My Dirty Little Secret

My dirty little secret (that is no longer a secret now that I'm putting it out here in the blogosphere) that was agonizing and surprisingly difficult to admit to myself, is that I reallyreallyreally wish I was one of those reproducing people mentioned in one of the previous posts. Although I was the ultimate tomboy who only played with boys and kept strict company with Ninja Turtles and Batman and girl stuff ewwwwww, baby dolls were my one weakness. Snuggled into a carrier on my chest or in my super cool blue double stroller, my life size now eerily creepy always male baby dolls were my children. At 3, I proclaimed that I too was going to give birth to my little sister, and once she was born she was clearly MY baby. In addition to wrestling matches on my friends trampoline, collecting pokemon cards and playing ninja turtle pirates, I have always had a deep seeded biologically ingrained need to be a mom. It's hardwired into my DNA.

Given my long history of wanna be mamaing, I shouldn't be surprised that I want a child this badly now. But, but, for my family, my life, my existence, now is not the time. Despite the baby wanting, I'd successfully stayed determinedly focused and single minded about my future career. As bad as I wanted to be a mom, I wanted to be a doctor more. It's the only career I've ever been able to visualize myself in, and it's the one goal I've been working towards since I first started school. Having a grandpa with MS, a mother with breast cancer, a grandma with kidney cancer, a boyfriend who died from Epilepsy, and refractive amblyopia will do that to you. And in my family, this is the only acceptable course of action.

Up until now, I have agreed. I went to a college prep high school, volunteered in hospitals, worked in research labs and graduated from a college with a 100% acceptance rate into medical school. I was readying myself for the ultimate, the only goal, doctorhood. But then something happened. The class before mine didn't get into medical school, and private college was expensive, so I graduated early. Then my graduating class barely had any acceptances, so I took a year off to take more classes, complete medical school pre-requirements and try to become a better candidate. And then it started to happen. The older I got, the more the wanting of motherhood began to compete with the doctorhood. Although I had always wanted to be a surgeon, spending so much time away from my future family now seemed like an awful plan. My hormones were kicking in with the vengeance of a lifetime of baby wanting, and dear god are those fuckers strong.

Now, I graduated in December 2008, it's July 2010, and I am still not in medical school. I'm studying with tutors to take my MCAT, trying to motivate myself, but in the wake of the health care crisis with doctors being paid less and less and malpractice insurance sky rocketing, the catastrophic effect medical school loans would have on my fiance and myself, and the prospect of all the missed moments with my family, I'm finding it really really hard to remind myself why I want to do this. My mother harasses me on a daily basis, she's wrapped her identity so tightly around my dreams that the only hope of fulfillment in her life is me reaching my/her/our goal. She tells me not to get pregnant, what a failure I'd be, how fat I am, how I'm not studying enough, everyone else's child works harder and look who just got into school. I think that 8 years without a single "unexpected" mistake is a pretty good track record, graduating college in 3.5 years is pretty good, limited student loans aren't bad, but I don't tell her that. Failure is unacceptable. No career, successful or otherwise, will ever be enough if I'm not a doctor.

I know it's pointless to worry about children who don't even exist. I don't have any and I won't for awhile.

I really want to be a doctor. I want to help sick children. I want to support my family. I can do this.

But man, I really really want to be a good mom.

The Season of Bells, Diapers, Rings and Toes, Rings and Toes

February-July is the season for weddings and new babies. You may have already known this as it seems to be the norm in most cultures but I am only just finding this out as I reach that undefined age at which your friends suddenly begin marrying and reproducing (in no particular order). This age may for some people may be the "Age of Maturity", which was recently defined for me by a friend as "The age when you get practical stuff as presents and instead of being bummed say cool I actually needed that". Now this definition never accurately summed up this age for me, for whom practical presents were the norm. For me, the age of maturity has always been when you can successfully and repeatedly put others needs before your own and make well thought out logical decisions that lead to a successful life. Phrased like that, this may be a pipe dream to some, or even motherhood to others.

Regardless, this time of marriages and babies may be achieved long after you reach the age of maturity, when you are financially stable and successful, are ready to cohabitate and have the required half a million dollars required to correctly raise a child in Los Angeles, CA. Since for normal people this is also a pipe dream (HA!), I am personally redefining this time as my post college years, or in general, the early to mid twenties. This makes a lot of sense, people have dated, maybe lived together, and everyone is getting that gentle nudge from mother nature in the form of natural hormones that say AH-GET-PREGNANT-NOW-REPRODUCE-THIS-INSTANT-AHHH. People may also get this nudge from parents, in the form of gentle reminders that they're not getting any younger, and grandchildren might be nice, unless you live in my family where reproduction before a successful career (read doctor or lawyer, 30-40 years old) is tantamount to grand larceny.

In the past year, a ridiculous amount of my friends have gotten married. I've actually lost count, where previously the only wedding I knew of was my much older brother's. Only three friends have reproduced, though neither bothered with getting married yet because they are modern and cool like that, yo. No conforming to the man here! And yet, when I step back and look at this, it all seems a little fast to me. Hypocritically I myself am getting married next March. I tell myself this is okay because we've been dating for 8 years and are practically married already. But really, 24 still seems a bit young for the average marriage or baby for less cool people says the self proclaimed dork/nerd. Still, a little more stability would be nice.

Either way, it's wedding season and I'm about to add my name to the list of people who have taken the plunge. I have only 8 months to go till the big day, have to take my medical school entrance exams this September, fill out my applications for October and get my shit together so I can join the ranks of the white coats and the married. All while telling nature exactly where she can shove her reproductive, mature people hormones.

Is anyone else finding this as difficult as I am?