8 Weeks - Heard Bean's Heartbeat!

This morning we had the absolutely exquisit pleasure of hearing little bean's heartbeat for the first time. It was such a beautiful sound, thumping away, beatbeatbeatbeatbeat like a strong, steady drum. I can't stop listening to it, I need to take a longer video of it next time so I can listen on repeat.

8 week little bean! Not a great photo but still adorable

The downside of the appointment is that we really didn't love the doctor we met with. She's not on my schedule for any other appointments so I'm hoping she was just the ultrasound dating person and not one we're going to have to see again. She argued with me about how far along I am, didn't seem to understand basic post IVF medication (estrogen and progesterone are pretty much standard), wasn't going to look for my SCH even though I told her I had one and more importantly didn't seem to understand PGD/PGS. I introduced myself, explained that this was an IVF/PGD/PGS pregnancy, these are the medications I'm on etc. And she's like oh....I see here you're a FX carrier? You know you could pass that on to boys....and E and I looked at each other like WTF? Is this lady for real? I explained again that yes, I knew I was a carrier since I JUST said we did PGD/PGS and that I was aware my mutation could be passed on to both boys AND girls HENCE THE PGD. Then she asked if I had seen the genetic counselor to talk about passing on my mutation. OMFG.

She was nice and thorough otherwise, I just don't think she has any idea what PGD/PGS is or she wasn't listening when I tried to explain what we'd done. It was disconcerting and we definitely don't want to see her again. We worked way too hard to get this baby to continue care with someone who doesn't understand everything involved.

Mama Mobile

As part of everything falling into place for this little bean to become our take home baby, E and I have finally upgraded my Jetta, Sydney, to an absolutely fantabulous mama mobile! We're a bit crazy so we actually got her just before we transferred, in anticipation of our little bean sticking. Thank goodness they did! So, baby's first official gift is a safe ride home, a 2009 Toyota Highlander Hybrid Limited with three lovely rows. I usually name my cars but I'm still getting to know her and right now she's mostly being called "Shiny" as in "What a nice shiny!".

While we were originally looking at slightly newer Highlanders, as well as the Subaru Outback, Honda CRV and Pilot and the Mazda CX7 and CX9, Shiny sort of fell into our laps. One of our family friends, P, who had been ill for some time passed away and the person who was going to be buying Shiny had to back out. This left her up for grabs and when P's wife offered her to us, we jumped at the chance to try her out. A hybrid had definitely been outside our price range and although she's an older Hybrid and newer gas models get fairly comparable gas mileage, we both really liked the green factor and low emissions.

Our top priorities for a new car mostly focused around family friendliness. We wanted three rows so that I can transport people and Milou at the same time. A back seat large enough for rear facing car seats without having to move the front seats all the way up. When we're not using the third row, we wanted a nice big trunk to hold all the things I cart around on a daily basis as well as the occasional IKEA purchase and soon, a stroller. It had to get decent gas mileage, not be too big to park, preferably have leather for ease of cleaning and above all be safe and not too expensive. I'll admit that Sydney is quite the fancy, sporty girl and because of that I have gotten used to certain "standards." She's luxurious with lovely extras like butt warmers, steering wheel controls, automatic climate control and a fabulous sunroof. These things definitely weren't necessities, but they would be nice to have.

Shiny met and exceeded all of our expectations with ease, even if she's a little older and has more miles than we were originally looking for.  She has three rows with a very respectable trunk when the third is down. Her back seat is super spacious and roomy, it can easily accommodate tall people and car seats, and it has second row air conditioning to keep our passengers and soon to be baby comfortable. Since she has the Limited package, she has all leather interior and power everything including a gorgeous sun roof, back up camera, GPS, bluetooth, and just about every extra you could have added. The trunk even opens and closes automatically which is a cool trick that hasn't gotten old. After driving her for a month, I'm starting to get the hang of parking her and even in traffic conditioners not ideal for a hybrid, she's getting pretty good mileage for an SUV. All in all, I'm absolutely smitten with her and can't wait to bring home baby in her roomy, safe back seat.

7 weeks 2 days - Second Ultrasound

Eeeee, this weeks ultrasound actually resembles a tiny person! I think I can even see the hint of a face there,  little bean is looking at us with their face turned slightly towards our right. Their heart was fluttering away, I think the tech said 148bpm, but it's still too early to hear it out loud. If we're lucky, we should be able to hear it next week at our first Kaiser ultrasound.

