Stuffy, Runny, Sneezy

At the beginning of Thanksgiving week, E caught a cold. I'm pretty sure he picked it up in Las Vegas, where he went with one of his besties to see KISS in concert at the Hard Rock. He and his bestie C were there for maybe 36 hours, just long enough to squeeze in some good food, a couple sports bets, the concert, and apparently some icky germs.

E was really sick for maybe one day, took some meds and then almost immediately started getting better. Me on the other hand, with all the crap I've been putting my body through, have clearly committed to the long haul. I thought I was going to skip this round of illness but then E accidentally used my electric tooth brush head instead of his own and I was doomed.

This nasty beast came on fast, I felt normal, successfully cooked Thanksgiving dinner and then bam, I woke up sick the morning of Black Friday. Scratchy, sore throat, the nose that is both stuffy and runny at the same time, pressure in my head, the works.

Here is where I get stuck. Normally I'd start loading up on immune boosting supplements to kick my  system into overdrive and pummel this cold. However, our FET is only weeks away, where we'll be putting back an embryo with it's own DNA that is foreign to my body. The very last thing we want is my immune system awake and ramped up.

I've already stopped the acupuncture herbs because those will nourish whatever you're growing, even a cold virus, and it looks like I'm stuck with Dayquil in the meantime. Man I hope this cold passes quickly, I really need to be healthy for everything coming up!

TWO BABIES To Be Thankful For!

We got our results a day early! We have TWO HEALTHY EMBRYOS! TWO!

We followed statistics for my mutation transmission almost exactly. We had a 50/50 shot of the embryos being healthy and we sent in 6 embryos. 3 of the 6 tested were mutation free, but unfortunately one of those 3 had a tiny chromosomal deletion. I asked if there was any way this frostie might still be viable but Dr. D said that with deletions like this, there are usually other segments or things missing as well. This makes me so grateful we decided to add on the PGS, without it we wouldn't have found out that this frostie is sick and would have had a heartbreaking miscarriage or worse, might have had to terminate for defects incompatible with life.

I'm so relieved, I feel like I'm going to cry and possibly be sick at the same time. We still have a long way to go, these babies need to stick! but we're so much closer to actually holding a healthy baby. After seeing so many of these cycles yield nothing to transfer, I'm so, so happy we have healthy babies to transfer.

We are all made of stars

Dr. D needs to confirm it, but it looks like one embryo came from our first batch and one from the second. They're both hatching blasts and although Dr. D told us the genders, we've decided to keep it a surprise. We'd really like at least one thing to be normal about our pregnancy process and since nothing else has been, this is going to be it.

After getting the good news, I asked Dr. D whether he thought we should proceed with our frozen transfer or whether he thought we needed to cycle again and try to get more embryos. They usually say (without PGS) that you need 2-3 embryos per child you'd like to have, and since E and I would love 2-3, but would be happy with any at this point, I knew with only 2/6 that we might need to cycle again. As I've said before, we don't know how quickly my fertility is going downhill but we definitely know it is going. I was ready to hear that we'd need to do this whole process again but Dr. D feels that with my age, if we need IVF again in the near future I should still be young enough to produce some good eggs. I'm not sure if I agree because FXPOI complicates things in ways not reflected by age but I'm going with it.

We have so much to be thankful for this year that I'm overwhelmed thinking about it all. I'm thankful for E and our friendship and marriage, going through this is incredibly difficult and I think it's amazing that we've been able to stay strong and united. I'm thankful for all our friends and family members, who have been incredibly supportive and have helped us stay sane thus far, especially through all the mind numbing waiting. I'm thankful for Dr. D and SCRC for helping us get these two embryos, who with any luck will both be coming home with us as two healthy babies. I'm thankful for IVF and especially for PGD, I'm so grateful that we live in a time where we have the tools and technology to create and screen embryos for so many horrible diseases. And I'm so, so thankful for the two healthy embryos, our two little fighters, who for the first time have given us a real shot at a healthy family.

With a whole lot of hope, wishing, crossed fingers, science and love, we will have a healthy baby in our arms this time next year.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope you have a wonderful holiday with all of your loved ones.

