Waiting, Wondering, Worrying

Well here we are, the day before Thanksgiving, the day before we're supposed to get our results. I thought I'd been dealing with the waiting and what ifs pretty well, I've been staying super busy and for the most part haven't allowed myself to think or dwell on it. I've been intently picking out super cute leggings from various Aussie websites (It's turning into an addiction and I don't even have my first pair yet), hunting for boots to go with said leggings, working on my aquarium which is always soothing and getting everything ready for Thanksgiving. I haven't been counting the hours but it would pop into my head every few days that we were that much closer to results. Somehow they always seemed far off, something that would be happening in the future.

Now, it's the night before and I'm thinking I'm not so okay. After a conversation about socializing with friends turned into a conversation about parents and babies, I suddenly felt quite irrationally emotional, like a cup in the process of overflowing. It's clear that even though I haven't been consciously dwelling on it, my subconscious has been drowning. I tend to internalize things so I can carry on calmly and I now feel like an idiot for genuinely not knowing why my hair seemed to be falling out the other day. It's one of the telltale giveaways that I'm under stress but at the time I couldn't think what it could be. Way to block out the big stuff brain, I'm sure that's super healthy.

On what will likely be the eve of our PGD results reveal unless the clinic closes for Thanksgiving, which is still a possibility, it appears my brain has run out of distractions. It's hit me like a freight train that this is it and I don't know what to do.  I can't stop going over horrible things even though I'm trying to put only positive energy and thoughts out there.

We still haven't paid for our PGS. H never called me back to get our credit card. Does this mean all our embryos were effected so they never did the PGS screening?

What if all our embryos are sick? What if we went through this for nothing?

What if they don't call with our results? How will I get through Thanksgiving with all those people? How will I get through it anyway if it's bad news?

E just got sick and has probably now exposed me. Will that effect our FET if when we get there?

I'm so, so scared our results won't be good. We've been through so much, I've been through so much I need these frozen babies to be healthy.  Now all I can think about is the worst case scenario and I feel like I'm going to choke on the lump it brings to my throat. Please be healthy embryos. Please be healthy.

Christmas Delays?!?!

Originally, I was planning on putting an embryo back straight away after this IVF cycle. I psyched myself all up for a November transfer and told myself I'd have good news for the holidays. I was ready to go, let's get this embryo toasty warm in my uterus!

Then, Dr. D put the kibosh on that. He said I've been injecting waaay too much medication into my body, two months in a row, and that wouldn't make for the most ideal environment for our embryo. Damn. He suggested that we take a wash cycle, wait for the drugs to really leave my system and start fresh with a nice, fresh cycle. Okay, I don't love the idea of waiting yet another month, but I would never do anything to jeopardize the success of my frosties so I got on board. One wash cycle to get everything out and THEN we'd thaw out a frostie and put it back.

With a regular cycle, it's pretty easy to plan when things should be happening. With this period showing up right on time I was pretty much positive that we'd be doing our transfer shortly after Christmas, probably sometime around the 28th if Dr. D really planned on transferring on CD 17. I've heard some people transfer later, closer to CD 20 or 22 but Dr. D said CD 17 so that's what I went with. I psyched myself up again for a Christmas transfer told myself I'd have wonderful news around January 9th. A September baby would be wonderful, right before the holidays really started to pick up.

I was reading through my IVF support group, reminding myself to practice patience when I read about some clinics closing for the holidays and delaying treatments. This should have been obvious, of course they'd want to go on holiday, but my clinic couldn't be closing because I'm transferring right after Christmas, right?  Right??

Nooooooo!!!

I got on the phone to Dr. D's nurse and asked them about their Christmas schedule. Bam, my worst fears were confirmed. They usually close for two weeks spanning the end of December to the beginning of January. Fuck. Right over when I was supposed to be doing my transfer. Double Fuck.

I explained to the nurse that I was supposed to be transferring over that time period and wasn't expecting my period to start until December 12th. She elaborated that the ART center closes completely for those two weeks but there's still a crew on the clinic side. The last day for most things is December 18th and there are only certain days after that where they can perform specific procedures. This is probably for those people who need to stim longer than expected and need their retrieval done over those two weeks, not for people who are looking to transfer a frozen embryo that's perfectly happy waiting on ice.

