right before we get a chance to use all those expensive goodies we already paid for. Apparently, E's swimmers didn't get the memo.

So after feeling miserable and sorry for myself most of the day, with the added PMS hormones making me feel like my chest was/is being crushed under the weight of my grief and yearning, I decided to distract myself with some photoshop decorating. I wanted to work on picking out a new aquarium to replace my current set up that is getting a bit old, but my mind was too stuck on babies.  I will blame the hormones again, but the truth is that it's difficult to think of much else these days, hormones or no.

I've mentioned before that I'm a bit of a planner. I like shopping in advance, prepping early, spreadsheets with color coded lists and goals and budgets. With this one track mind, I already have a vast amount of baby stuff stored that I've been buying over the past twoish years. I won't confirm its existence, but there might even be a list of every item organized by size and type so as to keep me from over buying in any one category.  First it was just a really adorable onesie or toy that was too cute to pass up and easy to put away for the future. Then several stores had unbelievable sales, there were some great craigslist finds, a fantastic thrift store and before I knew it I had amassed enough designer baby clothing to open a small boutique.

I have a very strong preference for gender neutral items and for the most part, didn't purchase anything that you couldn't put on a boy or a girl. There are a couple girly outfits, maybe 4? that I figured I could sell or gift if we don't have a little girl, but everything else is pretty neutral.  We could probably have twins tomorrow and have enough clothing to dress them until they're 2, with occasional gaps where one size category is a bit light. We also have my favorite LifeFactory bottles, some organic baby products, a couple blankets, some towels, some toys, even two terry cloth crib mattress covers. I freely admit that baby shopping was a form of birth control "we are waiting to have a child now, but I can buy this and know we'll be able to use it in the future!" and it has definitely helped me feel prepared and like we're making some sort of forward progression in the face of our complete lack of success.

Among my shopping goodies is the crib set and some nursery decor that I can't wait to use when we're finally successful. I fell in love with it the moment I saw it and haven't wavered in my desire to use it since. Using it as a starting point, E and I have already designed the nursery we'd like our future baby to have. Of course this was based around the idea that we'd have a singleton baby, but I'd feel perfectly comfortable adapting it to twins if we end up that lucky with IVF. Again, it's very gender neutral and it gives me hope that one day we'll have a baby to go with it.

I fully realize that it's kind of pathetic to be planning a nursery for a baby that doesn't and might never exist, but I have to hope that we will be successful eventually, even if we have to do multiple rounds of IVF. E and I want to be parents too badly to give up, however we have to build our family, and photoshopping our favorite items together made the weight crushing my chest feel a little lighter this evening. I think I might be a bit of an oddball here too, from my limited experience with the infertility world, it seems that most women find it too painful to see and interact with babies and the things that go along with them. I feel completely the opposite, spending time with my wonderful friends and their equally amazing kids makes me feel even more hopeful for the future instead of depressed about the present.

There's no denying that our fertility present sucks really, really hard right now, but someday in the not so distant future, I will be putting together this nursery for a little one of our own.

Two wrongs can't make it right: The 30%

I know I said we'd be getting results back by the end of the week, but it ended up taking forever to get our hands on the test results. My cortisol results came back negative for Cushings, which we weren't at all surprised about, but I suppose that is good news. Unfortunately, we did not get so lucky with E's Semen Analysis.

E's results came in last Monday and due to some fax mishaps, we weren't able to get our hands on them last Thursday. Once we did get them, I kind of wished they hadn't come in. It turns out that we are dealing with rather severe male factor infertility - low sperm count, less than 1 million, and 0 motility. It actually says 0, not low, or hey just a few are determined enough to swim, actually 0. What lazy little fuckers. E and I keep picturing them playing on a PS3 like nah, I could move but I'm much too busy.

This news puts us into the worst 30% - 30% of couples have female factor infertility, 30% have male factor infertility and 30%, including us, are unfortunate enough to have both. Basically, we have 0% of conceiving on our own. Kind of like 0% motility.