Waiting, Wondering, Worrying

Well here we are, the day before Thanksgiving, the day before we're supposed to get our results. I thought I'd been dealing with the waiting and what ifs pretty well, I've been staying super busy and for the most part haven't allowed myself to think or dwell on it. I've been intently picking out super cute leggings from various Aussie websites (It's turning into an addiction and I don't even have my first pair yet), hunting for boots to go with said leggings, working on my aquarium which is always soothing and getting everything ready for Thanksgiving. I haven't been counting the hours but it would pop into my head every few days that we were that much closer to results. Somehow they always seemed far off, something that would be happening in the future.

Now, it's the night before and I'm thinking I'm not so okay. After a conversation about socializing with friends turned into a conversation about parents and babies, I suddenly felt quite irrationally emotional, like a cup in the process of overflowing. It's clear that even though I haven't been consciously dwelling on it, my subconscious has been drowning. I tend to internalize things so I can carry on calmly and I now feel like an idiot for genuinely not knowing why my hair seemed to be falling out the other day. It's one of the telltale giveaways that I'm under stress but at the time I couldn't think what it could be. Way to block out the big stuff brain, I'm sure that's super healthy.

On what will likely be the eve of our PGD results reveal unless the clinic closes for Thanksgiving, which is still a possibility, it appears my brain has run out of distractions. It's hit me like a freight train that this is it and I don't know what to do.  I can't stop going over horrible things even though I'm trying to put only positive energy and thoughts out there.

We still haven't paid for our PGS. H never called me back to get our credit card. Does this mean all our embryos were effected so they never did the PGS screening?

What if all our embryos are sick? What if we went through this for nothing?

What if they don't call with our results? How will I get through Thanksgiving with all those people? How will I get through it anyway if it's bad news?

E just got sick and has probably now exposed me. Will that effect our FET if when we get there?

I'm so, so scared our results won't be good. We've been through so much, I've been through so much I need these frozen babies to be healthy.  Now all I can think about is the worst case scenario and I feel like I'm going to choke on the lump it brings to my throat. Please be healthy embryos. Please be healthy.

Christmas Delays?!?!

Originally, I was planning on putting an embryo back straight away after this IVF cycle. I psyched myself all up for a November transfer and told myself I'd have good news for the holidays. I was ready to go, let's get this embryo toasty warm in my uterus!

Then, Dr. D put the kibosh on that. He said I've been injecting waaay too much medication into my body, two months in a row, and that wouldn't make for the most ideal environment for our embryo. Damn. He suggested that we take a wash cycle, wait for the drugs to really leave my system and start fresh with a nice, fresh cycle. Okay, I don't love the idea of waiting yet another month, but I would never do anything to jeopardize the success of my frosties so I got on board. One wash cycle to get everything out and THEN we'd thaw out a frostie and put it back.

With a regular cycle, it's pretty easy to plan when things should be happening. With this period showing up right on time I was pretty much positive that we'd be doing our transfer shortly after Christmas, probably sometime around the 28th if Dr. D really planned on transferring on CD 17. I've heard some people transfer later, closer to CD 20 or 22 but Dr. D said CD 17 so that's what I went with. I psyched myself up again for a Christmas transfer told myself I'd have wonderful news around January 9th. A September baby would be wonderful, right before the holidays really started to pick up.

I was reading through my IVF support group, reminding myself to practice patience when I read about some clinics closing for the holidays and delaying treatments. This should have been obvious, of course they'd want to go on holiday, but my clinic couldn't be closing because I'm transferring right after Christmas, right?  Right??

Nooooooo!!!

I got on the phone to Dr. D's nurse and asked them about their Christmas schedule. Bam, my worst fears were confirmed. They usually close for two weeks spanning the end of December to the beginning of January. Fuck. Right over when I was supposed to be doing my transfer. Double Fuck.

I explained to the nurse that I was supposed to be transferring over that time period and wasn't expecting my period to start until December 12th. She elaborated that the ART center closes completely for those two weeks but there's still a crew on the clinic side. The last day for most things is December 18th and there are only certain days after that where they can perform specific procedures. This is probably for those people who need to stim longer than expected and need their retrieval done over those two weeks, not for people who are looking to transfer a frozen embryo that's perfectly happy waiting on ice.

She told me to call with the first day of my period and we would see how things look then but it looks like we'll be delayed yet another month. I was just getting used to the idea of taking one month off and now we have to take two. I told my acupuncturist S how disappointed I was and she said that success rates are lower around Christmas because people are stressed out so I wouldn't want to transfer then anyway, but I'm pretty sure she was just trying to make me feel better. I don't see out of town family members or deal with a lot of family drama over Christmas so I'm fairly certain that my chances wouldn't be any lower just because it's the holidays.  My frostie certainly doesn't know it's Christmas.