She told me to call with the first day of my period and we would see how things look then but it looks like we'll be delayed yet another month. I was just getting used to the idea of taking one month off and now we have to take two. I told my acupuncturist S how disappointed I was and she said that success rates are lower around Christmas because people are stressed out so I wouldn't want to transfer then anyway, but I'm pretty sure she was just trying to make me feel better. I don't see out of town family members or deal with a lot of family drama over Christmas so I'm fairly certain that my chances wouldn't be any lower just because it's the holidays.  My frostie certainly doesn't know it's Christmas.

All I want for Christmas is a batch of healthy embryos! One in my belly and the rest on ice.

If we have to wait two months, we won't get to transfer until the end of January, probably around the 25th. This means that I would potentially be getting good (because I refuse to believe otherwise) news on my birthday. It would be a wonderful birthday gift but I'm so anxious to get an embryo back where it belongs. This process takes so long and every month more feels like forever.

News To Be Thankful For?

I still haven't heard back from H, the financial person at Reprogenetics, so I shot an email off to my Reprogenetics genetic counselor D to see if she could give me an update. H is usually really good about getting back to me, she must be on vacation or out of the office because she's never had me wait more than a couple days. I know they won't release my results until they're paid so she's going to have to get back to me eventually to get my credit card.

Lucky for me, D is in the office and she got back to me pretty much right away. I asked her to confirm that she'd received the samples since I had only heard from Dr. D about that, and asking whether testing had begun because we can't wait for some good news.

The message I got back basically said:

I know the waiting is hard. We've started testing,  it will take the full 15 days. You'll know on 11/27.

I know Garfield. I know.

For those who didn't catch that bit at the end, 11/27 is Thanksgiving. When we will have all sorts of people in the house. We will be getting either really good news or really bad news with a house full of people. The waiting is so tough,  I can't wait to find out, but this is not how I wanted to do it.

Plus, I'm sure Dr. D won't be working on Thanksgiving. If he's not in the office, we don't get our results. Reprogenetics is sending them directly to Dr. D not to us, since the sensitive information should be explained by a doctor yadda yadda. I'd honestly rather they just email them so I don't have to talk to anyone if the results are bad but that isn't an option.

E and I wanted time to ourselves to process and deal with the results. We didn't want to share them with the few family members who know, especially if they're not good, until we'd digested them and figured out our next move. Honestly we really wish they didn't know the testing was going on since their questions/expectations/hopes/certainty really make us feel worse and not better. I don't think they realize how difficult the process is, how often people end up with no healthy embryos to transfer. Even with 6 to test, we could very easily have no healthies and their certainty that all our embryos will be healthy and everything will be roses and sunshine feels shallow.

Maybe we'll get lucky and we'll get wonderful news early. I'm still hopeful that our embryos will be healthy, that we'll have 6 frosty babies to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. But it would be really nice if we could get our results without an audience.

AF With A Vengeance

Unsurprisingly, my period showed up exactly on time, 11 days after my trigger. There has to be something said for predictability, at least I know when the witch should be rearing her ugly head. The first couple days I had to top up my Advil every 4 hours instead of every 8+ like I usually would, those cramps break through surprisingly quickly. A couple days in they're not awful, uncomfortable yes, but I'm good with just a couple Advil each day.

I think the toughest part has been waiting with nothing to do. I've taken the supplements, done the injections, done the retrievals, and now all I can do is wait and wait for my test results to come back. There's absolutely nothing I can do to help or speed up the process which is a very unusual position for me to find myself in. I'm not even sure if they've started the testing yet since I haven't heard back from the financial person yet, I'll probably give both her and the lab a call tomorrow to ask for an update.

(And wait....and wait...and wait...)