Everything is looking really good thus far but I do have a tiny SCH to the right of the baby. Both the doctor and tech said it's really small and not anything to worry about, they're super common with IVF and I haven't had any spotting or bleeding. I'm already taking things really easy since I'm nauseous all day long and not up for anything, but they told me to take it even easier if possible.

As far as symptoms go, thus far the biggest challenge has probably been the morning sickness. I'm still having difficulty keeping down my Estrace, prenatal, aspirin and probiotic in the morning but Dr. D isn't overly concerned because my body seems to be making a good amount of estrogen on its own. Every time I find myself hugging the toilet, my first thought is always that I'm so grateful to be pregnant. It's a totally weird paradox to feel so miserable and grateful at the same time, I may be puking up this slice of toast/banana/random bland food but it's because little bean is doing everything right and growing strong.

Along with the morning sickness I've got the ever present crazy sore boobs and extreme bloating. My belly is so large that I can't hide it in regular clothing, for only being 7 weeks it sure looks a lot more like 7 months! It has me wondering whether the bloating will go down before the baby starts to legitimately bump or if there will just be a seamless transition between bloaty belly and baby belly. I don't mind either way, it's just leading to some awkward looks from people thankfully too polite to say anything about my massive tum. I'm not sure how long I can pass our little bean off as tacos lol.

Over Achiever on Board!

We had our wonderful ultrasound yesterday and we officially have one over achiever on board! And a tired, slightly nauseous mama lol. Our little bean is growing right on time, they correctly measured 6 weeks 1 day yesterday which is fabulous and much to my amazed surprise, we actually saw a tiny heart beating away!

Everything looked good, the sac, yolk sac, fetal pole and tiny flickering heart. Now that we've seen a heart beat, even though it's only 6 weeks, Dr. D says that our miscarriage risk has dropped to 5%. It felt great to hear him say that but the anxiety is still there. Our next check in will probably be next week and I think I'm going to ask E to video the screen so I can peak back at that heartbeat whenever I want to.

Hi little bean :)

I hope one little bean means an easy, healthy pregnancy. I'm feeling a good deal of queasiness but haven't thrown up so I consider that a win. The bloating is also getting even more noticeable, even from last week to this week. Our embie is still tucked way behind my pubic bone but with all the progesterone I'm shoving up my girly bits, my stomach is huuuuuuge. I'm already getting looks from people side-eying my belly but my lips are sealed, we're planning to keep things under wraps for quite some time. I don't think we'll be announcing even a hint until after all our genetic testing and our anatomy scan at 20 weeks.

21dp5/6dt - Cold

Hack. Cough. Snot. Sneeze.

This pregnancy cold is kicking my ass. I had an acupuncture session yesterday and was warned that it would make things worse before they got better but wow did they get bad. Itchy, sore throat, running and stuffy nose, headache from sinus pressure, sneezing and coughing from post nasal drip. It was miserable. Although I should change my official title to snot factory, I am doing a lot better today and I'm hoping that acupuncture at least helped shorten the duration of the cold. S told me that pregnancy colds can last twice as long and when Dr. D called to discuss our next appointment, he cheerfully apologized and told me that viruses love pregnant women!

Your immune system changes while pregnant to prevent your body from attacking the embryo, technically a foreign "other" hanging out in your uterus. This might as well paint a great big target on your back for even the weakest and most punny viruses to come have a go. I'm not even sure where I picked up the virus, as everyone I spend time with is still perfectly healthy. No, this virus is allllll for me.

Since I'm officially preggo and in the most delicate time period, I'm not allowed to take anything for a cold. To try and make things less miserable, I've been breaking out every pregnancy safe natural remedy I can think of to reduce symptoms.

• Gargling - This is pretty much the most effective thing you can do for a sore throat. Mine is both itchy and sore and I've been alternating gargling hot water mixed with a splash of sea salt or apple cider vinegar. The vinegar is particularly unsavory, especially if you're already sensitive to odors, but it does help. I do this as needed, depending on how bad it is the gargling usually relieves symptoms for a couple of hours and I have to do it before bed or the itching keeps me up.
• Neti Pot - Now that my nose is a constant plugged/leaking faucet, this thing has been a lifesaver. It washes so much crap out of my nose that it's unbelievable and really helps me breathe. I've been using it a few times a day and especially before bed so I can get to sleep.
• Cough drops - S is really strict about medications including cough drops but she did say I could suck on pure menthol ones when my throat gets really bad. I definitely needed them yesterday when my throat was at its itchiest and I just wanted to stick a fork down there.
• Humidifier - I didn't use one the first day and sincerely regretted it when I couldn't get to sleep until after 3am because my throat was so sore and itchy. Since then I've had it running constantly with some menthol vapor that really soothes my nose and throat. I'm keeping it handy from now on, no going back into storage. 
• Tea and Soup - pretty much the only things that don't feel awful to swallow are tea and soup. E has kept me going with a constant supply of hot herbal tea and matzo ball soup and I am so, so grateful. Add a splash of lemon to the tea to cut the mucous and a little bit of honey to coat your throat and that's pretty much the best you can do. 