All I want for Christmas is a batch of healthy embryos! One in my belly and the rest on ice.

If we have to wait two months, we won't get to transfer until the end of January, probably around the 25th. This means that I would potentially be getting good (because I refuse to believe otherwise) news on my birthday. It would be a wonderful birthday gift but I'm so anxious to get an embryo back where it belongs. This process takes so long and every month more feels like forever.

News To Be Thankful For?

I still haven't heard back from H, the financial person at Reprogenetics, so I shot an email off to my Reprogenetics genetic counselor D to see if she could give me an update. H is usually really good about getting back to me, she must be on vacation or out of the office because she's never had me wait more than a couple days. I know they won't release my results until they're paid so she's going to have to get back to me eventually to get my credit card.

Lucky for me, D is in the office and she got back to me pretty much right away. I asked her to confirm that she'd received the samples since I had only heard from Dr. D about that, and asking whether testing had begun because we can't wait for some good news.

The message I got back basically said:

I know the waiting is hard. We've started testing,  it will take the full 15 days. You'll know on 11/27.

I know Garfield. I know.

For those who didn't catch that bit at the end, 11/27 is Thanksgiving. When we will have all sorts of people in the house. We will be getting either really good news or really bad news with a house full of people. The waiting is so tough,  I can't wait to find out, but this is not how I wanted to do it.

Plus, I'm sure Dr. D won't be working on Thanksgiving. If he's not in the office, we don't get our results. Reprogenetics is sending them directly to Dr. D not to us, since the sensitive information should be explained by a doctor yadda yadda. I'd honestly rather they just email them so I don't have to talk to anyone if the results are bad but that isn't an option.

E and I wanted time to ourselves to process and deal with the results. We didn't want to share them with the few family members who know, especially if they're not good, until we'd digested them and figured out our next move. Honestly we really wish they didn't know the testing was going on since their questions/expectations/hopes/certainty really make us feel worse and not better. I don't think they realize how difficult the process is, how often people end up with no healthy embryos to transfer. Even with 6 to test, we could very easily have no healthies and their certainty that all our embryos will be healthy and everything will be roses and sunshine feels shallow.

Maybe we'll get lucky and we'll get wonderful news early. I'm still hopeful that our embryos will be healthy, that we'll have 6 frosty babies to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. But it would be really nice if we could get our results without an audience.

AF With A Vengeance

Unsurprisingly, my period showed up exactly on time, 11 days after my trigger. There has to be something said for predictability, at least I know when the witch should be rearing her ugly head. The first couple days I had to top up my Advil every 4 hours instead of every 8+ like I usually would, those cramps break through surprisingly quickly. A couple days in they're not awful, uncomfortable yes, but I'm good with just a couple Advil each day.

I think the toughest part has been waiting with nothing to do. I've taken the supplements, done the injections, done the retrievals, and now all I can do is wait and wait for my test results to come back. There's absolutely nothing I can do to help or speed up the process which is a very unusual position for me to find myself in. I'm not even sure if they've started the testing yet since I haven't heard back from the financial person yet, I'll probably give both her and the lab a call tomorrow to ask for an update.

(And wait....and wait...and wait...)

Once I stop bleeding like a dying person and feel halfway normal again, my plan is to hit the gym hard and try to take off some of this IVF weight. I feel like I've been packing on inches by the handful and I'd really like to get some of it off before I get pregnant. I already know I won't be allowed to gain a ton of weight, not that I really expect to gain a ton anyway, but it would be nice to start at a more normal point for me instead of this far ahead. Of course, starting a diet/exercise plan right before Thanksgiving is probably not the smartest thing I've ever done, but I don't have a lot of time and I need to get rid of this IVF fluid belly so I have room for a baby in there!

Biopsy Samples Off!

This was supposed to post yesterday, I'm not sure why it didn't :/ Weird! 

I wasn't expecting a call this morning since our embryos have already been biopsied, vitrified and tucked safely away, so I was surprised and a little worried when I saw SCRC come up on my caller ID. It turns out Dr. D was just calling to give me an update and let me know that my biopsy samples had been shipped and should be arriving at Reprogenetics today! I wasn't expecting them to ship out so quickly, especially since today is a holiday, but we're officially ready to start testing.

