Pregnancy Symptom Round Up

I used to watch those "I didn't know I was pregnant" shows and think okay, I guess it could happen. Maybe she was a little chubby to begin with, had irregular periods, thought she had the flu, there's a lot of excuses. But now, I think I have to call bullshit.

I have had so much funky stuff going on in just the first trimester that I'd have to be living under a rock to not suspect something. I haven't even felt the baby move yet

4 - 6 weeks - crazy sore boobs, pokey nipples, lots heartburn, twinges and cramps, bloating, peeing all the time, hungry

7 - 9 weeks - all day morning sickness, sore boobs, nipples still pokey, occasional round ligament pain, major bloating, peeing all the time, sick if I don't eat frequently

10 - 11 weeks - heartburn is back with a vengeance, nausea thankfully ebbing, sore boobs, round ligament pain, still bloated, still peeing all the time, stomach and organs squashed, sick if I don't eat frequently

Now that the nausea is mostly gone, the heartburn is probably the most noticeable symptom because I have it all day long. Eating, not eating, standing, sitting, it's pretty constant. My acupuncturist and midwife S said in addition to the bloating, my middle is already so large because my organs are being pretty well squished upwards by my uterus so I'm sure that doesn't help either. I'm probably going to bring it up at my next appointment

I've also had some weird cravings for things I don't normally eat. It was meat the first few weeks, but after that it's been chocolate covered almonds, pomegranate juice,  salty chips and most recently cheetos which I don't think I've eaten in the past decade. I also briefly wanted something sweet like a donut, though that craving passed pretty quickly, and I've wanted nothing to do with my favorite vegetables. I couldn't even bring myself to eat my favorite veggie pizza, I took one bite and it was so unappealing I had to put it down. Why doesn't baby want nice, healthy foods full of vitamins? What nutritional value could there possibly be in crunchy cheetos? 

10 Weeks - Bumpin'

I know some women get through early pregnancy without showing, but apparently I am not one of them. I don't know how much of it is Endometrin bloating, or normal pregnancy bloating, all my organs being squished upwards, or just my body being thrilled to finally be pregnant. Either way, my belly has just exploded.

Bam! Baby Bump :)

Granted, I was pretty bloated from the Endometrin before the transfer, and as you can also see, I've put on some major poundage since starting the whole infertility process. But I can't suck this in and I'm pretty sure that bloating is supposed to change day by day and morning to evening, mine doesn't go down, just consistently gets bigger. This baby clearly doesn't want to stay incognito.

Our plan was to wait until after the anatomy scan to begin announcing our pregnancy but with my belly this big at only 10 weeks, who knows what I'll look like at 20 weeks. E is convinced I'm going to be the size of a house and I think he might be right. I don't mind being big already, I love having visual proof that baby is doing what they're supposed to in there, but it is making for some awkward looks from people. Everyone has been too polite to ask anything outright but this little bean is pretty noticable.

As far as the rest of pregnancy is going, my nausea is letting up a bit for which I am so, so grateful. I haven't thrown up in a week now and the constant queasy feeling is ebbing. Unfortunately, in it's place, the heartburn is coming back with a vengeance so tums are my permanent best friend.

Our next opportunity to check in on bean isn't until just before 12 weeks, so in the meantime I'm trying to remind myself that everything is okay, my belly is clearly growing so bean must be growing, even if I can't see them on ultrasound every week.

Grumpy Cat

Since getting our positive, I've noticed some changes in our wonderful pets behavior. Some things are mild and innocuous but others might potentially be cause for concern.

Our boy kitties are solid. They're in a serious bromance and usually don't pay too much attention to the humans since they're too busy grooming and cuddling. Since our positive, they're a little more cuddly, they want to sit on my belly and get pets whenever I'm sitting down in one of their spaces and will seek me out a little more often for attention. Aside from that, they're not concerned with change as long as their meals keep coming on schedule.