I'm crossing everything that this cold moves on swiftly and doesn't come back anytime soon. I really don't want my body under any stress while our little embie's organs are vulnerable and developing. I'm also coming up on the time when morning sickness usually starts and I can't imagine barfing with my throat already this sore. Hopefully any future illnesses can hold off until at least the second trimester when our little one is more developed.

19dp5/6dt - Happy Mother's Day

(source)

 Happy Mother's Day to all the mamas, soon to be mamas, pet mamas and future will be mamas!

Unfortunately for me, I started off my first soon to be mamas day with what is probably a cold. I can't figure out whether it's a regular cold (pregnancy suppresses the immune system) or just pregnancy expanding all my vessels which produces more mucous. I've got a killer sore throat so I'm thinking I might have some sort of post nasal drip thing going on and irritating it. Instead of going out to dinner tonight like we'd planned, E picked up some Matzo Ball soup for me which I ate before falling asleep on his arm and stomach. I'm pretty sure I drooled all over him, my nose started to plug up and I was sleeping with my mouth open, but he didn't move and let me sleep for a good two hours. I seriously love that man.

Since I'm pregnant I can't take anything for a cold. It's not fun, but honestly this is one cold I'm more than happy to just suffer through, I'm not willing to do anything that might damage our fragile embryo during such an important part of development. I can get some decent relief gargling hot water with a little apple cider vinegar but I made the last batch too strong and ended up gagging which was no fun. It works pretty well for at least an hour but I'm not sure I can pull it off with a more sensitive palate. 

In better news, I got a voice mail from the clinic confirming that they want to do my ultrasound at 6 weeks. I was thinking they'd wait for 6 weeks and a few days since we're more likely to see a heartbeat on the 18th at 6 weeks and 4 days but their message said 6 weeks exactly. I'm planning on giving them a call tomorrow and see if I can't get an appointment date so we have something concrete to wait for.

18dp5/6dt - Up, Up and Away!

Yes! I successfully had my labs run at Kaiser this morning and it didn't cost me $300! I'm so glad we were able to get them ordered in time, although it turns out they accidentally got put in as routine instead of STAT. The lab was able to get the HCG back today since they run that on location, but my estrogen and progesterone had to be sent out to their main lab about 30 min away. Considering that they don't do pick up until 12:30 and tomorrow is a Sunday, I think it's unlikely that we'll have those numbers before Monday. I'm not super concerned about it since those hormones are pretty much set by the 4mg Estradiol and 200mg Endometrin I'm taking each day.


 So, at 18dpt or 23dpo my HCG is an impressive 13,024! Going back to betabase.info:

For a singleton pregnancy, we're still on the chart but getting even higher. Only 5.3% of singleton pregnancies reported have an HCG about equal or higher to mine at 23dpo. 

For a twin pregnancy, we're in the high average. 34.6% of twin pregnancies have an HCG about equal or higher. We're actually at the high end of the average group too, another 700 points and and we'd be in the 9.8% of reported twin pregnancies with betas over 13,723 today. That's really only the difference between a morning and afternoon beta.

My doubling time is also still really fast. Usually things have started to slow down just a little bit by 5 weeks but my body clearly didn't get the memo.

At 40 hours, only 14% of reported single pregnancies have a doubling time equal or faster while 52% of reported twin pregnancies have an equal or faster rate.

I know it's entirely pointless to speculate about 1 or 2 at this point, but our ultrasound isn't for another 9 or 10 days and that's a long time to be left wondering. We put in one embryo with the hope that we'd get one baby, the idea that there could potentially be two in there has got us all thrown off. E has always teased me that the only way we'd have three children would be if we had one set of twins. I had thought that option was lost to us, at least without another round of IVF  and assuming we could have any at all, and the idea that the universe might be orchestrating some twins for us after all is wonderful.

16dp5/6dt - Mourning for a Friend

Today, I am mourning for a friend. In an incredibly cruel twist of fate, one of my best friends lost her seemingly healthy baby at almost 14 weeks. With 12 weeks usually regarded as the safe zone, it caught everyone completely off guard. Her previous pregnancies were healthy, all previous appointments had been fine, there was no warning or reasoning - just a fluke occurrence that no one could have prevented. 

