My Dirty Little Secret

My dirty little secret (that is no longer a secret now that I'm putting it out here in the blogosphere) that was agonizing and surprisingly difficult to admit to myself, is that I reallyreallyreally wish I was one of those reproducing people mentioned in one of the previous posts. Although I was the ultimate tomboy who only played with boys and kept strict company with Ninja Turtles and Batman and girl stuff ewwwwww, baby dolls were my one weakness. Snuggled into a carrier on my chest or in my super cool blue double stroller, my life size now eerily creepy always male baby dolls were my children. At 3, I proclaimed that I too was going to give birth to my little sister, and once she was born she was clearly MY baby. In addition to wrestling matches on my friends trampoline, collecting pokemon cards and playing ninja turtle pirates, I have always had a deep seeded biologically ingrained need to be a mom. It's hardwired into my DNA.

Given my long history of wanna be mamaing, I shouldn't be surprised that I want a child this badly now. But, but, for my family, my life, my existence, now is not the time. Despite the baby wanting, I'd successfully stayed determinedly focused and single minded about my future career. As bad as I wanted to be a mom, I wanted to be a doctor more. It's the only career I've ever been able to visualize myself in, and it's the one goal I've been working towards since I first started school. Having a grandpa with MS, a mother with breast cancer, a grandma with kidney cancer, a boyfriend who died from Epilepsy, and refractive amblyopia will do that to you. And in my family, this is the only acceptable course of action.

Up until now, I have agreed. I went to a college prep high school, volunteered in hospitals, worked in research labs and graduated from a college with a 100% acceptance rate into medical school. I was readying myself for the ultimate, the only goal, doctorhood. But then something happened. The class before mine didn't get into medical school, and private college was expensive, so I graduated early. Then my graduating class barely had any acceptances, so I took a year off to take more classes, complete medical school pre-requirements and try to become a better candidate. And then it started to happen. The older I got, the more the wanting of motherhood began to compete with the doctorhood. Although I had always wanted to be a surgeon, spending so much time away from my future family now seemed like an awful plan. My hormones were kicking in with the vengeance of a lifetime of baby wanting, and dear god are those fuckers strong.

Now, I graduated in December 2008, it's July 2010, and I am still not in medical school. I'm studying with tutors to take my MCAT, trying to motivate myself, but in the wake of the health care crisis with doctors being paid less and less and malpractice insurance sky rocketing, the catastrophic effect medical school loans would have on my fiance and myself, and the prospect of all the missed moments with my family, I'm finding it really really hard to remind myself why I want to do this. My mother harasses me on a daily basis, she's wrapped her identity so tightly around my dreams that the only hope of fulfillment in her life is me reaching my/her/our goal. She tells me not to get pregnant, what a failure I'd be, how fat I am, how I'm not studying enough, everyone else's child works harder and look who just got into school. I think that 8 years without a single "unexpected" mistake is a pretty good track record, graduating college in 3.5 years is pretty good, limited student loans aren't bad, but I don't tell her that. Failure is unacceptable. No career, successful or otherwise, will ever be enough if I'm not a doctor.

I know it's pointless to worry about children who don't even exist. I don't have any and I won't for awhile.

I really want to be a doctor. I want to help sick children. I want to support my family. I can do this.

But man, I really really want to be a good mom.

8 Months To Go

Things the knot thinks I should have done by the eighth month. Boy am I behind! After reading this list of crap, wedding planning seems so much more complicated. As it stands, we know a few things about the big day:

1. We're getting married at my fiance's step dad's ranch.
2. We know which caterer we're using, but we need to redo our menu and put down a deposit.
3. We know which baker we're using, though we haven't let them know yet.
4. We know which officiant we're using. Our family threatened not to come if we didn't use their Rabbi, not that we'd use any other anyway. I'm sure they just felt the need to emphasize their point.
5. We don't have a photographer. We know we need one, and we want photographers we can't afford. We also don't have a florist, and may not be able to afford one.
6. After attending another wedding, we know we probably need a DJ but don't know if we have the budget for it.
7. We know that due to my body shape, we need to have a custom made dress. $$$, but a gift from my auntie.
8. We have no idea how many people are coming. We haven't sent out save the dates yet, bad bad.
9. We know we need to find cheap booze somewhere. We also know we don't drink.
10. Finally, we have no idea what our tiny budget is. We know we need help.

To Do:

• Decide on a wedding budget and hash out who's contributing to the wedding
• Make sure to appraise and insure your engagement ring
• Let friends and family know you're engaged. Send them a just-engaged video Ecard and submit an engagement announcement to the local newspaper. You may also want to have your engagement photos taken in time for this.
• Start taking better care of yourself. Get in wedding day shape by eating right, joining a gym, and/or even hiring a personal trainer.
• If you're having an engagement party, set a date, draft a guest list, and order the invitations. - we're not
  
• Finalize your wedding guest list.
• Sign your catering contract and send in a deposit.
• Start looking for and auditioning local reception bands or DJs.
• Set up appointments with various florists to discuss options.
• Research, interview, and get price lists from several wedding photographers in your area and local videographers.
• Have engagement photos taken (if you want).
  
• Brides: Narrow down your gown choices and make a final decision.
• Reserve your wedding photographer and videographer. Decide on the packages you want, sign the photography contract, and send in your deposits.
• Make sure everyone in the wedding party is aware of what you expect of them -- especially your bridesmaids and groomsmen. Provide a list of duties to the maid of honor and a list of to-dos to the best man.
  
