3 Years, Just Us 2

This year, E and I decided to go low key for our anniversary week. E was only able to get two days off work and we didn't feel like rushing to go somewhere out of town. We considered checking into a hotel for a staycation as well, but couldn't quite muster the energy for it. Our bed is pretty comfortable, and it comes with Milou and our kitties, which is hard to beat.

Baby S and E, a lifetime ago

So, we spent the day before celebrating E's mother's boyfriend R's birthday. E's mom and R have been dating for over a decade so he usually refers to us as his son and daughter in law. About a year ago, R did some electrical work for this wonderful, hip Venice restaurant called The Barnyard, and since then the chef has been bugging R to come eat there.  Since we finally had an excuse, we decided to head there for dinner to celebrate. The chef was truly amazing, everything was fresh, organic and delicious and we would go back in a heart beat. E had the chicken, which turned out to be phenomenal, and I had a decadent steak. Even the olives warmed in oil were amazing, and I'm not usually an olive fan. At the end of the evening, the chef comped our 9 person dinner as a birthday gift for R. You truly couldn't pick a better restaurant and chef if you have a reason to celebrate or just want a delicious meal.
On our actual anniversary, we played it very low key. E surprised me with Roses, Orchids and groceries (!) when I woke up and we spent the morning lounging in bed. It was so sweet, and so thoughtful,  even though E is usually awesome about that stuff anyway. We had hoped to get tickets to see The Book of Mormon, which is supposed to be hilarious, but weren't able to find some for a decent price on such short notice. Instead, we decided on a blast from the past and headed down PCH to a little restaurant we spent New Years Eve at years and years ago.   It's a little hole in the wall, Italian place right across from the water that makes a mean truffle ravioli.  PCH is probably my favorite road to drive and we got to wind up and down the coast enjoying the ocean and each other's company.

All in all, I'd say it was a relaxing couple of days and I'm so happy to celebrate another year together with E. Although I'm hoping this is the last anniversary we spend just the two of us for a long time, I couldn't imagine spending my life with anyone else. We've been dealing with a LOT lately in our quest to build our family, with bad news followed by more bad news, and I couldn't do it if I didn't have E to lean on.

Happy 3rd/12th Anniversary my love. No matter how we make our family happen, and how we tackle the shit news we seem to keep getting, the important thing is that we do it together. You're my everything and I love you like crazy.

Genetics Expanded

After waiting two months for an appointment with a genetic counselor, E and I finally got in to see one this morning. As expected, they had the results on E's second genetic screening which confirmed his diagnosis of Y chromosome infertility due to an AZFb microdeletion.

They were fascinated with E and the fact that he has any sperm at all. With his genetic profile, he shouldn't be able to produce any sperm but has still had counts as high as 23 million. I would have liked to talk about the particulars more, but ultimately the end result is same, 20 million or 2, his non-motile swimmers are not usable.

The counselor got more info on our families but couldn't really suss out why we both have fertility problems. For a multitude of reasons, both our families are fairly small, and with such a small sample size it's tough to draw good conclusions. We can assume that E's infertility occurred de novo, as a fluke, while mine is still unexplained. They're testing me for fragile x syndrome as a last ditch explanation, since my family consists of all girls for two generations, but it's fairly rare to have a completely silent carrier and I don't have any of the symptoms or markers for the disease aside from my lack of eggies. E was almost late for work so I couldn't get my labs drawn today and will have to go back.

The counselor was really analytical which I appreciate, I approached the situation in the same manner and it made it really easy to connect with him. He understood my desire to have 5 years of egg fertility data to look at before making a decision (sadly impossible) and suggested we come up with a wall sized algorithm to predict all possible choices.  We went over pretty much every situation from E's sperm and my egg to egg and sperm donors. I think we have a somewhat solid plan of action.

**The Plan!**
1. Get my labs done for Fragile X and possibly CMV antibody. CMV antibody status is important for picking a donor. Done!
2. Decide if E is going to have the stimulated semen analysis to confirm for sure that his sperm is unusable.
      a. If E's sperm can't be stimulated, we go with a donor
      b. If E's sperm can be stimulated and is usable, we begin proceedings for IVF with ICSI
          - If E's sperm is usable, we will gender select so as not to pass on the mutation
3. Assuming E's sperm is unusable, we need to pick the donor. I want this to be mostly E's choice. I'm thinking a local sperm bank would be best so we can order the day before it's needed and courier it over.
4. Purchase donor sperm. We need to decide how many vials we want and how many will be stored.
5. Decide whether we're doing a stimulated cycle to see how I respond and try to get a better idea of my egg reserve, or proceed directly to a medicated cycle and IUI
6. Proceed with a medicated IUI cycle
7. Hopefully get pregnant!

While I definitely still have that I might cry sensation at the back of my throat, I am feeling a little better and more prepared. My biggest concerns are that I might be pushing E and not allowing him enough time to grieve. I've been really waring with myself on what we should do next and how we can balance my time crunch with his coping and emotional well being. Today, the genetic counselor said something along the lines of "people take fertility for granted, like gravity. It's just something that's there. But the reality is that for many people it isn't". I talked about how, cost aside, I wished our rolls could be reversed because I don't care about being genetically related to my child but E does/did.

Although we already knew it, the counselor said that not being able to have biological children is horrible and devastating and may always hurt, but that's normal and okay. I think that really helped E to hear this since he's been struggling with the idea that he may never be 100% okay with not having  genetically related children. I think he understands now that it's okay for that to always hurt a little, but it doesn't have to prevent us from having a family and kids that are his in every way that matters. He doesn't have to be thrilled about it, he just has to be at peace with it. I told E the only things I need him to be 100% on are 1. That he still wants children and 2. The donor we pick. As long as he's sure about these two things, I think we'll be okay.