Growing new life is such a fragile thing. An incredibly complex process where so many things can go wrong, it's amazing that any of us are here. Even when development looks smooth, one foot can slide out of place and the entire dance is lost. Her loss is a sobering reminder that anything can happen. I hope she and her family are able to get some answers, grieve and heal. 

E and I are still so early in our process that it's difficult to accept it and believe that everything is alright. I look at the birth boards and groups I should be joining for January babies and it looks like a different world - a place were people get pregnant easily, where genetic carriers and IVF/PGD don't exist, where all pregnancies yield a healthy baby.  I don't belong there. I still expect to walk into the ultrasound and see empty sacs or have someone jump out and say "just kidding!".  

The anxiety has been tough lately, throwing me off because I'm not usually an anxious person, and I know I need to work harder on living "today". Anything can happen tomorrow, we could have a healthy baby or babies, empty sacs, a miscarriage at 14 weeks - but today I AM pregnant. Two lines keep showing up every morning, even when the test is a crappy one (I'm looking at you 15dp6dt test - damn your crappy dye lot!). 

Today I am exactly 5 weeks pregnant. According to the www.ivf.ca calculator, cardiac contractions should have begun yesterday in our teeny tiny embryo(s). As long as everything is going okay in there, we should be able to see a heart beat around the 18th. I can't wait to see that tiny flicker. 

15dp5/6dt - Am I Pregnant Today?

This morning, I slept in an extra hour and 45 minutes. I took a test, because I do every morning now, and the test line had somewhat crappy dye uptake. I ate left overs for breakfast, ate a real lunch and tried to snack all day long. I still had heartburn, I don't think I can do anything else about that, but I wasn't starving and I didn't get super exhausted.

Most people would say that's an improvement, a good day because I stayed ahead of things and felt pretty good. For me, with infertility PTSD, my first instinct is to assume there's something wrong.

What if my pregnancy is a chemical?

What if there were two and I'm losing one?

What if my HCG is too high and it's a molar pregnancy? 

What if I'm not pregnant anymore?

After everything we've been through, even with no real supportive evidence, I can't help but assume that something is/will go wrong. I don't know how to relax or how to believe that I'm really pregnant and this worked. How to accept that crappy dye uptake on a STILL POSITIVE pregnancy test could mean anything other than the test is cheap. What kind of crazy person assumes that they've lost a pregnancy because they're not super exhausted that day? It couldn't possibly be the almost 2 extra hours of sleep I got, nooooo. There must be something wrong.

I don't know when this anxiety goes away. When we make it past 12 weeks? When we make it to viability? When I actually have them safely in my arms? Will it ever go away or will it follow me into motherhood, sneaking up in the middle of the night, telling me to check my child(ren)'s breathing? Infertility has been our reality for so long, it colors everything I do.

I'm trying to take things one day at a time. I wish I could look through a peep hole into my uterus to to make sure everything is okay in there. I don't think I can wait 2 more weeks for an ultrasound to see if there are actually bab(ies) in there or if this has all been some sort of cruel joke.

12dp5/6dt - Early Pregnancy Symptoms

Our trip to San Diego is winding down and I'm chilling in the hotel lobby since we had to check out of our room for the next guest. I was walking around the Gaslamp district, window shopping and sampling delicious snacks when the exhaustion hit and my body decided it's time for a nap.

I know I'm only like 2 seconds along but I have to say the pregnancy symptoms are real. Early first trimester ladies, I believe you.  Whatever combination of HCG, progesterone and estrogen that is currently marinating my brain is enough to make a noticeable difference in daily life. Far from finding it annoying, I'm actually relishing each little symptom that reminds me we really have a little embryo in there. They're real :)

Now since I've never been pregnant naturally, I don't know how much of the noticeable stuff is due to the embryo and HCG and how much is a side effect of the progesterone. 

The biggie for me is fatigue. After walking around or doing anything, I need a nap. I'm peeing all the time, which isn't too far out of the norm, and I'm noticing a little queasiness, heartburn and some burpy-ness when I wait too long to eat. I'm also crazy hungry, especially in the mornings when I don't usually like to eat.  My belly is still massive, but that's definitely the progesterone since our embie is still tucked behind my pubic bone. The weirdest is probably a little pregnancy brain. This one I really didn't believe, but I'm having little moments where I forget something stupid that I'd never forget. Those are the most obnoxious because I'm not a forgetful person and I really don't want to be. 