Your belly is my new favorite bed

Milou, our soon to be big sister, is a little more protective. She's fine with other people around, loves children, but she's really not loving other dogs in my space. My mother's dog is particularly upsetting for her, she doesn't want him near our "personal" space - my bedroom, her bed, her crate. On Saturday in her agility class, the instructors dominant male dog tried to lean into my side for butt scratches and Milou basically draped herself across my legs and laid in my lap. She usually backs off from him since she's on the submissive side but it was pretty clear she would not be doing so this time. Her mama is off limits. I'm not really concerned about this behavior, it's normal for dogs to get a little more protective when their people are pregnant and she's still perfectly happy with people, both adults, kiddos, and littles.

I might be smiling but I'm not happy about this

I think the wild card here is probably going to be our girl kitty, Button. She's a 100% mamas girl, shy and scared of other people, and she's making it pretty clear that she is Pissed. We've always known she wasn't a huge fan of change, but in the past she's done really well moving houses, accepting new pets, making things work as long as she had her mama. Now, she's quite literally lashing out. For the past few weeks, she's been reaching out with a paw whenever I stop petting her to grab me. Today, I was walking by her cat tree on my way to put away laundry and stopped to pet her. I only gave her quick pets since I had clothes in my hands and on my way back past her tree she reached out and whacked me right in the face. She actually gave me two teensy scratches and I can't remember her ever intentionally scratching me before in the 10 years I've had her. I gave her a stern talking to and she wouldn't even look at me, she is not a happy camper.

Don't let my big eyes fool you, I'm really grumpy right now

I'm not really concerned about Button with a baby, she's an under the bed, in the closet cat who has her little space that she doesn't leave.  I'm fairly sure she's going to keep as far away from baby as possible. But in the meantime, I need to find some way to make her feel secure and loved so she knows these changes are good ones. I can't have her taking swipes at me every time I go by and I don't want her feeling upset and stressed for the rest of the year. 

8 Weeks - Heard Bean's Heartbeat!

This morning we had the absolutely exquisit pleasure of hearing little bean's heartbeat for the first time. It was such a beautiful sound, thumping away, beatbeatbeatbeatbeat like a strong, steady drum. I can't stop listening to it, I need to take a longer video of it next time so I can listen on repeat.

8 week little bean! Not a great photo but still adorable

The downside of the appointment is that we really didn't love the doctor we met with. She's not on my schedule for any other appointments so I'm hoping she was just the ultrasound dating person and not one we're going to have to see again. She argued with me about how far along I am, didn't seem to understand basic post IVF medication (estrogen and progesterone are pretty much standard), wasn't going to look for my SCH even though I told her I had one and more importantly didn't seem to understand PGD/PGS. I introduced myself, explained that this was an IVF/PGD/PGS pregnancy, these are the medications I'm on etc. And she's like oh....I see here you're a FX carrier? You know you could pass that on to boys....and E and I looked at each other like WTF? Is this lady for real? I explained again that yes, I knew I was a carrier since I JUST said we did PGD/PGS and that I was aware my mutation could be passed on to both boys AND girls HENCE THE PGD. Then she asked if I had seen the genetic counselor to talk about passing on my mutation. OMFG.

She was nice and thorough otherwise, I just don't think she has any idea what PGD/PGS is or she wasn't listening when I tried to explain what we'd done. It was disconcerting and we definitely don't want to see her again. We worked way too hard to get this baby to continue care with someone who doesn't understand everything involved.

Mama Mobile

As part of everything falling into place for this little bean to become our take home baby, E and I have finally upgraded my Jetta, Sydney, to an absolutely fantabulous mama mobile! We're a bit crazy so we actually got her just before we transferred, in anticipation of our little bean sticking. Thank goodness they did! So, baby's first official gift is a safe ride home, a 2009 Toyota Highlander Hybrid Limited with three lovely rows. I usually name my cars but I'm still getting to know her and right now she's mostly being called "Shiny" as in "What a nice shiny!".

While we were originally looking at slightly newer Highlanders, as well as the Subaru Outback, Honda CRV and Pilot and the Mazda CX7 and CX9, Shiny sort of fell into our laps. One of our family friends, P, who had been ill for some time passed away and the person who was going to be buying Shiny had to back out. This left her up for grabs and when P's wife offered her to us, we jumped at the chance to try her out. A hybrid had definitely been outside our price range and although she's an older Hybrid and newer gas models get fairly comparable gas mileage, we both really liked the green factor and low emissions.

