22dp5/6dt - High Dose Hook Effect

Since my friend was kind enough to send me an entire box of pregnancy tests, I've been taking one every morning with FMU. I like seeing the two dark lines pop up as a sort of reassurance that everything is still okay in there since we haven't had an ultrasound yet.

The lines have always been nice, dark and reassuring until this morning. I actually slept in a bit later today and tested with a solid 8 hour hold. To my horror, the test line was lighter than the control line, lighter than the test the day before, OMGWTFAHHWHATWASGOINGON? I told myself the test was crappy, and it was, even the test line was lighter than normal, and resolved to test again after a 4 hour hold. Oh my god, holding your bladder and pregnancy do not go well together. I made it exactly 4 hours, rushed to the bathroom, and although the test was a little darker, it wasn't as dark as it should be. That's when it hit me right in the face, the high dose hook effect. Duh. I've experience it myself with ELISAs in the lab but I didn't think to apply it to a pregnancy test. Duh duh duh.

The high-dose hook effect is a well-known phenomenon in laboratory medicine, Dr. Gronowski says. It occurs when increasing concentrations of analyte lead to saturation of both the capture antibody and detection antibody, preventing formation of a complete antibody-antigen-antibody sandwich and leading to possibly false-negative results. She co-authored a study focusing on what she calls a “variant hook effect” that affects qualitative urine hCG tests. “The problem is an excess of one form of hCG. Part of the problem is that hCG comes in many different isoforms, and after five weeks of pregnancy, you get much more of one variant form called the β core fragment than you get of the hCG intact molecule. We demonstrated that if you add increasing concentrations of β core fragment to a urine sample that contains intact hCG, there is a dose-dependent inhibition of signal. This is similar to the standard hook effect, except that in many cases the devices don’t recognize β core fragment alone. In other words, the β core fragment only binds one of the two antibodies used in the assay, but it still has the same net effect and causes a false-negative result.”  (Check out the full article here)

And now it makes sense. At a day short of 6 weeks, I bet my β core fragment levels are much higher than my intact HCG. Obviously, I had to test this out by peeing on more sticks. 

And look at that! The solution diluted 50/50 with water has the darkest test line by far. Clearly, it looks like my stick peeing days have come to an end. There's no way I'm diluting cups of pee at 5 in the morning to get a satisfactorily dark line. I think I'm going to have to rely on blood tests and ultrasounds to reassure me from now on, as tough as that's going to be. The next blood test is tomorrow morning but my ultrasound won't be until Friday and after that, who knows. I hope my OB/GYN is open to frequent appointments to soothe my nerves :/

15dp5/6dt - Am I Pregnant Today?

This morning, I slept in an extra hour and 45 minutes. I took a test, because I do every morning now, and the test line had somewhat crappy dye uptake. I ate left overs for breakfast, ate a real lunch and tried to snack all day long. I still had heartburn, I don't think I can do anything else about that, but I wasn't starving and I didn't get super exhausted.

Most people would say that's an improvement, a good day because I stayed ahead of things and felt pretty good. For me, with infertility PTSD, my first instinct is to assume there's something wrong.

What if my pregnancy is a chemical?

What if there were two and I'm losing one?

What if my HCG is too high and it's a molar pregnancy? 

What if I'm not pregnant anymore?

After everything we've been through, even with no real supportive evidence, I can't help but assume that something is/will go wrong. I don't know how to relax or how to believe that I'm really pregnant and this worked. How to accept that crappy dye uptake on a STILL POSITIVE pregnancy test could mean anything other than the test is cheap. What kind of crazy person assumes that they've lost a pregnancy because they're not super exhausted that day? It couldn't possibly be the almost 2 extra hours of sleep I got, nooooo. There must be something wrong.

I don't know when this anxiety goes away. When we make it past 12 weeks? When we make it to viability? When I actually have them safely in my arms? Will it ever go away or will it follow me into motherhood, sneaking up in the middle of the night, telling me to check my child(ren)'s breathing? Infertility has been our reality for so long, it colors everything I do.

I'm trying to take things one day at a time. I wish I could look through a peep hole into my uterus to to make sure everything is okay in there. I don't think I can wait 2 more weeks for an ultrasound to see if there are actually bab(ies) in there or if this has all been some sort of cruel joke.

12dp5/6dt - Early Pregnancy Symptoms

Our trip to San Diego is winding down and I'm chilling in the hotel lobby since we had to check out of our room for the next guest. I was walking around the Gaslamp district, window shopping and sampling delicious snacks when the exhaustion hit and my body decided it's time for a nap.

