17dp5/6dt - OB Labs

As I mentioned in my previous post, once we got our first positive beta we officially completed the protocol for our frozen embryo transfer. This is pretty standard protocol, I knew that our FET fee wouldn't cover our ultrasounds but somehow I got my wires crossed and thought that it would cover all our betas and hormone tests. That was a $450 surprise and both the clinic and I were hoping to avoid more expenses like that if possible.

Since E and I have Kaiser, our insurance should cover all prenatal care - labs, ultrasounds and appointments. However, since our plan is an HMO, they won't cover any outside care that isn't an emergency even when it's prenatal. Darn. The ultrasounds we can't get around because Dr. D has to check up on our little embie himself, but any lab can run blood tests. So, today Dr. D's nurse sent over a lab order and I had the pleasure of figuring out how to translate that order into the Kaiser system.

I think at a regular lab, I'd just hand this slip over. Not so at Kaiser :/

Unfortunately, my first and second choices for getting the labs ordered were unavailable. Both my acupuncturist (and Kaiser nurse midwife) and OB/GYN were out of the office today and wouldn't be back until Monday. My labs needed to be drawn on Saturday so that wouldn't work. My next option was to leave a message for the on call OB, which I did, but didn't feel particularly confident about it since I don't know them. After waiting a couple hours and not hearing back from them, I went for the last resource I could think of, the Kaiser infertility department.

Unlike most departments of Kaiser that prefer you contact them through the general number, the infertility department gives patients a direct line. While I was doing my IUIs with them, I never had to fuss with an automated system or tell the general system receptionist what I was trying to do. There was always a nurse or assistant on the other end of the line and there was one there today when I called almost a year to the day after my first IUI baseline appointment. I explained everything to them, that I had done IUIs there a year ago, moved on to IVF and now that I had a positive beta I was looking everywhere for someone to order tests for me. They were predictably awesome.

Two minutes on hold, during which two other nurses picked up to see if I was a new caller who needed something, and my labs were ordered. Thanks Kaiser Infertility. I should have called you guys straight away, IUI might not have worked for me but you've been awesome from the very beginning.

I hope these lovely dark lines translate into a super high beta tomorrow. I think we're shooting for something around 6,000 but I'm not completely sure. I think doubling times are supposed to slow to 72-96 hours from 48-72 hours between 5 and 6 weeks. 

16dp5/6dt - Mourning for a Friend

Today, I am mourning for a friend. In an incredibly cruel twist of fate, one of my best friends lost her seemingly healthy baby at almost 14 weeks. With 12 weeks usually regarded as the safe zone, it caught everyone completely off guard. Her previous pregnancies were healthy, all previous appointments had been fine, there was no warning or reasoning - just a fluke occurrence that no one could have prevented. 

Growing new life is such a fragile thing. An incredibly complex process where so many things can go wrong, it's amazing that any of us are here. Even when development looks smooth, one foot can slide out of place and the entire dance is lost. Her loss is a sobering reminder that anything can happen. I hope she and her family are able to get some answers, grieve and heal. 

E and I are still so early in our process that it's difficult to accept it and believe that everything is alright. I look at the birth boards and groups I should be joining for January babies and it looks like a different world - a place were people get pregnant easily, where genetic carriers and IVF/PGD don't exist, where all pregnancies yield a healthy baby.  I don't belong there. I still expect to walk into the ultrasound and see empty sacs or have someone jump out and say "just kidding!".  

The anxiety has been tough lately, throwing me off because I'm not usually an anxious person, and I know I need to work harder on living "today". Anything can happen tomorrow, we could have a healthy baby or babies, empty sacs, a miscarriage at 14 weeks - but today I AM pregnant. Two lines keep showing up every morning, even when the test is a crappy one (I'm looking at you 15dp6dt test - damn your crappy dye lot!). 

Today I am exactly 5 weeks pregnant. According to the www.ivf.ca calculator, cardiac contractions should have begun yesterday in our teeny tiny embryo(s). As long as everything is going okay in there, we should be able to see a heart beat around the 18th. I can't wait to see that tiny flicker. 

15dp5/6dt - Am I Pregnant Today?

This morning, I slept in an extra hour and 45 minutes. I took a test, because I do every morning now, and the test line had somewhat crappy dye uptake. I ate left overs for breakfast, ate a real lunch and tried to snack all day long. I still had heartburn, I don't think I can do anything else about that, but I wasn't starving and I didn't get super exhausted.

Most people would say that's an improvement, a good day because I stayed ahead of things and felt pretty good. For me, with infertility PTSD, my first instinct is to assume there's something wrong.

What if my pregnancy is a chemical?