Our top priorities for a new car mostly focused around family friendliness. We wanted three rows so that I can transport people and Milou at the same time. A back seat large enough for rear facing car seats without having to move the front seats all the way up. When we're not using the third row, we wanted a nice big trunk to hold all the things I cart around on a daily basis as well as the occasional IKEA purchase and soon, a stroller. It had to get decent gas mileage, not be too big to park, preferably have leather for ease of cleaning and above all be safe and not too expensive. I'll admit that Sydney is quite the fancy, sporty girl and because of that I have gotten used to certain "standards." She's luxurious with lovely extras like butt warmers, steering wheel controls, automatic climate control and a fabulous sunroof. These things definitely weren't necessities, but they would be nice to have.

Shiny met and exceeded all of our expectations with ease, even if she's a little older and has more miles than we were originally looking for.  She has three rows with a very respectable trunk when the third is down. Her back seat is super spacious and roomy, it can easily accommodate tall people and car seats, and it has second row air conditioning to keep our passengers and soon to be baby comfortable. Since she has the Limited package, she has all leather interior and power everything including a gorgeous sun roof, back up camera, GPS, bluetooth, and just about every extra you could have added. The trunk even opens and closes automatically which is a cool trick that hasn't gotten old. After driving her for a month, I'm starting to get the hang of parking her and even in traffic conditioners not ideal for a hybrid, she's getting pretty good mileage for an SUV. All in all, I'm absolutely smitten with her and can't wait to bring home baby in her roomy, safe back seat.

6 weeks 6 days - Intake Appointment

Oh man, this is one I'm typing up through some serious queasiness. Even though it's super early, S asked me to pick a hospital and pre-register so I could get on the calendar for prenatal appointments. The hospital choice was a difficult one, more difficult I think because of our location. We live about 5 minutes from Kaiser A. They're a smaller Kaiser but I absolutely love my OB, who is the head of the department there. Unfortunately, they don't really have a rated NICU (it's not even on the state list) and my OB is the only OB I'd want to deliver with there. S wants me very much to deliver and receive care at Kaiser B.

Kaiser B is about 30 min - 1 hour from our house which is a pain in the butt. It's a larger Kaiser with what is considered to be the best labor and delivery unit and a NICU. I had originally planed to go with my awesome OB at Kaiser A but after weighing all the options, it seemed like a better and safer bet to go with Kaiser B, even if it means giving up my beloved OB. The chances of actually delivering with your OB aren't great and I'd be pretty upset if I couldn't have her. S is a Nurse Midwife at Kaiser B and her partner midwife is also supposedly wonderful along with the OBs. If I have any sort of emergency, I can always go to the closer Kaiser A but everything scheduled will take place at Kaiser B.

The next step was actually making the appointment which was mentally harder than it should have been. It felt a lot like tempting fate and I was really hesitant to make those kinds of plans with a pregnancy this new, but I finally went ahead and had my intake appointment today.

This appointment started out with lots of questions answered via tablet. They were mostly basic pregnancy and health questions so it was kind of cool to get them out of the way without wasting my face to face time with the nurse. Once I got to her, we were able to focus entirely on our story and the calendar.  Holy balls was S right about the calendar.

After explaining about our IVF journey and briefly discussing the available prenatal screening options, the nurse opened up "THE CALENDAR" and proceeded to book me for the next 4 months. And she wasn't just booking me to get ahead, there were practically no appointments left for the date ranges I needed! I asked to try and have my appointments with S but she was only available for my July and August appointments. I also needed an OB since I'm not delivering with my wonderful Kaiser A one, so this nurse booked me with the head of this labor and delivery unit. Then, since I'm over 25 and I'm an even chubbier chubster than usual thanks to IVF, the nurse had me take the gestational diabetes screening test.