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As it turns out, I was too tired to actually post this earlier, oops. Now we're back home, safe and sound, and I'll admit that the first thing I did when I walked through the door was pee on a stick.

Thank goodness it's still positive. I didn't have any tests with me in San Diego and it was killing me to not know what was going on in there and if my HCG is still going up. Tomorrow morning is our second beta and with that line getting darker, I have my hopes up that our number will be good. Betas double ever 48-72 hours so our number should come back at least 800.  I hope our little over achiever is doing their stuff!

10dp5/6dt - First Beta!

E and I went in for our first beta this morning! It was really quick, although it's usually busy on Fridays, the place was practically empty and there was no line for labs. We hopped on the road shortly thereafter and headed for San Diego with our nurse's promise that we'd get called with the beta results by the afternoon.

We were waiting and waiting and it was sometime after I'd made E stop so I could pee that we finally got the call.

Our first beta is positive! My HCG is 400!

I was hoping for/expecting a positive beta given our home tests, but 400 completely blew me away. So many of my fellow IVF/FET ladies have numbers around 100-200 so I was definitely not expecting 400. Wow, we clearly have a little over achiever nice and cozy in there.

Our next beta is Monday since we'll still be out of town on Sunday. Dr. D wasn't concerned about the extra day, he said they often worry when a first beta comes in at 20 or 30, but at 400 he expects things to progress well. We'll confirm doubling time on Monday and then, fingers crossed, have our first ultrasound two weeks later. Each step is like a weight off my shoulders, another positive sign that our little embie is sticking things out. And as a bonus, if all looks good and my estrogen and progesterone are holding up well at our ultrasound, they can start weaning me off the Estrace and Endometrin early!

Now that it's evening and the positive is soaking in, E has gone off to work the game and I'm settled comfortably into our hotel. They upgraded us from a standard room to a one bedroom suite so I have my pick of the bed, two arm chairs or a large, squishy couch. It's a good thing too, I haven't done much today but I think I could use a nap.

View from the couch :)

And before I forget, I gave the CozyFolk liner a try today and it is so, so comfortable. I don't know how the edges would hold up to blood, but they're so soft and just blend right in to your undies. Definite thumbs up.

9dp5/6dt - Still two lines!

I tested again this morning with another crappy old cheapie since the tests that bestie mailed still haven't arrived. One package has literally been sitting and collecting dust in my local FedEx office but they won't let me go pick it up. Super annoyed with FedEx right now. Even though yesterdays tests were positive, I think I held my breath from the appearance of the control line to the moment the second line popped up. It still feels surreal, though I'm doing my best to enjoy it in the here and now.

The lines look purple because I took the photo after the tests were dry. I think the lines are getting darker!

I also received my cloth pad order from Cozy Folk! I took a chance and ordered a couple postpartum/overnight sized pads along with my liners, telling myself that I could always use them just as overnight pads. If all continues to go well, I'll actually get to use them postpartum :) I bought two 14" heavies and two 12" moderates. The colors and patterns are super bright and adorable but her design is something I've never seen before!

Two 14" on the left, two 12" on the right

I'm not sure if you can tell because I snapped these photos quickly but her pads are backed in Wind Pro fleece with a raw edge. The backing extends past the core as it does in most pads, but instead of continuing the absorbent top material to the edge, she finishes the top fabric edges a couple cms in from the backing edges. I think this is done to prevent leaking off the edge, the backing fabric is water resistant so it won't absorb any liquid, although the single layer around the edges feels somewhat flimsy and floppy compared to the double layers on other pads. In theory, I think liquid will bead and head towards the core and the soft edges will probably be pretty comfortable.

For liners, I decided to try minky, which is especially stain resistant, because I ordered them before I started the Endometrin. I think they'll be just fine and comfy but my plain cotton topped liners have actually been the best for Endometrin thus far. As it dissolves, the pill comes out as a sort of chalky, powdery paste that gets caught in the fibers of longer fabrics but rinses easily off plain, flat cotton. I actually prefer the flannel for my period, but thus far the smooth cotton fabrics win for suppositories. I'll have to see how the minky does tomorrow.

Sorry for the crappy photo!