What if there were two and I'm losing one?

What if my HCG is too high and it's a molar pregnancy? 

What if I'm not pregnant anymore?

After everything we've been through, even with no real supportive evidence, I can't help but assume that something is/will go wrong. I don't know how to relax or how to believe that I'm really pregnant and this worked. How to accept that crappy dye uptake on a STILL POSITIVE pregnancy test could mean anything other than the test is cheap. What kind of crazy person assumes that they've lost a pregnancy because they're not super exhausted that day? It couldn't possibly be the almost 2 extra hours of sleep I got, nooooo. There must be something wrong.

I don't know when this anxiety goes away. When we make it past 12 weeks? When we make it to viability? When I actually have them safely in my arms? Will it ever go away or will it follow me into motherhood, sneaking up in the middle of the night, telling me to check my child(ren)'s breathing? Infertility has been our reality for so long, it colors everything I do.

I'm trying to take things one day at a time. I wish I could look through a peep hole into my uterus to to make sure everything is okay in there. I don't think I can wait 2 more weeks for an ultrasound to see if there are actually bab(ies) in there or if this has all been some sort of cruel joke.

14dp5/6dt - Tricky Baby?

The more I look at my beta numbers, the more I wonder if we don't have a little tricky baby in there. My beta started off high but this last one has gone way up and now I'm giving serious thought to the possibility that there could be two in there - identical twins.

We transferred a Blastocyst so if we had twins, they would have split after day 6

In general, HCG numbers in PGD pregnancies tend to be on the lower side. It's most likely due to the biopsy of the embryo since they're removing cells that would otherwise be producing HCG in early pregnancy. When you remove those cells, the embryo takes a bit longer to bounce back and regrow enough cells to produce high numbers of HCG. It could also be the result of late implantation too, for the same reason really, the embryo needs to bounce back a little before it can successfully implant. Clearly, this hasn't been the case for me. Even my doubling time seems to be ahead of schedule, normal is 48-72 hours and thus far mine has been 35.34 hours.

Betabase.info Doubling calculator

With a beta number of 1642 at 13dp5dt or 18dpo, this puts us in the above, above average category for a singleton pregnancy. With 192 ladies sharing the same range, it's not unheard of but it is significantly higher than average. Only 229/2751 singleton pregnancies had numbers as high as mine or higher, that's only 8.3%.  Again, not impossible, but certainly not common.

If there's only one in there, they sure are an over achiever!

Although the percentage is small, it's believed that biopsying an embryo slightly increases the odds that it will split into monozygotic or identical twins. The theory is that by manipulating the embryo via cell removal and piercing the shell, you're making it more likely for the zygote to split clean in half and develop into two separate babies - either Mono/Di or Mono/Mono twins. Mono/Di twins have their own amniotic sacs but share the same placenta, while Mono/Mono twins share the same amniotic sac and placenta. You can also have Di/Di identical twins when the embryo splits early on, at the morula stage. Those babies actually have their own placentas since they split before they implanted. Mono/Mono twins carry a great number of risks, it's a lot to ask one amniotic sac to hold two babies plus the increased likelihood twin to twin transfusion syndrome (TTTS), cord problems and circulatory problems. Luckily, Mono/Mono twins usually only account for 3% of identical twins. Mono/Di twins are also at risk for TTTS but having their own amniotic sacs offers some protection. Mono/Di babies are often misdiagnosed as Mono/Mono early in the pregnancy because the dividing membrane can be tough to see until later on.

My beta seems a lot more at home in this chart

Looking at the twins beta chart, my numbers are a much better fit within the normal averages. 410/1442  twin mamas had numbers as high as or higher than mine which is 28%, a number that makes a lot more sense than 8%. If we'd transferred two embryos there'd be no doubt in my mind that there's two in there, but with identicals still being such a small percentage, I think it could go either way. Honestly, we'd be happy either way, with an over achieving singleton or a tricky baby that got bored and decided to split. I just want a nice, healthy, normal and boring pregnancy.

13dp5/6dt - Woah Beta!

This mornings beta looked just fabulous! I was hoping for at least 800 with an optimistic 1200 but my HCG is officially 1642! Go little over achiever, go! My hormone levels looked good too, estrogen is 247 and progesterone is 24, and that's with just Endometrin, no progesterone in oil. Not bad for a natural transfer with no PIO!

I will never tire of peeing on these sticks #newhobby

The next check in is Saturday when they'll do another set of labs. The only bummer is that we've now officially completed our FET cycle so everything is charged by appointment again. Today's labs ran me $450 for HCG, progesterone and estrogen from today, and the Estrogen and Progesterone they added on to my last beta and forgot to charge me for. Going forward, that makes a regular appointment with labs and an ultrasound about $610 EACH time. Ouch. Still though, it's a really good problem to have. I'm going to see if I can have my labs run at Kaiser instead of the clinic since they'll cover 100% of them as part of my prenatal care.