Dr. D said he spoke with Reprogenetics today and they're going to run our tests consecutively - the PGD for Fragile X first, and then the aCGH PGS on any unaffected and premutation carriers. This means that only Fragile X negative embryos will be screened for chromosome issues, which makes sense. What I'd like to know, is if we pay for "up to" 8 embryos and only test 6, can we test 2 more in the future without additional charges? Probably not, but its definitely on my list of things to ask them since I've heard of other people doing this with their labs. I still need to give them my credit card information for the aCGH but I haven't been able to get in touch with their financial person H yet. I left a message with their messaging service on Monday so I'll probably call again tomorrow.

Cilly sneaks into the linen closet for a relaxing nap

Dr. D also hinted that he thought we might get our test results early. He said the 15 day estimate was quite conservative, if the lab was busy, etc. Once the PGD is complete, and this is the portion that takes a bit longer, the aCGH will be performed the next day and then we'll have our results. Everyone at the clinic has their fingers crossed for us and we're all thinking positive and willing these embryos to be healthy.

As for recovery, I'm still really bloated and starting to get occasional cramps in anticipation of my period which should be due at the end of the week. I can wear my regular jeans but the belly is definitely there and it's deflating unevenly. When I woke up this morning my belly button looked off center which is so weird, the right side seems to have gone down a bit faster than the left. I can't wait for my belly to be huge and lopsided because there's a tiny person in there, not just a ton of fluid.

Day 6: SIX EMBRYOS Going For Testing!

Both embryos made it! Holy shit! We now have two more hatching blasts to add to our batch, making 6! I can't believe it, after such a crappy cycle and only retrieving two eggs, I never would have dreamed they'd both be strong enough to make it. Taking them to day 6 was definitely the right decision, the embryologist says they look perfect.  We're going to send these 6 samples out for PGD/PGS and hope/pray/wish/cross everything that they're healthy!!

I was planning on putting one embryo right back once we get our results, an early December transfer, but the doctor says I should take a "wash" cycle. Not everyone needs to take a break but most people only take $1800-$4000 in meds for their cycles and do just one. I've been injecting $9200 in hormones two months in a row and he thinks I should have two periods to wash them all out. The first would be the upcoming one, due at the end of this week if I follow last cycle. Then I'd wait a month, have my next period and start the medication for transfer. He's right and it makes sense, I would never rush anything that could compromise an embie's successful implantation, but it's so hard to be patient!

Right now our biopsy samples are probably being packed in liquid nitrogen and readied for their journey to the east coast. I believe they'll be over nighted to Reprogenetics and then as long as all the samples are good, they'll begin testing. We decided to go ahead and add on the aCGH testing for $2250, it seems crazy to go through all this to test for Fragile X, a developmental disability, and then not check for Down Syndrome or other Trisomy problems. I need to confirm whether they run the tests concurrently or consecutively, hopefully we'll have all healthy embryos and it won't matter, but if somehow they're all affected with Fragile X, they should hold off on the aCGH testing. We won't need to go there though, our embryos are going to be strong and healthy and we'll have a healthy baby before we know it.

Day 5: Mature Morulas

We got a call this morning saying that our embryos were still plugging along, growing well, but weren't quite ready for biopsy. When the embryologist checked on them in the morning they were super mature morulas, right at the end of the morula stage and the beginning of the blastocyst stage.

Ideally, we want the embryos to be nice, expanded blastocysts before they're biopsied so you can get a really clear distinction between what will be baby and what will be placenta so Dr. D and the embryologist have opted to let them grow another day. It occurred to me after the phone call that we also did our retrieval a lot later this time, several hours later than our first one, so these embryos are actually a little younger on day 5. They might have been nice blasts if they were checked in the evening instead of the morning so I'm staying positive and not getting discouraged.

I'm also pretty sure that if they were going to arrest they would have done so already, but I'm not ready to celebrate just yet. They still need to clear this last hurdle though I'm really optimistic now that they can do it. Grow embies, grow!

Day 4: Wishing, Hoping, Itching

Today is day 4 of our embryo's growth and following the traditional protocol, we did not get an update. I'm choosing to take this as a good sign since I'm fairly sure they would have let us know if something happened to our embie babies today. One of the women in my online PGD support group also had two embryos growing at the same time as mine and she lost both of them on day 4. I'm so crushed for her and am now even more worried for our two, this is such a big jump for them to make.

