That B*tch AF and Planning for Maybe Someday

AF arrived with a vengeance today that viciously stamped out any hope that we might still conceive on our own.   Even though I know, logically, that E's swimmers can't swim, everything about this month pointed to possible success. I was taking Metformin, FertilAid and FertilCm, we used Preseed, our timing was literally perfect.  I thought that maybe, just maybe, one really determined guy might have made it through. Plus, we just ordered a whole bunch of vitamins for E to improve his count and motility, and the laws of the universe clearly dictate that we should get pregnant right before we get a chance to use all those expensive goodies we already paid for. Apparently, E's swimmers didn't get the memo.

So after feeling miserable and sorry for myself most of the day, with the added PMS hormones making me feel like my chest was/is being crushed under the weight of my grief and yearning, I decided to distract myself with some photoshop decorating. I wanted to work on picking out a new aquarium to replace my current set up that is getting a bit old, but my mind was too stuck on babies.  I will blame the hormones again, but the truth is that it's difficult to think of much else these days, hormones or no.

I've mentioned before that I'm a bit of a planner. I like shopping in advance, prepping early, spreadsheets with color coded lists and goals and budgets. With this one track mind, I already have a vast amount of baby stuff stored that I've been buying over the past twoish years. I won't confirm its existence, but there might even be a list of every item organized by size and type so as to keep me from over buying in any one category.  First it was just a really adorable onesie or toy that was too cute to pass up and easy to put away for the future. Then several stores had unbelievable sales, there were some great craigslist finds, a fantastic thrift store and before I knew it I had amassed enough designer baby clothing to open a small boutique.

I have a very strong preference for gender neutral items and for the most part, didn't purchase anything that you couldn't put on a boy or a girl. There are a couple girly outfits, maybe 4? that I figured I could sell or gift if we don't have a little girl, but everything else is pretty neutral.  We could probably have twins tomorrow and have enough clothing to dress them until they're 2, with occasional gaps where one size category is a bit light. We also have my favorite LifeFactory bottles, some organic baby products, a couple blankets, some towels, some toys, even two terry cloth crib mattress covers. I freely admit that baby shopping was a form of birth control "we are waiting to have a child now, but I can buy this and know we'll be able to use it in the future!" and it has definitely helped me feel prepared and like we're making some sort of forward progression in the face of our complete lack of success.

Among my shopping goodies is the crib set and some nursery decor that I can't wait to use when we're finally successful. I fell in love with it the moment I saw it and haven't wavered in my desire to use it since. Using it as a starting point, E and I have already designed the nursery we'd like our future baby to have. Of course this was based around the idea that we'd have a singleton baby, but I'd feel perfectly comfortable adapting it to twins if we end up that lucky with IVF. Again, it's very gender neutral and it gives me hope that one day we'll have a baby to go with it.

I fully realize that it's kind of pathetic to be planning a nursery for a baby that doesn't and might never exist, but I have to hope that we will be successful eventually, even if we have to do multiple rounds of IVF. E and I want to be parents too badly to give up, however we have to build our family, and photoshopping our favorite items together made the weight crushing my chest feel a little lighter this evening. I think I might be a bit of an oddball here too, from my limited experience with the infertility world, it seems that most women find it too painful to see and interact with babies and the things that go along with them. I feel completely the opposite, spending time with my wonderful friends and their equally amazing kids makes me feel even more hopeful for the future instead of depressed about the present.

There's no denying that our fertility present sucks really, really hard right now, but someday in the not so distant future, I will be putting together this nursery for a little one of our own.

Baby Rabies

Lately E and I have been experiencing a serious case of baby rabies. I'm used to a low grade case of BR but it's definitely been working in overdrive these past couple weeks. It's probably due to our family planning discussions which are becoming more frequent, but I'm going to blame it on the insanely adorable baby clothes I've gotten my hands on and nursery planning even though we don't have a nursery.

As I mentioned previously, I found my old baby clothes and my mom's collection of awesome vintage wall letters. The baby clothes were cute but my inner mama bear wanted to dissect and sterilize everything before even considering using them for my kid. Plus a lot of the elastic was worn out and just yuck, apparently I stained everything I touched.

The real treasure for me is the vintage letter collection because I've been seriously loving on alphabet nursery walls and bam, there's one in my garage. A bunch of the letters are missing but I plan on having fun replacing them. My mom, although she runs hot and cold on the baby front, has also offered to find replacements which would be sweet as well since they were originally hers. They're actually cool enough that I'd hang them in the living room instead if they didn't fit into my hypothetical imaginary nursery.

Please excuse the backwards J. And missing dot i. And are Z and N switched?

On the shopping front, I have a serious weakness for organic cotton and bright, preferably gender neutral prints. One of my favorite discount stores has recently had a bunch of Eleanor Organic, Trumpette and Zutano baby clothes.  I pretty much adore those brands, and at super low prices I couldn't let them get away. We're not expecting and won't be for a little while yet, but I don't mind storing a few boxes pieces if they're good quality and mostly gender neutral.

Can you see how hard it would be to resist the cuteness? They are definitely my dirty little secret, who buys baby clothes before there's a baby? They practically make my ovaries hurt just looking at them, and I got them for a fabulous price. They make great additions to the shower baskets I love to make for friends babies so I don't feel so bad about buying them. Plus, they're so fun and colorful that they make an excellent decoration above my new red storage shelf.