As far as our ultrasound, it looks like we're going to have to wait a bit longer to take a peak at our embie baby. I had originally been told by a tech that we'd have one ultrasound at 5 weeks to confirm an intrauterine pregnancy and another between 6-7 weeks to measure the fetal pole, check out the yolk sac and maybe even see a heartbeat. Today the nurse said I'd have just the labs at the end of this week and then an ultrasound at around 6 weeks so it looks like we're skipping the 5 week one. I know it saves us a little money but it's a whooooole week longer I have to wait to lay eyes on this bub. It's crazy how we've been waiting so long for this and now 2 weeks seems like a lifetime away!

10dp5/6dt - First Beta!

E and I went in for our first beta this morning! It was really quick, although it's usually busy on Fridays, the place was practically empty and there was no line for labs. We hopped on the road shortly thereafter and headed for San Diego with our nurse's promise that we'd get called with the beta results by the afternoon.

We were waiting and waiting and it was sometime after I'd made E stop so I could pee that we finally got the call.

Our first beta is positive! My HCG is 400!

I was hoping for/expecting a positive beta given our home tests, but 400 completely blew me away. So many of my fellow IVF/FET ladies have numbers around 100-200 so I was definitely not expecting 400. Wow, we clearly have a little over achiever nice and cozy in there.

Our next beta is Monday since we'll still be out of town on Sunday. Dr. D wasn't concerned about the extra day, he said they often worry when a first beta comes in at 20 or 30, but at 400 he expects things to progress well. We'll confirm doubling time on Monday and then, fingers crossed, have our first ultrasound two weeks later. Each step is like a weight off my shoulders, another positive sign that our little embie is sticking things out. And as a bonus, if all looks good and my estrogen and progesterone are holding up well at our ultrasound, they can start weaning me off the Estrace and Endometrin early!

Now that it's evening and the positive is soaking in, E has gone off to work the game and I'm settled comfortably into our hotel. They upgraded us from a standard room to a one bedroom suite so I have my pick of the bed, two arm chairs or a large, squishy couch. It's a good thing too, I haven't done much today but I think I could use a nap.

View from the couch :)

And before I forget, I gave the CozyFolk liner a try today and it is so, so comfortable. I don't know how the edges would hold up to blood, but they're so soft and just blend right in to your undies. Definite thumbs up.

9dp5/6dt - Still two lines!

I tested again this morning with another crappy old cheapie since the tests that bestie mailed still haven't arrived. One package has literally been sitting and collecting dust in my local FedEx office but they won't let me go pick it up. Super annoyed with FedEx right now. Even though yesterdays tests were positive, I think I held my breath from the appearance of the control line to the moment the second line popped up. It still feels surreal, though I'm doing my best to enjoy it in the here and now.

The lines look purple because I took the photo after the tests were dry. I think the lines are getting darker!

I also received my cloth pad order from Cozy Folk! I took a chance and ordered a couple postpartum/overnight sized pads along with my liners, telling myself that I could always use them just as overnight pads. If all continues to go well, I'll actually get to use them postpartum :) I bought two 14" heavies and two 12" moderates. The colors and patterns are super bright and adorable but her design is something I've never seen before!

Two 14" on the left, two 12" on the right

I'm not sure if you can tell because I snapped these photos quickly but her pads are backed in Wind Pro fleece with a raw edge. The backing extends past the core as it does in most pads, but instead of continuing the absorbent top material to the edge, she finishes the top fabric edges a couple cms in from the backing edges. I think this is done to prevent leaking off the edge, the backing fabric is water resistant so it won't absorb any liquid, although the single layer around the edges feels somewhat flimsy and floppy compared to the double layers on other pads. In theory, I think liquid will bead and head towards the core and the soft edges will probably be pretty comfortable.

For liners, I decided to try minky, which is especially stain resistant, because I ordered them before I started the Endometrin. I think they'll be just fine and comfy but my plain cotton topped liners have actually been the best for Endometrin thus far. As it dissolves, the pill comes out as a sort of chalky, powdery paste that gets caught in the fibers of longer fabrics but rinses easily off plain, flat cotton. I actually prefer the flannel for my period, but thus far the smooth cotton fabrics win for suppositories. I'll have to see how the minky does tomorrow.

Sorry for the crappy photo!