(Source)

OMG this stuff was disgusting. It tastes like some sort of burning, chemical orange soda and is in no way, shape or form morning sickness friendly. It's now been over 6 hours since I drank it and I still feel sicker to my stomach than normal, and my intestines are making all sorts of angry noises. I somehow managed to choke it down and not vomit, finished up the appointment and then went to have my blood drawn an hour after the drink. I guess the nurse didn't see my previously updated STD panel in my chart that I just did for the clinic so she ordered another full panel along with the glucose and urine test. 10 vials of blood after drinking the Glucola and not being able to drink water or throw up? Not fun. 

My next appointment with Kaiser is in just a week or so to have my physical and first Kaiser ultrasound. Luckily, we won't actually have to wait that long to see our little bean since our next clinic appointment is this weekend.  Two ultrasounds in less than a week? We're going to get spoiled :) This time I just need to remember to ask E to get some video footage for me.

6 weeks 4 days - Morning Sickness

It has begun! I've been feeling queasy for a couple of days but today was the first day I actually threw up. I woke up feeling nauseous and was just getting out the crackers to see if nibbling helped when I had to run for the bathroom. It seemed to be entirely bile but my big worry is the medication - I take my estradiol, aspirin, prenatal, and probiotic first thing since the Estradiol is time sensitive and taken every 12 hours. If I throw up the medication, which I'm not even sure how I'd track since it dissolves so quickly, do I need to repeat the dose?

(Source)

I called the nurse to ask and she said I'd need to repeat my lab work at the end of the week to see if my numbers are falling. It's not helpful if I throw up 15 minutes after taking my pills but we don't want to overdose since estrogen is a powerful hormone. I know 80% of women get morning sickness but my clinic seems to be a bit fussier about it. They asked me to try preggie pops and call back in 48 hours to report on the puking, which I hopefully will not be repeating.

Still, it's a small, welcome price to pay to have this little embie on board :) Anything for this little bean!

Over Achiever on Board!

We had our wonderful ultrasound yesterday and we officially have one over achiever on board! And a tired, slightly nauseous mama lol. Our little bean is growing right on time, they correctly measured 6 weeks 1 day yesterday which is fabulous and much to my amazed surprise, we actually saw a tiny heart beating away!

Everything looked good, the sac, yolk sac, fetal pole and tiny flickering heart. Now that we've seen a heart beat, even though it's only 6 weeks, Dr. D says that our miscarriage risk has dropped to 5%. It felt great to hear him say that but the anxiety is still there. Our next check in will probably be next week and I think I'm going to ask E to video the screen so I can peak back at that heartbeat whenever I want to.

Hi little bean :)

I hope one little bean means an easy, healthy pregnancy. I'm feeling a good deal of queasiness but haven't thrown up so I consider that a win. The bloating is also getting even more noticeable, even from last week to this week. Our embie is still tucked way behind my pubic bone but with all the progesterone I'm shoving up my girly bits, my stomach is huuuuuuge. I'm already getting looks from people side-eying my belly but my lips are sealed, we're planning to keep things under wraps for quite some time. I don't think we'll be announcing even a hint until after all our genetic testing and our anatomy scan at 20 weeks.

23dp5/6dt - Still Climbing

Today's labs showed that my HCG has risen to an impressive 39,071! Go, baby, go! Even more exciting is that tomorrow is the big day - our first ultrasound, our first real opportunity to take a peak and see what's going on in there. Although it's probably too early to see a heartbeat, I feel like actually seeing a pregnancy where it's supposed to be will help quell some of the anxiety I'm still wrestling with. I know it won't really go away, but I'd like to be able to breathe a little easier knowing things are progressing as they should be.

According to Betabase.info, if we've only got one little embie in there, they are still gunning for over achiever of the year award. We're still way ahead of average and my doubling time is only just slowing to 77 hours. If there's just the one, they mean business. I expect this kiddo to come out ready for college or at least ready for some serious nursing sessions.

If there are two, my anxiety is probably going to explode. I can only hope that both are strong enough to hang on, grow well, and not become a statistic. Our end goal is a healthy, living child and if we can get two out this experience, great. I just need them to stay off each others cords and do their best to grow and thrive.

Guess we (might) find out tomorrow! Of course there's always the possibility that it's too early, twins do have a knack for popping up in later scans, but we'll just have to wait and see. I'm hoping I can keep my coughing/hacking/snotting under control long enough to get some good photos.