Today we had a phone consultation with a doctor at one of the local fertility clinics. I don't know the first thing about selecting a fertility clinic, but this one offered a free phone consultation so I figured it was a good first step. E and I spoke with him for a few minutes on the phone and once he heard my lab results he pretty much said, aw crap, you should have started fertility treatment yesterday, you have diminished ovarian reserve/premature ovarian failure/old and moldy eggs.  He was less worried about E's abysmal SA results since all he needs is one spermie to create an embryo, even if it's poor quality and even if he has to go in to E's testicles to get it.

He immediately booked us for the first available appointment after this cycle ends so he can ultrasound my ovaries and see if there are any follicles. There should be some, since I definitely ovulate every month, but I don't know about their quality. And of course, since we have no infertility coverage, this is all going to be out of pocket. After we hung up with him I had to call back and speak to their financial department to find out a little bit more about cost. It seems that the appointment will run us $200 and the ultrasound either $275 or $700 depending on whether it's a regular ultrasound or a fluid ultrasound. This is where I'm officially starting the tab for our infertility treatment (Plus E's SA!), if there's a higher power out there, please have mercy on my uterus and our checkbooks.

(Source)

It seems crazy to be running out of eggs at only 26 but I guess this is our new reality. Even though the doctor didn't tell us anything we weren't already expecting to hear, it still hurt like hell to hear it confirmed. I felt like crying all over again and I think it's really starting to sink in for E. I really hope this fertility clinic is a good place, because I feel a bit too fragile right now to start calling places and asking for references. I'm sure I'll pull myself together tomorrow or the next day, but for now it just hurts.

My positive spin for the day is that if E's swimmers could swim, we would already be pregnant or have a baby right now but have NO idea that I'm rapidly running out of eggs. We would have tried to have a second child in a couple years only to find that I am completely out of eggs and have no chance of having another. Because his sperm can't swim, we have the opportunity to address these problems now, while I still have eggs, hopefully enabling us to bank some embryos and have more than one child in the future.

Two to Tango

Even though we know there's something definitely going on with me,  it takes two to tango and my doctor instructed us to set up a Semen Analysis for E. There is a male factor to infertility in 30% of cases, and another 30% where there is both a male and female factor. Our present insurance doesn't cover any aspect of infertility, so we had to go outside the system and visit a fertility clinic.

Find More Comics Here

While the staff at the clinic were very nice, I think it was definitely an unpleasant experience for both of us. Poor E had to become better acquainted with a cup than I'm sure he ever wanted to be, and I got to discuss out of pocket price scales for infertility treatment. I keep saying the word "Infertility" and expecting to become desensitized to the sting, but it still doesn't seem like I'm referring to myself. My family doesn't deal with "infertility", my mother had my sister and I at 34 and 38 without blinking, so what business do I have having problems at 26?

As it turns out, the clinic we chose for it's receptionist's kind phone voice, it's close location and low SA cost - only $125 instead of $225 like the bigger clinics, is not in our future insurance network. After a little prodding, they don't like giving out prices unless you're sitting in a closed appointment room, they told me that their IVF cycles are about $16,000 a pop with medication, while an IUI will only set you back about $1200. At this stage, they still don't know what's wrong with me or if E has something going on too, but my doctor seems to be hinting that we need to plan for trouble.

After a few minutes in the tidy but infertility filled waiting room, I also noticed that I felt a little bit out of place there.  All the other patients seemed to be business professionals with about 10-20 years on me and it really hit home again that most people don't have these issues at my age. E and I are still hoping to be younger parents, although that window is closing quickly, and I can't decide if it's a good thing that we're getting a jump on this problem early, or a bad thing that we're already here when we're both supposedly so young.

Our next step is basically to wait. Wait for the endocrinologist to get back to my Ob/Gyn about my screwed up hormones, wait for orders for more tests to be sent in, wait for the SA results to come in for E, and wait to find out why we can't seem to get pregnant.

A Fruitless Effort

Over the past year, there have been many things going on behind the scenes that I haven't been able to post about. Chief among those is E and I's unsuccessful attempt to start our family. E and I have kept things quiet mostly to preserve our privacy, but I think I'm ready to share a bit anonymously here to help process everything going through my mind. We have chosen to keep these issues private from our family in particular, since we want to surround ourselves with entirely supportive people now that we know we are going to be facing issues.