More importantly, tomorrow is my first official beta! I've been trying to keep my mind off of it so I stay relaxed but it's much easier said than done. I'm not really nervous, but I feel like I'm filled with restless energy. I keep sitting down and then popping back up and I can't seem to settle down.  Unfortunately, walking around a lot seems to give me more little cramps so I feel reluctant to get it out by taking the dog for a walk or something similar.  I might try packing since E and I are heading to San Diego for a couple days for E's work. I'm hoping relaxing in the hotel will be a nice distraction to waiting for my levels to rise for the next anticipated beta on Monday. Or I could end up pacing the room, sitting down and popping back up just like I'm doing here. When does it stop? When my betas rise correctly? When we see a heartbeat? When we get to 12 weeks? When do I relax, or do you never really relax after IVF?

8dp5/6dt - I DID A THING

AHHHHH!!  Do you see it?? These tests are super expired, and it's really, really early, today would only be 3 weeks 6 days, but I see a line on all three tests! We have to keep our cool, it's so early and my betas aren't until Friday and Monday so we won't even know if my HCG levels are high enough to be a viable baby. I've just never had a positive pregnancy test before!

I know at this point that it could be a chemical or an ectopic or any number of other things but for right now, in this moment, I think I'm pregnant! And if that wasn't enough, the doorbell rang and it was a gorgeous bouquet of red roses from one of my besties who knew I was having trouble getting through the two week wait. 

She included a really sweet card and that just about did me in, my hormones can't take this kind of sweetness when I'm this full of emotion already. I couldn't even call her to say thank you, by the time I got my myself together I was at Milou's class where no one knows what we're doing, so I had to text her. She also put some pregnancy tests in the mail for me and they will hopefully arrive tomorrow. That way I have more sticks to pee on before the beta so I can make myself wonderfully crazy over how dark the line is. In the meantime I'm both elated and exhausted, with a healthy dose of sharp little cramps thrown in to remind me that my embie baby is in there doing stuff. 

I can't believe this is really happening. After everything, our embryo is actually sticking!

7dp5/6dt - Spotting Vanished!

Yesterday, even though I know it's normal, the pink spotting was really freaking me the fuck out. It finally, mercifully, stopped after a little over an hour, and I haven't seen even the tiniest trace of it since although I'm still holding my breath every time I pee. I know logically that since it was pink, it was probably from my cervix which has to be supremely pissed off from all the progesterone I've been shoving up there.

The blood was also somewhat streaky, meaning there's a good chance it could be implantation bleeding, a small bleed from the embryo burrowing into the uterine lining and shoving some aside as it gets cozy. You usually get implantation bleeding about 10-14 days after conception, although it's a little different with IVF. I got my spotting 12 days after ovulation, which fits perfectly into that window had we conceived naturally, 6 days after we put our embryo back. If it is implantation bleeding, it could also have been from a couple days before and it just took a little while to make it's way out.

I wasn't going to post a photo because Ewww but then while I was googling implantation bleeding photos for several hours last night I found myself increasingly frustrated that more people hadn't posted their own gross photos. How could I compare my spotting if no one shared theirs?? Did my spotting look normal? Did someone else experience the same thing and have a healthy baby in there? I needed answers! The few people who did post photos, usually on message boards, didn't update the same thread with the outcome which was incredibly obnoxious. So, I decided after much thought to go ahead and post my photo, for the next person out there googling implantation bleeding and freaking out. I promise you I'll update when it turns out that this was implantation bleeding and I have a healthy little fighter in there.

Still, it is a little TMI for many people, so I'm going to post it after the jump so no one gets their sensibilities offended. If you don't want to see blood on a tissue, DO NOT proceed.

6dp5/6dt - Spotting and Cramping

Today, on my way home from acupuncture, I started to experience some mild cramping. It isn't awful but it is more cramping than I've had this whole cycle. I was hoping it was just uterine growing pains until I got home, peed, and noticed pink spotting.

I freaked out, wiped again, and to my great dismay, there was more. I know spotting is extremely common, some crazy high number like 90% of women on vaginal progesterone experience spotting, but that doesn't make it less scary. My only consolation is that the spotting was definitely pink, which is most often implantation spotting or cervical bleeding, usually due to irritation from the Endometrin. Brown spotting is old blood, not worrying, and red blood is obviously concerning since it's usually a period, miscarriage or sub-chronic hematoma.

As long as the bleeding doesn't turn red, I think we're still in the game. My beta isn't until the end of the week and it's only Monday, my nerves might not last until then if this keeps up. I'm hoping with everything that this is implantation bleeding and cramping from our embryo getting good and cozy and not my period trying to break through.

Please, please stick baby. Please, please, please! I'm back in bed drinking tons of water per my acupuncturist and am going to have to take it easy for the rest of the week. Come on baby, you have to stick!