Once I stop bleeding like a dying person and feel halfway normal again, my plan is to hit the gym hard and try to take off some of this IVF weight. I feel like I've been packing on inches by the handful and I'd really like to get some of it off before I get pregnant. I already know I won't be allowed to gain a ton of weight, not that I really expect to gain a ton anyway, but it would be nice to start at a more normal point for me instead of this far ahead. Of course, starting a diet/exercise plan right before Thanksgiving is probably not the smartest thing I've ever done, but I don't have a lot of time and I need to get rid of this IVF fluid belly so I have room for a baby in there!

Biopsy Samples Off!

This was supposed to post yesterday, I'm not sure why it didn't :/ Weird! 

I wasn't expecting a call this morning since our embryos have already been biopsied, vitrified and tucked safely away, so I was surprised and a little worried when I saw SCRC come up on my caller ID. It turns out Dr. D was just calling to give me an update and let me know that my biopsy samples had been shipped and should be arriving at Reprogenetics today! I wasn't expecting them to ship out so quickly, especially since today is a holiday, but we're officially ready to start testing.

Dr. D said he spoke with Reprogenetics today and they're going to run our tests consecutively - the PGD for Fragile X first, and then the aCGH PGS on any unaffected and premutation carriers. This means that only Fragile X negative embryos will be screened for chromosome issues, which makes sense. What I'd like to know, is if we pay for "up to" 8 embryos and only test 6, can we test 2 more in the future without additional charges? Probably not, but its definitely on my list of things to ask them since I've heard of other people doing this with their labs. I still need to give them my credit card information for the aCGH but I haven't been able to get in touch with their financial person H yet. I left a message with their messaging service on Monday so I'll probably call again tomorrow.

Cilly sneaks into the linen closet for a relaxing nap

Dr. D also hinted that he thought we might get our test results early. He said the 15 day estimate was quite conservative, if the lab was busy, etc. Once the PGD is complete, and this is the portion that takes a bit longer, the aCGH will be performed the next day and then we'll have our results. Everyone at the clinic has their fingers crossed for us and we're all thinking positive and willing these embryos to be healthy.

As for recovery, I'm still really bloated and starting to get occasional cramps in anticipation of my period which should be due at the end of the week. I can wear my regular jeans but the belly is definitely there and it's deflating unevenly. When I woke up this morning my belly button looked off center which is so weird, the right side seems to have gone down a bit faster than the left. I can't wait for my belly to be huge and lopsided because there's a tiny person in there, not just a ton of fluid.

Our Probe Is READY!

Yesterday morning, I went ahead with my plan to phone Reprogenetics to get an update on our probe. I can never manage to catch someone at their desk so I left a message and waited for a call back. They're usually pretty good about returning calls and it only took a couple of hours for their New Jersey caller ID to pop up on my phone.

My rep for our probe process wasted no time in telling me that our probe is DONE! It's ready! We were originally quoted 6-8 weeks but it ended up being less than 4 weeks from the date they got our samples to the date of completion. I was so surprised, this is wonderful news :) I was anticipating a deadline closer to the 8 weeks and was worrying that we wouldn't get results in time to go right into a FET.

Once we conclude this cycle and the lab has received all our biopsy samples, it takes 15 calendar days to get PGD and aCGH results on our frosties.  Those will be two loooong weeks and I'll probably be going crazy but I know we'll get some good results.

(Source)

This is an example of Fluorescent In-Situ Hybridization, or FISH, a quick result type of PGD that we can't use for Fragile X but that is super cool to look at. This one is for muscular dystrophy. Embryo C is a normal male embryo, I believe the light pink is Y, the dark pink is X and since there's only one X in a boy, a single green dot for a normal chromosome. D and F are both normal female embryos, two green dots each, one for each X, the two dark pink dots. A shows a female carrier embryo, one of her chromosomes is affected but the other is okay, two dark pink dots and a single green dot, and B and E show affected male embryos, no green dots.

Hopefully we will have lots and lots of healthy embryos from both cycles but first we need a nice, big haul from this one. I just started up shots again today, this time 4 Menopur and Omnitrope in the morning and 4 Menopur in the evening. Every time I start up another cycle, I forget how much the Menopur burns!