(source)

E and I have been trying to have a baby for a little over a year now. Remember this post so long ago? Yeah, apparently it's coming true Naively, we thought it would be pretty easy. We have heard all our lives how we were each "first attempt" babies, so we had better be absolutely 100% sure we were ready before trying since it would happen immediately. We tried casually in the beginning, since after all, this baby making stuff is supposed to be fun! We relaxed, went on vacation and didn't think about it too hard. When that didn't seem to work, we progressed to taking things a bit more seriously. I started charting my BBT, we tried to plan better, and I thought for sure this would do the trick. Six months came and went, the national average time it takes most people to conceive, so we stepped things up again and I joined the gym and began taking fertility supplements to try and get healthier. Nine months passed, I added more supplements for both E and myself, and I confess I thought for sure we'd at least be preggo by now if we didn't already have a baby.

(Source)

Finally, we hit twelve months and it was time to make an appointment with my Ob/Gyn. I added OPKs (ovulation predictor kits - there's a lot of peeing on sticks in this TTC business) to my routine so I could bring her the most information possible and I went in for my first round of CD3 labs. Surprisingly, or not surprisingly, those labs came back with pretty discouraging results. It looked like there might be something wrong, but really, at only 26 years old, it had to be a fluke. My Ob/Gyn put me on Metformin, a diabetes drug that has the somewhat baffling side effect of improving your fertility, and assured me that I'd be knocked up in no time. Then she ordered another set of CD3 labs to contradict the flukey labs and, now in our 13th month, I went in again. Unfortunately, these results were even worse than the first set, and instead of calling to ease my mind, I got a call that my doctor is now officially "concerned".

I was hoping that all this testing would come back normal, and I'd get the usual "just relax" talks that everyone gives you when you reveal that you're having trouble getting pregnant. I really believed that if we could just de-stress, take a vacation and stop thinking about getting pregnant, that things would just "happen". Instead, my doctor is now throwing around phrases like Cortisol Disorder, Atypical Cushing's Disease and Premature Ovarian Failure.  They're really not sure what is going on with me, but it's officially not something that I can relax away :(

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween from Will, the cutest little dragon ever!

Baby Rabies

Lately E and I have been experiencing a serious case of baby rabies. I'm used to a low grade case of BR but it's definitely been working in overdrive these past couple weeks. It's probably due to our family planning discussions which are becoming more frequent, but I'm going to blame it on the insanely adorable baby clothes I've gotten my hands on and nursery planning even though we don't have a nursery.

As I mentioned previously, I found my old baby clothes and my mom's collection of awesome vintage wall letters. The baby clothes were cute but my inner mama bear wanted to dissect and sterilize everything before even considering using them for my kid. Plus a lot of the elastic was worn out and just yuck, apparently I stained everything I touched.

The real treasure for me is the vintage letter collection because I've been seriously loving on alphabet nursery walls and bam, there's one in my garage. A bunch of the letters are missing but I plan on having fun replacing them. My mom, although she runs hot and cold on the baby front, has also offered to find replacements which would be sweet as well since they were originally hers. They're actually cool enough that I'd hang them in the living room instead if they didn't fit into my hypothetical imaginary nursery.

Please excuse the backwards J. And missing dot i. And are Z and N switched?

On the shopping front, I have a serious weakness for organic cotton and bright, preferably gender neutral prints. One of my favorite discount stores has recently had a bunch of Eleanor Organic, Trumpette and Zutano baby clothes.  I pretty much adore those brands, and at super low prices I couldn't let them get away. We're not expecting and won't be for a little while yet, but I don't mind storing a few boxes pieces if they're good quality and mostly gender neutral.

Can you see how hard it would be to resist the cuteness? They are definitely my dirty little secret, who buys baby clothes before there's a baby? They practically make my ovaries hurt just looking at them, and I got them for a fabulous price. They make great additions to the shower baskets I love to make for friends babies so I don't feel so bad about buying them. Plus, they're so fun and colorful that they make an excellent decoration above my new red storage shelf.