I know I'm only like 2 seconds along but I have to say the pregnancy symptoms are real. Early first trimester ladies, I believe you.  Whatever combination of HCG, progesterone and estrogen that is currently marinating my brain is enough to make a noticeable difference in daily life. Far from finding it annoying, I'm actually relishing each little symptom that reminds me we really have a little embryo in there. They're real :)

Now since I've never been pregnant naturally, I don't know how much of the noticeable stuff is due to the embryo and HCG and how much is a side effect of the progesterone. 

The biggie for me is fatigue. After walking around or doing anything, I need a nap. I'm peeing all the time, which isn't too far out of the norm, and I'm noticing a little queasiness, heartburn and some burpy-ness when I wait too long to eat. I'm also crazy hungry, especially in the mornings when I don't usually like to eat.  My belly is still massive, but that's definitely the progesterone since our embie is still tucked behind my pubic bone. The weirdest is probably a little pregnancy brain. This one I really didn't believe, but I'm having little moments where I forget something stupid that I'd never forget. Those are the most obnoxious because I'm not a forgetful person and I really don't want to be. 

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As it turns out, I was too tired to actually post this earlier, oops. Now we're back home, safe and sound, and I'll admit that the first thing I did when I walked through the door was pee on a stick.

Thank goodness it's still positive. I didn't have any tests with me in San Diego and it was killing me to not know what was going on in there and if my HCG is still going up. Tomorrow morning is our second beta and with that line getting darker, I have my hopes up that our number will be good. Betas double ever 48-72 hours so our number should come back at least 800.  I hope our little over achiever is doing their stuff!

10dp5/6dt - First Beta!

E and I went in for our first beta this morning! It was really quick, although it's usually busy on Fridays, the place was practically empty and there was no line for labs. We hopped on the road shortly thereafter and headed for San Diego with our nurse's promise that we'd get called with the beta results by the afternoon.

We were waiting and waiting and it was sometime after I'd made E stop so I could pee that we finally got the call.

Our first beta is positive! My HCG is 400!

I was hoping for/expecting a positive beta given our home tests, but 400 completely blew me away. So many of my fellow IVF/FET ladies have numbers around 100-200 so I was definitely not expecting 400. Wow, we clearly have a little over achiever nice and cozy in there.

Our next beta is Monday since we'll still be out of town on Sunday. Dr. D wasn't concerned about the extra day, he said they often worry when a first beta comes in at 20 or 30, but at 400 he expects things to progress well. We'll confirm doubling time on Monday and then, fingers crossed, have our first ultrasound two weeks later. Each step is like a weight off my shoulders, another positive sign that our little embie is sticking things out. And as a bonus, if all looks good and my estrogen and progesterone are holding up well at our ultrasound, they can start weaning me off the Estrace and Endometrin early!

Now that it's evening and the positive is soaking in, E has gone off to work the game and I'm settled comfortably into our hotel. They upgraded us from a standard room to a one bedroom suite so I have my pick of the bed, two arm chairs or a large, squishy couch. It's a good thing too, I haven't done much today but I think I could use a nap.

View from the couch :)

And before I forget, I gave the CozyFolk liner a try today and it is so, so comfortable. I don't know how the edges would hold up to blood, but they're so soft and just blend right in to your undies. Definite thumbs up.

8dp5/6dt - I DID A THING

AHHHHH!!  Do you see it?? These tests are super expired, and it's really, really early, today would only be 3 weeks 6 days, but I see a line on all three tests! We have to keep our cool, it's so early and my betas aren't until Friday and Monday so we won't even know if my HCG levels are high enough to be a viable baby. I've just never had a positive pregnancy test before!

I know at this point that it could be a chemical or an ectopic or any number of other things but for right now, in this moment, I think I'm pregnant! And if that wasn't enough, the doorbell rang and it was a gorgeous bouquet of red roses from one of my besties who knew I was having trouble getting through the two week wait. 

She included a really sweet card and that just about did me in, my hormones can't take this kind of sweetness when I'm this full of emotion already. I couldn't even call her to say thank you, by the time I got my myself together I was at Milou's class where no one knows what we're doing, so I had to text her. She also put some pregnancy tests in the mail for me and they will hopefully arrive tomorrow. That way I have more sticks to pee on before the beta so I can make myself wonderfully crazy over how dark the line is. In the meantime I'm both elated and exhausted, with a healthy dose of sharp little cramps thrown in to remind me that my embie baby is in there doing stuff. 

I can't believe this is really happening. After everything, our embryo is actually sticking!