I'm hoping that our next update will be tomorrow, but there's a chance we won't hear from Dr. D until Monday. Last cycle we had 2 embryos biopsied day 5 and 2 biopsied day 6 so these two could be ready on either day. My nerves seriously hope they're healthy and ready for biopsy/freeze tomorrow because I can't take much more of this waiting.

In other news, I haven't been reporting too much on recovery but I'm doing okay. I had so few eggs that I didn't get OHSS this time and only needed some Advil/Tylenol for the first couple days. I've taken an odd one here or there for a hormone headache and some muscle aches as everything returns to normal but overall it's been a pretty uneventful recovery. They didn't even need to give me Fentanyl after the retrieval, just two Tylenol and a hot blanket on my belly. Mostly I'm just exhausted, like can't keep myself awake tired, have to pee all the time and am still crazy bloated. I've been sustaining myself on a diet of Matzo Ball soup (thank you E for repeatedly playing delivery man) and Gatorade/Electrolyte water and feel like I have the flu.

Cillian takes advantage of my exhaustion and bloated pillow belly to get in a good nap

My most obnoxious complaint is probably the bruise on my hand from my IV. The nurse, who was quite experienced and really nice, had to try twice to get my IV in. She tried first on my right hand, which is usually my good one, numbed it up with lidocaine and popped in the IV needle. The needle went in correctly but she was right up against a valve so the catheter couldn't go into the vein. She tried to apply some gentle pressure to open it and then tried to float the catheter in but neither worked. She ended up taking it out and going for my left hand, where she repeated the process and the IV catheter went right in. That site doesn't hurt at all and didn't bruise but my right hand has this nasty, deep bruise that has been surprisingly painful. It was really bad the first day, definitely worse than my sore ovaries, and the bruise is still there and still tender today.

My other big complaint is that somehow, the hivey rash has returned to my stomach. This leads me to believe that I had two separate rashes last time - hives on my belly from the medication, and an allergic rash to E's shaving cream on my bikini line. They were there at the same time so I assumed they were connected but apparently not. The new rash is pretty close to where the old one was on my belly, a little lower, and has to be related to the hormone injections. Just like previous flare up, it itches like a bitch and I have to keep compressing Yin Care, slathering on Cortisone cream and pouring on Benadryl.  Maybe it's related to falling or rising hormone levels or a reaction to the HCG (please don't let this happen when I'm pregnant!) but whatever it is, I really wish it would take a hike.

The Rash Strikes Back!

Just one more day to get through. One more day and then we can move on to testing, find out that all our embryos are magically healthy and perfect and we can start putting them back where they belong. If we're able to do a successful FET in early December we could be bringing home one of these fighter embryos as a baby at the end of August. I hope, I hope, I hope, come on embryos, you can do it. 

Day 3: Quality Over Quantity

Every time I get the morning update I'm floored by how lucky we're getting with our two little embryos. Amazingly, here we are at day 3, and both little fighters look perfect. They are 8 cells each and according to the embryologist, are the highest quality possible. This means that their cells are even and regular, all the same size, and that they have no fragmentation. In short, they look like this:

High Quality Day 3 Embryo

I'm really starting to feel hopeful that these could be our babies. On day 3 last cycle we had 7 embryos - our 4 strong ones that became our frosties, 2 weaker ones that eventually didn't make it and one super slow grower that fizzled out. At this point, those two weaker ones and the tiny one lagging were already noticeably behind the main 4, not so behind as to count them out completely, but not looking fabulous. It gives me hope that our 4 that were growing well continued to grow well, we just need these two to follow suit.

Just twoish more days to go now. Days 4 and 5/6 are the hardest for the embryos, they need to make the big leap from simple cell division to compacting and differentiating. I know this has been a really disheartening and crummy cycle, but these little fighters are strong and I feel like they're going to make it. Come on babies, grow, grow, grow!

Day 2: Cautiously Hopeful

I've been having a really tough time staying positive and hopeful for our two little embies. So much is riding on these little guys making it that it's impossible for me to not be scared of a poor outcome.

Somehow, it appears that our embryos are taking a much more positive outlook on things. The embryologist was feeling quite sorry for us and all our empty follicles, so even though he doesn't usually do a day two check, he decided to look in and see how our embies are growing. The results were really encouraging, both embies appear to be high quality and they're growing strong and even. One was already 5 cells at day 2 and the other was just behind it with 4 cells. At this point last time we had some embryos that were only 2 cells so a 5 and a 4 are really wonderful.