4dp5/6dt - Out of the house

After four days at home, I finally journeyed outside the house today! I went to work at a client's house for a few hours, so not super exciting but still something interesting. It wasn't bad, but my tummy did start to feel tender and kind of sensitive towards the end - it's not in my stomach like a digestive upset, but in my physical belly. I don't want things touching it or pressing against it.

That brings our progesterone symptoms to:

• Tender, sensitive tummy
• Twinges, pokes and little cramps
• Minor hormonalness
• Hunger, I wake up hungry every morning
• Thirst
• Major bloating, my belly is huuuuuge
• Heartburn?

There are probably a few I'm not thinking of since I'm pretty tired, (haha I should add exhaustion to the list) but none are coming to mind at the moment. I'm going to try another little outing tomorrow, some walking around for a couple hours, and see how that goes. Our little embryo should be nice and cozy now and I'm still on the fence about whether I should test early or not. If I test early and it's negative, that will be devastating, but  if  when it's positive I will get to see a positive pregnancy test for the first time ever. It's a tough call.

3dp5/6dt - Crazy Cady Lady

Today, Cillian has been downright obsessed with my belly. He wants to lay on it, kneed it, nuzzle it and sleep on it all day long. He's not an aloof kitty by any means but he doesn't usually spend his days with me when there is sunshine to sleep in and kitty siblings to play with. Even Soximus Prime has been belly obsessed, he climbed onto my belly while I was trying to pee and went to sleep! So naturally, instead of assuming it's because my belly is especially squishy, warm and tempting from the progesterone, it gets me wondering: can cats smell early pregnancy hormones?

Oh, you wanted to pee? No, I don't think so, I'm sleeping here

Unfortunately, Pubmed doesn't seem to have a lot of information on feline recognition of early pregnancy factor, an immunosuppressant produced after conception and later by the implanted embryo. Nor is there a lot of information on feline recognition of HCG, the hormone produced after implantation. Still! If dogs and cats can smell high and low blood sugar on the breath, cancer in urine samples, or sense electrical impulses, I'm sure they can smell the hormone changes associated with pregnancy.

Although it's only been a few days and my belly is super squishy and tempting, I'm gonna choose to believe that our embie has implanted nice and secure and our fuzzies are sensing the changes. Maybe they're smelling some rising HCG levels!

2dp5/6dt - Antsy Already

Today I am still sitting in bed. Sitting and trying to distract myself from thoughts of embryos and implantation with cheesy cable movies and HGTV reruns. Every so often, between episodes of House Hunters and You've Got Mail, I try one of those visualization techniques where I picture the embryo implanting and establishing a good blood supply. Burrow in deep little embie.

Right now, there's hopefully a whole combination of things going on to adhere our embie to my uterine wall. The first step, the attachment, occurs when the outer cells of our blast attach to my endometrium, or the first layers of the uterine lining sometime around 6-10 days after ovulation. The lining sort of swells up to meet the embryo and the embryo coasts down the uterine wall to the best spot. Once they're adhered in place, the embie releases enzymes that break down the the cells of my lining to let the embie into my uterine wall where they'll begin exchanging hormones and start the early development of the placenta.

(Source)

A lot of women have pink or brown spotting around this time that they usually refer to as implantation bleeding. Sometimes that makes sense if it's 6-10 days after ovulation, but other times it doesn't really line up which makes me think it could also be cervical irritation from the vaginal progesterone so many IVF patients are on. I haven't had any spotting yet but believe me, I'm looking out for it just in case. We're right in that implantation window and with all the twinges and tiny cramps I'm feeling, I'd love some insight as to what's going on in there!

Progester-Woah!

I went in for my progesterone draw this morning, fingers crossed that my progesterone decided to climb, at least a little. We had to go in early since the lab closes by 9:30am on Saturdays and I was moving extra slowly from the lingering shadow of a migraine. I had a feeling some head aches would be forthcoming from the hormones I started yesterday and they certainly didn't disappoint. After this many medicated cycles, it's pretty much a guarantee that high estrogen and progesterone will give me at least one migraine within the first 12 hours.

Still, I made it there in time and was finished with the draw in just a few minutes. I had gotten home, put in a new Endometrin and changed my pad (ew - I got lucky yesterday with a clean pad but last nights pill pretty much dissolved and fell out this morning. GROSS) and started prepping breakfast when the phone rang with results.