More importantly, tomorrow is my first official beta! I've been trying to keep my mind off of it so I stay relaxed but it's much easier said than done. I'm not really nervous, but I feel like I'm filled with restless energy. I keep sitting down and then popping back up and I can't seem to settle down.  Unfortunately, walking around a lot seems to give me more little cramps so I feel reluctant to get it out by taking the dog for a walk or something similar.  I might try packing since E and I are heading to San Diego for a couple days for E's work. I'm hoping relaxing in the hotel will be a nice distraction to waiting for my levels to rise for the next anticipated beta on Monday. Or I could end up pacing the room, sitting down and popping back up just like I'm doing here. When does it stop? When my betas rise correctly? When we see a heartbeat? When we get to 12 weeks? When do I relax, or do you never really relax after IVF?

8dp5/6dt - I DID A THING

AHHHHH!!  Do you see it?? These tests are super expired, and it's really, really early, today would only be 3 weeks 6 days, but I see a line on all three tests! We have to keep our cool, it's so early and my betas aren't until Friday and Monday so we won't even know if my HCG levels are high enough to be a viable baby. I've just never had a positive pregnancy test before!

I know at this point that it could be a chemical or an ectopic or any number of other things but for right now, in this moment, I think I'm pregnant! And if that wasn't enough, the doorbell rang and it was a gorgeous bouquet of red roses from one of my besties who knew I was having trouble getting through the two week wait. 

She included a really sweet card and that just about did me in, my hormones can't take this kind of sweetness when I'm this full of emotion already. I couldn't even call her to say thank you, by the time I got my myself together I was at Milou's class where no one knows what we're doing, so I had to text her. She also put some pregnancy tests in the mail for me and they will hopefully arrive tomorrow. That way I have more sticks to pee on before the beta so I can make myself wonderfully crazy over how dark the line is. In the meantime I'm both elated and exhausted, with a healthy dose of sharp little cramps thrown in to remind me that my embie baby is in there doing stuff. 

I can't believe this is really happening. After everything, our embryo is actually sticking!

7dp5/6dt - Spotting Vanished!

Yesterday, even though I know it's normal, the pink spotting was really freaking me the fuck out. It finally, mercifully, stopped after a little over an hour, and I haven't seen even the tiniest trace of it since although I'm still holding my breath every time I pee. I know logically that since it was pink, it was probably from my cervix which has to be supremely pissed off from all the progesterone I've been shoving up there.

The blood was also somewhat streaky, meaning there's a good chance it could be implantation bleeding, a small bleed from the embryo burrowing into the uterine lining and shoving some aside as it gets cozy. You usually get implantation bleeding about 10-14 days after conception, although it's a little different with IVF. I got my spotting 12 days after ovulation, which fits perfectly into that window had we conceived naturally, 6 days after we put our embryo back. If it is implantation bleeding, it could also have been from a couple days before and it just took a little while to make it's way out.

I wasn't going to post a photo because Ewww but then while I was googling implantation bleeding photos for several hours last night I found myself increasingly frustrated that more people hadn't posted their own gross photos. How could I compare my spotting if no one shared theirs?? Did my spotting look normal? Did someone else experience the same thing and have a healthy baby in there? I needed answers! The few people who did post photos, usually on message boards, didn't update the same thread with the outcome which was incredibly obnoxious. So, I decided after much thought to go ahead and post my photo, for the next person out there googling implantation bleeding and freaking out. I promise you I'll update when it turns out that this was implantation bleeding and I have a healthy little fighter in there.

Still, it is a little TMI for many people, so I'm going to post it after the jump so no one gets their sensibilities offended. If you don't want to see blood on a tissue, DO NOT proceed.

6dp5/6dt - Spotting and Cramping

Today, on my way home from acupuncture, I started to experience some mild cramping. It isn't awful but it is more cramping than I've had this whole cycle. I was hoping it was just uterine growing pains until I got home, peed, and noticed pink spotting.

I freaked out, wiped again, and to my great dismay, there was more. I know spotting is extremely common, some crazy high number like 90% of women on vaginal progesterone experience spotting, but that doesn't make it less scary. My only consolation is that the spotting was definitely pink, which is most often implantation spotting or cervical bleeding, usually due to irritation from the Endometrin. Brown spotting is old blood, not worrying, and red blood is obviously concerning since it's usually a period, miscarriage or sub-chronic hematoma.

As long as the bleeding doesn't turn red, I think we're still in the game. My beta isn't until the end of the week and it's only Monday, my nerves might not last until then if this keeps up. I'm hoping with everything that this is implantation bleeding and cramping from our embryo getting good and cozy and not my period trying to break through.

Please, please stick baby. Please, please, please! I'm back in bed drinking tons of water per my acupuncturist and am going to have to take it easy for the rest of the week. Come on baby, you have to stick!