I know I've mentioned before that E and I originally decided to just do two IVF cycles before turning to donor eggs. That plan was based largely on cost, each cycle is $20,000 and two is already an incredible amount of money. But then we had this cycle, and it was so far off that I think E is having to come around a little to the idea that we might need a third.

E has a hard time watching me go through these cycles, even though I think I do pretty darn well with fairly minimal side effects. Watching my stomach bloat up like a balloon and seeing it covered in bruises from all those tiny needles upsets him and he's been pretty set on just two cycles till now. After I woke up in recovery it took a little while for Dr. D to come out and give us our count. I know now it's because he was asking the embryologist to check and double check for more eggs but at the time we were expecting good news. It's hard to remember what happened once he told us we only got two eggs, the anesthesia makes you a bit foggy for a little while, but I know I cursed, turned to E and he told me not to worry, that nothing was off the table at this point and that we'd do whatever needed to be done.

Still, if we do need a third, I don't know where I'm going to find another $20,000.  Before all of this we were saving to buy our first house which is no easy feat in Los Angeles where a tiny two bedroom 900 square foot place runs 600k+. This is another one of those moments where I so, so wish that our insurance would cover IVF, I feel like there would be so much less pressure if we could just focus on the medicine instead of the price tag.

Day 1: Disappearing Eggs

We went into my retrieval yesterday expecting to get at least five mature eggs. Instead, we got two.

Two?

Two :(

Dr. D aspirated and flushed each follicle. They were all still puffy, filled with fluid and drained well. No signs that I could have ovulated early. A mature egg puts out at least 200 units of estrogen and my estrogen was over 1500, an excellent number for all those follicles. So where were they?

Dr. D was so surprised when the lab said two that he asked them to double check the tubes. There's no way I only had two, estrogen doesn't just come out of nowehere, the eggs had to be there. E and I are crushed :( 

I know there are no guarantees with IVF, every step of the process is an exercise in hope, patience and superstition and sometimes things just happen. But where did my eggs go? We know they were there, we have the estrogen has proof of their existence, but they just disappeared. It's like seeing the smoke but you can't find the fire. Dr. D says this happens in less than 1% of cases and he doesn't know what could have caused it. The eggs should have been there.

Our minimum number for proceeding with the PGD testing is six. We need six healthy blasts before it's worth using our PGD coverage and aCGH testing (~$10,000). We really wanted eight but figured just in case, six is still an okay number.

I paced around all morning feeling sick and holding the phone and finally got the call from Dr. D that both of our eggs fertilized. Thank goodness they still have a chance. If both of these little fighters make it, we can proceed with testing. If they don't we're going to need to do another IVF cycle but I have no idea how we're going to pull that off. 

Come on little embies, you can do it. The first step is done, now you just need to grow, grow, grow. 

Egg Retrieval Set

I spoke with Dr. D and as expected, we are a go for triggering tonight. I'll be doing my Novarel (HCG) trigger shot at 12:15am tonight/tomorrow morning and my retrieval will be Tuesday at 12:15pm.

Dr. D went over my follicles with me and made me feel a little better about the ones we've got. He feels that since we got 4 solid embryos from our 4 best follies last cycle that it's perfectly reasonable to believe that these top 4 follicles will have healthy mature eggs in them that could be our next 4 embryos. It's an optimistic viewpoint and I'm choosing to share it and believe that these are the ones.

The prime three are the 20, 22 and 22. The 26 might be a little overcooked but the 17 could catch up between the trigger and retrieval, it's very possible. I'd like to see it at least 18 or 19 on retrieval day but I don't think they bother with measuring, he'll just take everything he sees.

I've definitely got stuff going on in there too, I'm hungry, beyond exhausted, still have that friggin' pressure head ache and feel all sorts of twingey cramping around my uterus. My ovaries don't feel too uncomfortable, no huge grapefruit feeling, so I think the estrogen the follies are putting out is to blame for the random sharp twinges in my lower belly. And I still have to pee over and over.

Now I just need to stay awake for my trigger! I've got an alarm set just in case but I think I'll be okay. I've been trying to nap all day without success so I just keep yawning and dragging my feet. We're so close, we just need to make it through this retrieval, get some healthy test results, and have a successful FET.