By today, they're looking for your progesterone to be 8 or above. Since mine was only 1.5 when they were looking for 2.0, I was a little worried it might still be low but all that anxiety, and the chocolate bunny head I ate, were for nothing! The nurse immediately said my progesterone looks great and told me my level was 15 today! This officially clears us for our Tuesday transfer and we're now just waiting on the lab to assign us our official time. Only 3 days to go until our frostie is home!

Gratuitous photo of Milou that a fellow agility student took today. Look at my lady rocking that tire :)

Endometrin Again

Today's appointment was a quick one, just a single vial blood draw to check out my progesterone levels. Unfortunately, it looks like my numbers are just a tad low, they like to see a level around 2.0 and mine was only 1.5. This isn't a setback though, it just means it's time to start my Estrace and Endometrin as scheduled to boost it up a bit. It is rising as it's supposed to, it went from 0.7 to 1.5 with ovulation and since I haven't taken any hormones until now, that was entirely on my own steam.

 Still, it's time for a little extra support so as soon as I hung up the phone with the nurse, I swallowed my Estrace and popped in an Endometrin tablet and snapped on cloth panty liner. Then I rushed off to acupuncture for my weekly needles and nap session. I'm gearing up for the transfer with S as well, I did my last regular heat clearing and energy moving session today and will see her again Monday where she'll prep me for the embryo by improving blood flow to my uterus.  I'll be seeing her or her associate D on Tuesday after the transfer as well to help our little frostie stick.

Please don't kill my panty liners Endometrin...

Since this little babe IS going to stick and I'm going to be taking Endometrin for the next 10-12 weeks, I'm curious to see how my liners hold up to the assault. I'm trying out an all cotton flannel liner today and I'm thinking I might strip it with dish soap or something similarly grease cutting afterward, just to prevent any of the medication medium from affecting the absorbancy of the fabric.

My next check in is tomorrow to see how much my progesterone has gone up in 24 hours. My poor little arm, the tech can still only draw from one vein so it's taking a lot of abuse. This brings the FET calendar to two more days of Medrol, three more days of the Z-Pack and aspirin, and hopefully 10-12 more weeks of the Endometrin and Estrace to look forward to.

Embryo Selection

Since our FET is officially back on, we've reached the point where Dr. D has asked us to start thinking about which embryo we'd like to transfer! While this isn't an option in every country, many specifically forbid this due to gender selection, we do have the opportunity to personally select our embryos in the US. When PGD couples do elect to hand pick their embies, they usually do so based on carrier/disease status, doctor's recommendation, embryo grade (quality) and gender. However, in our case, these four qualifiers don't really apply.

For starters, we only have two embryos and both are "healthy". None of my embryos were carriers, they were either affected or not, so these two are both Fragile X free and chromosomally normal. Although grading tends to be less important once embryos have made it to day 5, both our embryos are considered the same grade and quality so there's no advantage to one over the other.  Because of this, Dr. D has no option or recommendation as he thinks they're both good, healthy babies to be. As for gender, E and I are keeping that a bit of a surprise but we have no children and we'd like at least one of each anyway.  Boy or girl, double of either, we'd be equally thrilled.

Since we don't have a clear reason or method for choosing Embryo A over Embryo B or vice versa, it's left me open to start over thinking things like birth order and its effects on personality and development. What if I don't select the embryo that would have done better being born first? What if the genders are different? Would it be better for a girl to have an older brother or a boy to have an older sister? Sometimes boys with older female siblings tend to be more calm but I loved having a "cool" older brother and I think it made me a stronger girl. What if the genders are the same like my sister and I, who would I have been if my younger sister had been born first?  What if the embryo we pick doesn't stick, or what if they one we pick does stick but the second one doesn't and by then I have no eggs left? It's a slippery slope and neither E or I really know how to go about making the decision.

This leaves us with just a few options:

• We could go with embryologist's choice and ask them to select an embryo randomly on the day of. This is probably as random a choice as we can make since we have no part in the decision. 
• We could pull names out of a hat. Make little Embryo A and Embryo B cards and see which one comes out. 
• We could read over the embryo reports and gender and look for anything that might indicate one embryo over the other to be transferred first

When we geared up for our first FET attempt, we made a soft decision to go with the embryo labeled  Embryo A. While we were both okay with that, so much has happened since then that we've started to doubt our decision, especially since we didn't have a good reason for making it. Now, we've got about a month to decide and the clock is ticking. A or B? How do we decide who gets a chance to come home first?

Happy Holidays 2014

Milou wishes everyone a Happy Holiday!

Here we are, the day before Christmas Eve, and I've been so busy running around that I haven't written about any of the things we've been doing. Assuming everything checks out at my next baseline appointment, today should be my last birth control only day! Come Christmas Eve, I'll be taking my birth control and doing my first Lupron injection ever, since I somehow never had Lupron in my IVF stim protocols. It looks like it will be a miniscule dose, 10 units at first and then down to 5 units, it almost doesn't seem worth the needle stick. I'm sure the injections won't be bad and I'll fall right back into the habit of sticking my belly.