4dp5/6dt - Out of the house

After four days at home, I finally journeyed outside the house today! I went to work at a client's house for a few hours, so not super exciting but still something interesting. It wasn't bad, but my tummy did start to feel tender and kind of sensitive towards the end - it's not in my stomach like a digestive upset, but in my physical belly. I don't want things touching it or pressing against it.

That brings our progesterone symptoms to:

• Tender, sensitive tummy
• Twinges, pokes and little cramps
• Minor hormonalness
• Hunger, I wake up hungry every morning
• Thirst
• Major bloating, my belly is huuuuuge
• Heartburn?

There are probably a few I'm not thinking of since I'm pretty tired, (haha I should add exhaustion to the list) but none are coming to mind at the moment. I'm going to try another little outing tomorrow, some walking around for a couple hours, and see how that goes. Our little embryo should be nice and cozy now and I'm still on the fence about whether I should test early or not. If I test early and it's negative, that will be devastating, but  if  when it's positive I will get to see a positive pregnancy test for the first time ever. It's a tough call.

3dp5/6dt - Crazy Cady Lady

Today, Cillian has been downright obsessed with my belly. He wants to lay on it, kneed it, nuzzle it and sleep on it all day long. He's not an aloof kitty by any means but he doesn't usually spend his days with me when there is sunshine to sleep in and kitty siblings to play with. Even Soximus Prime has been belly obsessed, he climbed onto my belly while I was trying to pee and went to sleep! So naturally, instead of assuming it's because my belly is especially squishy, warm and tempting from the progesterone, it gets me wondering: can cats smell early pregnancy hormones?

Oh, you wanted to pee? No, I don't think so, I'm sleeping here

Unfortunately, Pubmed doesn't seem to have a lot of information on feline recognition of early pregnancy factor, an immunosuppressant produced after conception and later by the implanted embryo. Nor is there a lot of information on feline recognition of HCG, the hormone produced after implantation. Still! If dogs and cats can smell high and low blood sugar on the breath, cancer in urine samples, or sense electrical impulses, I'm sure they can smell the hormone changes associated with pregnancy.

Although it's only been a few days and my belly is super squishy and tempting, I'm gonna choose to believe that our embie has implanted nice and secure and our fuzzies are sensing the changes. Maybe they're smelling some rising HCG levels!

2dp5/6dt - Antsy Already

Today I am still sitting in bed. Sitting and trying to distract myself from thoughts of embryos and implantation with cheesy cable movies and HGTV reruns. Every so often, between episodes of House Hunters and You've Got Mail, I try one of those visualization techniques where I picture the embryo implanting and establishing a good blood supply. Burrow in deep little embie.

Right now, there's hopefully a whole combination of things going on to adhere our embie to my uterine wall. The first step, the attachment, occurs when the outer cells of our blast attach to my endometrium, or the first layers of the uterine lining sometime around 6-10 days after ovulation. The lining sort of swells up to meet the embryo and the embryo coasts down the uterine wall to the best spot. Once they're adhered in place, the embie releases enzymes that break down the the cells of my lining to let the embie into my uterine wall where they'll begin exchanging hormones and start the early development of the placenta.

(Source)

A lot of women have pink or brown spotting around this time that they usually refer to as implantation bleeding. Sometimes that makes sense if it's 6-10 days after ovulation, but other times it doesn't really line up which makes me think it could also be cervical irritation from the vaginal progesterone so many IVF patients are on. I haven't had any spotting yet but believe me, I'm looking out for it just in case. We're right in that implantation window and with all the twinges and tiny cramps I'm feeling, I'd love some insight as to what's going on in there!

1dp5/6dt - R&R

Today is the first day after our transfer or 1 day post 5 day transfer. After transfer I received two sets of instructions - one from Dr. D and one from my acupuncturist S. Dr. D recommends 48 hours of bed rest post transfer, not super strict but definitely stay home and chill in bed. S's advice was actually more cautious, she wants her patients to have 4 full days off during which they're supposed to stay home and relax. For me, not only does this mean I'm home in bed, it also means Milou misses both of her classes and her vet appointment. Poor little lady, but there isn't anything I wouldn't do to help this embie stick.

I was feeling pretty normal for progesterone, hungry, bloated and almost a little crampy, until this afternoon when something randomly upset my stomach. I have no idea what it was, I'm not on any new medication nor have I eaten anything different, but I was stuck in the bathroom feeling miserable for an hour. I'm really hoping my embie is still nice and safe in there, in theory an upset stomach shouldn't effect them but I still worry. It's probably just the hormones and the juice I drank with a little anxiety mixed in.