• Choose your florist and send a deposit to reserve their services.
• If you plan to use frequent-flyer miles to travel to your honeymoon destination, book your flight now.
• Book your reception band or DJ, sign the reception music contact, and send a deposit.
• Start researching ceremony musicians in your area and listening to demos. Also start forming an idea of what style of ceremony music you want, and any specific songs you’re looking for.

Completed:

• Get organized! Start a notebook/file folder to house all your wedding-planning paperwork in one place, browse our Wedding Planning Basics area, and download The Knot Toolbar for easy access to all your online planning tools.
• Begin envisioning your wedding style and wedding colors -- formal, eggplant-and-gold hotel reception? Or a modern, black-and-white loft? Colorful, tented, backyard barbecue celebration? Or exotic, orange-and-yellow beach wedding?
• Choose a wedding date and time, and finalize after okaying with important guests (parents, siblings, and grandparents), ceremony and/or reception location, and ceremony officiant.
• Begin interviewing wedding coordinators (if you'll have one) -- look online and ask family and friends for local wedding coordinator recommendations.
• Brides: It's never too early to begin thinking about your wedding dress. Start by figuring out what wedding dress style will look best on you.
• Interview wedding caterers look online for wedding caterers in your area and ask recently married friends for recommendations.
• Scout out reception sites in your area until you find the perfect reception location.
• Look for a ceremony officiant in your area (if you don't already have one in mind) and/or a premarital counselor who suits your style and spirit. Interview prospective officiants and start prewedding counseling if it's right for you.
• Book your reception site as soon as you see something you love that's available on your date. Before you sign the reception contract, make sure it includes everything you discussed.
• Begin working on a preliminary online wedding guest list and decide approximately how many people you want to invite. Request "wish lists" from both sets of parents, then compile.
• Find a ceremony site (if one hasn't already been determined by your choice of officiant or reception site).
• Put together your bridal party. Choose your bridesmaids, pick your groomsmen, and decide on your flower girl and ring bearer. Also consider giving a part to those very important friends and family outside of the bridal party (ceremony readers, guest book attendants, candle lighters).
• Choose your wedding colors (if you haven't already), taking into account the existing decor of your ceremony and reception spaces.
• Decide on a caterer. Hash out a rough price per head and start planning your reception menu.
• Brides: Start your wedding dress search. Begin by looking at pictures of wedding dresses online and in magazines.
• Start investigating any family wedding customs or cultural traditions you might want to incorporate into your ceremony or reception.
• Envision your wedding flowers and set up appointments with wedding florists in the area to discuss options.
• If you've chosen an outdoor ceremony or reception site, then research tent and lighting rental places in your area.
• Envision your wedding invitations. Look at invite photos and decide who will make your wedding invitations. The Knot hint: Coordinate all your wedding stationery from the save-the-dates to your invitations and place cards.
• Decide on your officiant and set up a meeting to plan the wedding ceremony and talk about any religious requirements (such as premarital counseling).
• Brides: Start thinking about what you want your bridesmaid dresses to look like. Search bridesmaid dress photos and make sure to get input from your girls.
• Think about how you might want to wear your hair. Browse wedding hairstyle photos, and start researching hairstylists and makeup artists in your area.
  

The Season of Bells, Diapers, Rings and Toes, Rings and Toes

February-July is the season for weddings and new babies. You may have already known this as it seems to be the norm in most cultures but I am only just finding this out as I reach that undefined age at which your friends suddenly begin marrying and reproducing (in no particular order). This age may for some people may be the "Age of Maturity", which was recently defined for me by a friend as "The age when you get practical stuff as presents and instead of being bummed say cool I actually needed that". Now this definition never accurately summed up this age for me, for whom practical presents were the norm. For me, the age of maturity has always been when you can successfully and repeatedly put others needs before your own and make well thought out logical decisions that lead to a successful life. Phrased like that, this may be a pipe dream to some, or even motherhood to others.

Regardless, this time of marriages and babies may be achieved long after you reach the age of maturity, when you are financially stable and successful, are ready to cohabitate and have the required half a million dollars required to correctly raise a child in Los Angeles, CA. Since for normal people this is also a pipe dream (HA!), I am personally redefining this time as my post college years, or in general, the early to mid twenties. This makes a lot of sense, people have dated, maybe lived together, and everyone is getting that gentle nudge from mother nature in the form of natural hormones that say AH-GET-PREGNANT-NOW-REPRODUCE-THIS-INSTANT-AHHH. People may also get this nudge from parents, in the form of gentle reminders that they're not getting any younger, and grandchildren might be nice, unless you live in my family where reproduction before a successful career (read doctor or lawyer, 30-40 years old) is tantamount to grand larceny.

In the past year, a ridiculous amount of my friends have gotten married. I've actually lost count, where previously the only wedding I knew of was my much older brother's. Only three friends have reproduced, though neither bothered with getting married yet because they are modern and cool like that, yo. No conforming to the man here! And yet, when I step back and look at this, it all seems a little fast to me. Hypocritically I myself am getting married next March. I tell myself this is okay because we've been dating for 8 years and are practically married already. But really, 24 still seems a bit young for the average marriage or baby for less cool people says the self proclaimed dork/nerd. Still, a little more stability would be nice.

Either way, it's wedding season and I'm about to add my name to the list of people who have taken the plunge. I have only 8 months to go till the big day, have to take my medical school entrance exams this September, fill out my applications for October and get my shit together so I can join the ranks of the white coats and the married. All while telling nature exactly where she can shove her reproductive, mature people hormones.

Is anyone else finding this as difficult as I am?