In more festive news, we once again managed to find a magnificently fat Noble fir to be our Jew Tree this year. This baby was over 10 feet with the stand and I actually had to trim the tall top to stand it up. We decked it out per usual in blue and white lights and I seriously considered sticking some IVF ornaments on there, but ultimately didn't want to give anything away to visitors. Once we got it all set up and decorated, my sister posed most artfully like a little mermaid, with Milou in perfect position wearing her scarf. I attempted to pose for a couple photos, trying to minimize my still massive belly but had little luck. Milou's photo bomb is pretty adorable though, she recognizes my iPhone and knows to smile when it's pointed at her.

 

I didn't have much luck on the floor either courtesy of a Cillian photo bomb so I gave it up as a bad job. At least my Harry Potter Daily Prophet leggings were fabulous, I think I might wear them again tomorrow to my appointment. I will probably have one more pre-cycle appointment (read: not included in the base fee, of course) before I start the Estrace. If all goes well, give or take a few days, we should be on track for a January 16th transfer!

Happy Holidays everyone. My dearest wish for this holiday season is that this be the last Hanukkah/Christmas E and I spend without children. Come this time next year, I want to be holding our long awaited Frostie A as a healthy baby. This transfer IS going to work!

TWO BABIES To Be Thankful For!

We got our results a day early! We have TWO HEALTHY EMBRYOS! TWO!

We followed statistics for my mutation transmission almost exactly. We had a 50/50 shot of the embryos being healthy and we sent in 6 embryos. 3 of the 6 tested were mutation free, but unfortunately one of those 3 had a tiny chromosomal deletion. I asked if there was any way this frostie might still be viable but Dr. D said that with deletions like this, there are usually other segments or things missing as well. This makes me so grateful we decided to add on the PGS, without it we wouldn't have found out that this frostie is sick and would have had a heartbreaking miscarriage or worse, might have had to terminate for defects incompatible with life.

I'm so relieved, I feel like I'm going to cry and possibly be sick at the same time. We still have a long way to go, these babies need to stick! but we're so much closer to actually holding a healthy baby. After seeing so many of these cycles yield nothing to transfer, I'm so, so happy we have healthy babies to transfer.

We are all made of stars

Dr. D needs to confirm it, but it looks like one embryo came from our first batch and one from the second. They're both hatching blasts and although Dr. D told us the genders, we've decided to keep it a surprise. We'd really like at least one thing to be normal about our pregnancy process and since nothing else has been, this is going to be it.

After getting the good news, I asked Dr. D whether he thought we should proceed with our frozen transfer or whether he thought we needed to cycle again and try to get more embryos. They usually say (without PGS) that you need 2-3 embryos per child you'd like to have, and since E and I would love 2-3, but would be happy with any at this point, I knew with only 2/6 that we might need to cycle again. As I've said before, we don't know how quickly my fertility is going downhill but we definitely know it is going. I was ready to hear that we'd need to do this whole process again but Dr. D feels that with my age, if we need IVF again in the near future I should still be young enough to produce some good eggs. I'm not sure if I agree because FXPOI complicates things in ways not reflected by age but I'm going with it.

We have so much to be thankful for this year that I'm overwhelmed thinking about it all. I'm thankful for E and our friendship and marriage, going through this is incredibly difficult and I think it's amazing that we've been able to stay strong and united. I'm thankful for all our friends and family members, who have been incredibly supportive and have helped us stay sane thus far, especially through all the mind numbing waiting. I'm thankful for Dr. D and SCRC for helping us get these two embryos, who with any luck will both be coming home with us as two healthy babies. I'm thankful for IVF and especially for PGD, I'm so grateful that we live in a time where we have the tools and technology to create and screen embryos for so many horrible diseases. And I'm so, so thankful for the two healthy embryos, our two little fighters, who for the first time have given us a real shot at a healthy family.

With a whole lot of hope, wishing, crossed fingers, science and love, we will have a healthy baby in our arms this time next year.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope you have a wonderful holiday with all of your loved ones.

Christmas Delays?!?!

Originally, I was planning on putting an embryo back straight away after this IVF cycle. I psyched myself all up for a November transfer and told myself I'd have good news for the holidays. I was ready to go, let's get this embryo toasty warm in my uterus!