In good news, I'm happy to report that my cloth pantyliners are holding up spectacularly to the Endometrin. I was worried it would stain them because it dissolves into a chalky paste but each one has washed completely clean on the first water rinse. I haven't had to soak a single one, just a little soap and hand wash if I need it straight away, or a rinse and toss in the washing machine if I can wait. I'm really impressed with them, they've been so much more comfortable than disposables, I'm so, so glad I made the switch, I can't imagine wearing disposables and getting hives for the next 12 weeks!

Baby on Board!

This mornings transfer went so smoothly, I feel so good about our chances! After trying to sleep unsuccessfully through my excitement and nerves, I woke up to some funky dreams a little before my alarm.  To prevent any uterine contractions that could hinder our frostie sticking, I took my Naproxen at 8am with a weird assortment of food from the fridge. Two glasses of water, crackers, strawberries, yogurt and left over potatoes - I really didn't want to get sick >< Then I drank another liter of water between 9 and 9:30 to make sure my bladder was super full.

Around 10am we checked in at the ART center and paid our embryology bill - another $1150 to the embryologist for thawing and prepping our embryo. Since they hadn't had me come in the day before, we went across the hall and had my blood drawn for a progesterone and estrogen check too, just to make sure it was still at a decent level. Then, they whisked us off to our procedure room to gown up and get ready!

Gowned up!

Gowns on and bottoms off, they checked my bladder first to make sure it was full enough to press my uterus into the right position. Since I'd chugged all that water, believe me, it was full! I had to pee pretty bad and since Dr. D was in a consultation, he was running a bit behind and my bladder was getting fuller and fuller. We were hoping he'd come in quickly but when it looked like he was going to be even longer, the nurse let me go pee for exactly 5 seconds - no more than 5 one-thousands and then I was to stop.  That wasn't fun but I did it and honestly, was just super relieved that she let me go at all.

Finally, a few minutes later, Dr. D was ready! The nurse fired up the ultrasound machine to guide him and he got to the nitty gritty prep - mostly, setting up the speculum, aligning my cervix, and repeatedly washing it to remove any trace of the Endometrin. Uncomfortable, but no worse than a pap smear. Next, they threaded a catheter up through my cervix and into my uterus, using the ultrasound to guide it, and the call was made to the embryologist that we were ready for our embie!  This took a few more minutes - they had to load our embryo up into a pipette and have the 6th or so ID check to confirm the right frostie was making it into the right mama.

Embie baby right out of the freezer :) They've just been thawed out and 

 ended up expanding a ton over the next couple hours before we put them back!

This was really the incredible part. We got to see our little embryo, a tiny white spark in a drop of transfer medium, moving slowly up the catheter and safely into my uterus, which had a perfect trilaminar lining ready to welcome it. Dr. D said our embryo looked fantastic and he thinks our babe has a 90% chance of sticking :) It was a little emotional and my legs were a little trembly, there was so much positive energy and hope in the room. The really kind ultrasound nurse thought they might be getting tired for hanging out in that position for so long and asked E to come brace my knee with his shoulder while she got my other one. It was so sweet I didn't bother telling her it was just nerves.

The little arrow shows embie safely on board!

Once the embryo is safely inside, they back the catheter out and you're officially pregnant until proven otherwise. I thought I'd be able to get up and pee, since I was basically about to burst, but they asked me to lay in place for 15-20 min. Ouch.

At 10 minutes I started asking E for the time. I had been on the brink of an accident when they finished the transfer and now I really, really had to go.

At 15 minutes I insisted he go out there and find someone RIGHT NOW to let me go pee. NOW.

At 16, 17 and 18 minutes, I made him go out again because he still couldn't find someone to release me and I was literally about to pee on the table.

At 20 minutes, I was done. There was still no one there and I had to pee so bad I almost couldn't sit up without peeing myself. It was past the 15-20 minutes and I was going pee whether they liked it or not.

I got my ass up, still in my gown and booties and went to take myself to the bathroom. Of course, as soon as I get round the corner, here comes the nurse with a wheelchair to take me. She insisted I sit in it (do you really want me to pee on your chair??) and I made it just in time to pee, thank goodness.

After that, I got dressed and we were free to go! To help embie stick, we went straight from the clinic to acupuncture and then finally home where I've been ordered to stay in bed for 2 days and take it easy for 4. I'm so ready for this baby. The waiting is the hardest part, I don't know whether I should start peeing in sticks in a week or if I should wait for my beta on the first. Either way, I know this embie is going to stick, we already love them so much.