Idiling Or Inching Forward?

Somehow it's already the middle of June, which means I've had no job for the last two and a half months. Unemployment is a colossal pain in the butt, but I'm glad it's there since E's work can be really slow and it has definitely helped carry us. To certify, I apply to at least three jobs a week, although really I'm applying for everything I can get my hands on.  No offers yet, but I'm well qualified for everything I apply to so I'm hoping something comes through soon.

In the meantime, I'm looking at some online MPH programs and and E and I are discussing expanding our family in the future. While we would never have a child without the ability to support it, we've been thinking I might have more time to parent a baby if I'm going to school online full time vs working full time. E's schedule is fairly weird and flexible, with a lot of nights and weekends, so he'd probably get to be present great deal as well. There's a lot to consider, mostly financially, since we would otherwise love to be parents, but we're starting to work it out more seriously.

Wouldn't I look even cuter with a sibling?

To possibly prepare for having kids in the next few years, E and I are attempting to get healthier (again). This means losing the copious amount of weight I we have gained since the wedding and exercising like I we used to before I was working full time. We've been hitting up the treadmill and cutting out white stuff like bread, pasta, and sugar, although I'm not going as hard core as I did before the wedding. If I cut them out completely, the weight practically falls off, but comes right back as soon as I smell a piece of bread. I'm hoping for something a little more sustainable this time and while I haven't gone anywhere near a scale yet, I'm pretty sure it's working.

On the same topic, we bought a bottle of prenatals and I've been trying to take them to increase my vitamin levels. The first week was just fine, but during the second week I found them really disagreeing with my stomach. I'm not sure if I didn't eat enough food with them, or if they just have an ingredient that makes me want to hurl, but it's a really good thing I didn't take them while actually pregnant because oh boy would that have been bad. I've been trying the Nature Made brand with DHA ala Costco, but I might be in the market for a new one, maybe from Whole Foods or Trader Joes. I have plenty of time to pick a good one before I really need to take it, but I'd like to make it part of my daily routine sooner rather than later. Any suggestions for a good brand?

Welcome Baby Will!

Big congratulations to my friend E and her husband K on the birth of their beautiful boy, William Blake! He's insanely adorable with long fingers and toes and I think he looks exactly like E.

 

Welcome to the world Will. You have a great mommy and daddy and everyone is so happy you're here!

My Dirty Little Secret

My dirty little secret (that is no longer a secret now that I'm putting it out here in the blogosphere) that was agonizing and surprisingly difficult to admit to myself, is that I reallyreallyreally wish I was one of those reproducing people mentioned in one of the previous posts. Although I was the ultimate tomboy who only played with boys and kept strict company with Ninja Turtles and Batman and girl stuff ewwwwww, baby dolls were my one weakness. Snuggled into a carrier on my chest or in my super cool blue double stroller, my life size now eerily creepy always male baby dolls were my children. At 3, I proclaimed that I too was going to give birth to my little sister, and once she was born she was clearly MY baby. In addition to wrestling matches on my friends trampoline, collecting pokemon cards and playing ninja turtle pirates, I have always had a deep seeded biologically ingrained need to be a mom. It's hardwired into my DNA.

Given my long history of wanna be mamaing, I shouldn't be surprised that I want a child this badly now. But, but, for my family, my life, my existence, now is not the time. Despite the baby wanting, I'd successfully stayed determinedly focused and single minded about my future career. As bad as I wanted to be a mom, I wanted to be a doctor more. It's the only career I've ever been able to visualize myself in, and it's the one goal I've been working towards since I first started school. Having a grandpa with MS, a mother with breast cancer, a grandma with kidney cancer, a boyfriend who died from Epilepsy, and refractive amblyopia will do that to you. And in my family, this is the only acceptable course of action.