Then, Dr. D put the kibosh on that. He said I've been injecting waaay too much medication into my body, two months in a row, and that wouldn't make for the most ideal environment for our embryo. Damn. He suggested that we take a wash cycle, wait for the drugs to really leave my system and start fresh with a nice, fresh cycle. Okay, I don't love the idea of waiting yet another month, but I would never do anything to jeopardize the success of my frosties so I got on board. One wash cycle to get everything out and THEN we'd thaw out a frostie and put it back.

With a regular cycle, it's pretty easy to plan when things should be happening. With this period showing up right on time I was pretty much positive that we'd be doing our transfer shortly after Christmas, probably sometime around the 28th if Dr. D really planned on transferring on CD 17. I've heard some people transfer later, closer to CD 20 or 22 but Dr. D said CD 17 so that's what I went with. I psyched myself up again for a Christmas transfer told myself I'd have wonderful news around January 9th. A September baby would be wonderful, right before the holidays really started to pick up.

I was reading through my IVF support group, reminding myself to practice patience when I read about some clinics closing for the holidays and delaying treatments. This should have been obvious, of course they'd want to go on holiday, but my clinic couldn't be closing because I'm transferring right after Christmas, right?  Right??

Nooooooo!!!

I got on the phone to Dr. D's nurse and asked them about their Christmas schedule. Bam, my worst fears were confirmed. They usually close for two weeks spanning the end of December to the beginning of January. Fuck. Right over when I was supposed to be doing my transfer. Double Fuck.

I explained to the nurse that I was supposed to be transferring over that time period and wasn't expecting my period to start until December 12th. She elaborated that the ART center closes completely for those two weeks but there's still a crew on the clinic side. The last day for most things is December 18th and there are only certain days after that where they can perform specific procedures. This is probably for those people who need to stim longer than expected and need their retrieval done over those two weeks, not for people who are looking to transfer a frozen embryo that's perfectly happy waiting on ice.

She told me to call with the first day of my period and we would see how things look then but it looks like we'll be delayed yet another month. I was just getting used to the idea of taking one month off and now we have to take two. I told my acupuncturist S how disappointed I was and she said that success rates are lower around Christmas because people are stressed out so I wouldn't want to transfer then anyway, but I'm pretty sure she was just trying to make me feel better. I don't see out of town family members or deal with a lot of family drama over Christmas so I'm fairly certain that my chances wouldn't be any lower just because it's the holidays.  My frostie certainly doesn't know it's Christmas.

All I want for Christmas is a batch of healthy embryos! One in my belly and the rest on ice.

If we have to wait two months, we won't get to transfer until the end of January, probably around the 25th. This means that I would potentially be getting good (because I refuse to believe otherwise) news on my birthday. It would be a wonderful birthday gift but I'm so anxious to get an embryo back where it belongs. This process takes so long and every month more feels like forever.

News To Be Thankful For?

I still haven't heard back from H, the financial person at Reprogenetics, so I shot an email off to my Reprogenetics genetic counselor D to see if she could give me an update. H is usually really good about getting back to me, she must be on vacation or out of the office because she's never had me wait more than a couple days. I know they won't release my results until they're paid so she's going to have to get back to me eventually to get my credit card.

Lucky for me, D is in the office and she got back to me pretty much right away. I asked her to confirm that she'd received the samples since I had only heard from Dr. D about that, and asking whether testing had begun because we can't wait for some good news.

The message I got back basically said:

I know the waiting is hard. We've started testing,  it will take the full 15 days. You'll know on 11/27.

I know Garfield. I know.

For those who didn't catch that bit at the end, 11/27 is Thanksgiving. When we will have all sorts of people in the house. We will be getting either really good news or really bad news with a house full of people. The waiting is so tough,  I can't wait to find out, but this is not how I wanted to do it.

Plus, I'm sure Dr. D won't be working on Thanksgiving. If he's not in the office, we don't get our results. Reprogenetics is sending them directly to Dr. D not to us, since the sensitive information should be explained by a doctor yadda yadda. I'd honestly rather they just email them so I don't have to talk to anyone if the results are bad but that isn't an option.

E and I wanted time to ourselves to process and deal with the results. We didn't want to share them with the few family members who know, especially if they're not good, until we'd digested them and figured out our next move. Honestly we really wish they didn't know the testing was going on since their questions/expectations/hopes/certainty really make us feel worse and not better. I don't think they realize how difficult the process is, how often people end up with no healthy embryos to transfer. Even with 6 to test, we could very easily have no healthies and their certainty that all our embryos will be healthy and everything will be roses and sunshine feels shallow.

Maybe we'll get lucky and we'll get wonderful news early. I'm still hopeful that our embryos will be healthy, that we'll have 6 frosty babies to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. But it would be really nice if we could get our results without an audience.