Cycle 2 Trigger Time

I slept pretty poorly last night, which isn't a terrible surprise given my nerves, and didn't get to take full advantage of the time change and extra hour of sleep. I think I got up three times to pee (thanks hormones) and finally gave up on going back to bed around 7:30am. I had been worried about how I was going to take my morning meds since my appointment was at 8:45am, I usually start prepping my shot at 9 and inject around 9:25am, but I neglected to take into account the time change. With the extra hour, my shot clock was moved up to 8am and I was able to finish both injections before I had to leave.

My view from the ultrasound table

The clinic was pretty much empty with only a couple other people there for monitoring and I got in to do my blood in a flash. The lady tech was working today and she was able to get my arm vein in one go, giving my poor bruised hand a much needed break. She's gotten pretty darn good at finding that vein, I know certain techs have better luck with different patients, it's too bad she only works over the weekends.

After bloodwork it was on to the ultrasound, where I got to spend a few minutes waiting for the tech and admiring the fake sky ceiling tiles. When all these cycles are done and I'm good and pregnant,  I'd like to go back to Hawaii with E and enjoy some real tropical skies. I think we've definitely earned it and as long as it's safe to fly, I can't see any reason why a little bean couldn't bake just as well on the beach in Hanalei Bay as it can here at home.

The tech for this ultrasound was really thorough, I think she knew I was disappointed with the results we've been getting and she checked and double checked to make sure she wasn't leaving out any potential follicle that could be hiding. I'm still waiting to hear back from Dr. D with the results of my lab work, but from what the nurse said, it looks like we're going to be taking a stab at 4-5 follies - the 17, 20, 22, 22 and 26. Unfortunately the 26 is likely too mature to fertilize and the 17 is probably too immature but I'm not giving up on them just yet. We could still get 4 good eggs that turn into 4 good embryos to add to our batch.

12.6mm lining, nice and thick

My lining has also finally picked up which should be another sign that the follies are putting out a good amount of estrogen and it's time to trigger. I don't have the grapefruit sized ovaries feeling since I have so few follicles but I am still feeling bloated with the same weird temple pressure head ache I've had for a week. S says the pressure is dampness in my body so I'll probably ask her to put those needles in again when I go for my acupuncture appointment before retrieval.

Nervous

Oh man, I'm feeling so nervous about tomorrow. It doesn't do me any good to speculate on the next ultrasound but that logic hasn't stopped me from running through all the "what ifs...?" in my head.

• What if we have even less follicles than yesterday? 
• What if the follicles aren't growing?
• What if all the follicles arrested?
• What if Dr. D wants to cancel the cycle?
• And in that vein, if he does want to cancel, how much will we be out?

I tried to talk over the possibility of having to cancel with E, just as a "what if" since he won't be at the appointment with me tomorrow but he didn't take it well. I was trying to figure out the numbers in my head and led with a figure waaaay higher than the actual amount, making him panic and freak out. Not at all helpful and not at all my intention. Crap.

I'm trying to be positive and hopeful that these 5 follies I have will look wonderful and mature and have healthy, perfectly fertilizing and growing eggs in them. That said, I can't not consider all the possibilities when the cycle looks so disappointing compared to last time. I think if Dr. D were going to cancel he would/should have done so already, instead of letting me stim for almost two weeks, so I don't see this happening. But, if we do have to cancel, the cycle rolls over and we are out the services/medications that we have already used. For this cycle, that would be:

• All monitoring appointments that I've had including ultrasounds and labs
• All medication I've used thus far 

This would leave quite a bit left to roll over:

• ICSI take two which we've already paid for
• Embryo Biopsy
• Egg Retrieval with anesthesia etc 
• Cryopreservation and storage
• Any unused medication, in this case it would be just the Novarel and a day of Menopur
• Any unused money ear marked for monitoring 

So really, it could be worse. If for some reason I walk in tomorrow and they say we need to cancel, we wouldn't be paying for the entire cycle all over again. It would just suck incredibly, but not as much as going ahead and getting no embryos.

Come on follicles. Come on eggs. I need you to be good and healthy in there. I don't think E could take cancelling a cycle and I couldn't handle giving up on getting more embryos to test. I've put too much of myself, my marriage, my heart, my hope, my love, my health, my body, into this to give up on one crappy cycle.