Up until now, I have agreed. I went to a college prep high school, volunteered in hospitals, worked in research labs and graduated from a college with a 100% acceptance rate into medical school. I was readying myself for the ultimate, the only goal, doctorhood. But then something happened. The class before mine didn't get into medical school, and private college was expensive, so I graduated early. Then my graduating class barely had any acceptances, so I took a year off to take more classes, complete medical school pre-requirements and try to become a better candidate. And then it started to happen. The older I got, the more the wanting of motherhood began to compete with the doctorhood. Although I had always wanted to be a surgeon, spending so much time away from my future family now seemed like an awful plan. My hormones were kicking in with the vengeance of a lifetime of baby wanting, and dear god are those fuckers strong.

Now, I graduated in December 2008, it's July 2010, and I am still not in medical school. I'm studying with tutors to take my MCAT, trying to motivate myself, but in the wake of the health care crisis with doctors being paid less and less and malpractice insurance sky rocketing, the catastrophic effect medical school loans would have on my fiance and myself, and the prospect of all the missed moments with my family, I'm finding it really really hard to remind myself why I want to do this. My mother harasses me on a daily basis, she's wrapped her identity so tightly around my dreams that the only hope of fulfillment in her life is me reaching my/her/our goal. She tells me not to get pregnant, what a failure I'd be, how fat I am, how I'm not studying enough, everyone else's child works harder and look who just got into school. I think that 8 years without a single "unexpected" mistake is a pretty good track record, graduating college in 3.5 years is pretty good, limited student loans aren't bad, but I don't tell her that. Failure is unacceptable. No career, successful or otherwise, will ever be enough if I'm not a doctor.

I know it's pointless to worry about children who don't even exist. I don't have any and I won't for awhile.

I really want to be a doctor. I want to help sick children. I want to support my family. I can do this.

But man, I really really want to be a good mom.

The Season of Bells, Diapers, Rings and Toes, Rings and Toes

February-July is the season for weddings and new babies. You may have already known this as it seems to be the norm in most cultures but I am only just finding this out as I reach that undefined age at which your friends suddenly begin marrying and reproducing (in no particular order). This age may for some people may be the "Age of Maturity", which was recently defined for me by a friend as "The age when you get practical stuff as presents and instead of being bummed say cool I actually needed that". Now this definition never accurately summed up this age for me, for whom practical presents were the norm. For me, the age of maturity has always been when you can successfully and repeatedly put others needs before your own and make well thought out logical decisions that lead to a successful life. Phrased like that, this may be a pipe dream to some, or even motherhood to others.

Regardless, this time of marriages and babies may be achieved long after you reach the age of maturity, when you are financially stable and successful, are ready to cohabitate and have the required half a million dollars required to correctly raise a child in Los Angeles, CA. Since for normal people this is also a pipe dream (HA!), I am personally redefining this time as my post college years, or in general, the early to mid twenties. This makes a lot of sense, people have dated, maybe lived together, and everyone is getting that gentle nudge from mother nature in the form of natural hormones that say AH-GET-PREGNANT-NOW-REPRODUCE-THIS-INSTANT-AHHH. People may also get this nudge from parents, in the form of gentle reminders that they're not getting any younger, and grandchildren might be nice, unless you live in my family where reproduction before a successful career (read doctor or lawyer, 30-40 years old) is tantamount to grand larceny.

In the past year, a ridiculous amount of my friends have gotten married. I've actually lost count, where previously the only wedding I knew of was my much older brother's. Only three friends have reproduced, though neither bothered with getting married yet because they are modern and cool like that, yo. No conforming to the man here! And yet, when I step back and look at this, it all seems a little fast to me. Hypocritically I myself am getting married next March. I tell myself this is okay because we've been dating for 8 years and are practically married already. But really, 24 still seems a bit young for the average marriage or baby for less cool people says the self proclaimed dork/nerd. Still, a little more stability would be nice.

Either way, it's wedding season and I'm about to add my name to the list of people who have taken the plunge. I have only 8 months to go till the big day, have to take my medical school entrance exams this September, fill out my applications for October and get my shit together so I can join the ranks of the white coats and the married. All while telling nature exactly where she can shove her reproductive, mature people hormones.

Is anyone else finding this as difficult as I am?