21dp5/6dt - Cold

Hack. Cough. Snot. Sneeze.

This pregnancy cold is kicking my ass. I had an acupuncture session yesterday and was warned that it would make things worse before they got better but wow did they get bad. Itchy, sore throat, running and stuffy nose, headache from sinus pressure, sneezing and coughing from post nasal drip. It was miserable. Although I should change my official title to snot factory, I am doing a lot better today and I'm hoping that acupuncture at least helped shorten the duration of the cold. S told me that pregnancy colds can last twice as long and when Dr. D called to discuss our next appointment, he cheerfully apologized and told me that viruses love pregnant women!

Your immune system changes while pregnant to prevent your body from attacking the embryo, technically a foreign "other" hanging out in your uterus. This might as well paint a great big target on your back for even the weakest and most punny viruses to come have a go. I'm not even sure where I picked up the virus, as everyone I spend time with is still perfectly healthy. No, this virus is allllll for me.

Since I'm officially preggo and in the most delicate time period, I'm not allowed to take anything for a cold. To try and make things less miserable, I've been breaking out every pregnancy safe natural remedy I can think of to reduce symptoms.

• Gargling - This is pretty much the most effective thing you can do for a sore throat. Mine is both itchy and sore and I've been alternating gargling hot water mixed with a splash of sea salt or apple cider vinegar. The vinegar is particularly unsavory, especially if you're already sensitive to odors, but it does help. I do this as needed, depending on how bad it is the gargling usually relieves symptoms for a couple of hours and I have to do it before bed or the itching keeps me up.
• Neti Pot - Now that my nose is a constant plugged/leaking faucet, this thing has been a lifesaver. It washes so much crap out of my nose that it's unbelievable and really helps me breathe. I've been using it a few times a day and especially before bed so I can get to sleep.
• Cough drops - S is really strict about medications including cough drops but she did say I could suck on pure menthol ones when my throat gets really bad. I definitely needed them yesterday when my throat was at its itchiest and I just wanted to stick a fork down there.
• Humidifier - I didn't use one the first day and sincerely regretted it when I couldn't get to sleep until after 3am because my throat was so sore and itchy. Since then I've had it running constantly with some menthol vapor that really soothes my nose and throat. I'm keeping it handy from now on, no going back into storage. 
• Tea and Soup - pretty much the only things that don't feel awful to swallow are tea and soup. E has kept me going with a constant supply of hot herbal tea and matzo ball soup and I am so, so grateful. Add a splash of lemon to the tea to cut the mucous and a little bit of honey to coat your throat and that's pretty much the best you can do. 

I'm crossing everything that this cold moves on swiftly and doesn't come back anytime soon. I really don't want my body under any stress while our little embie's organs are vulnerable and developing. I'm also coming up on the time when morning sickness usually starts and I can't imagine barfing with my throat already this sore. Hopefully any future illnesses can hold off until at least the second trimester when our little one is more developed.

19dp5/6dt - Happy Mother's Day

(source)

 Happy Mother's Day to all the mamas, soon to be mamas, pet mamas and future will be mamas!

Unfortunately for me, I started off my first soon to be mamas day with what is probably a cold. I can't figure out whether it's a regular cold (pregnancy suppresses the immune system) or just pregnancy expanding all my vessels which produces more mucous. I've got a killer sore throat so I'm thinking I might have some sort of post nasal drip thing going on and irritating it. Instead of going out to dinner tonight like we'd planned, E picked up some Matzo Ball soup for me which I ate before falling asleep on his arm and stomach. I'm pretty sure I drooled all over him, my nose started to plug up and I was sleeping with my mouth open, but he didn't move and let me sleep for a good two hours. I seriously love that man.

Since I'm pregnant I can't take anything for a cold. It's not fun, but honestly this is one cold I'm more than happy to just suffer through, I'm not willing to do anything that might damage our fragile embryo during such an important part of development. I can get some decent relief gargling hot water with a little apple cider vinegar but I made the last batch too strong and ended up gagging which was no fun. It works pretty well for at least an hour but I'm not sure I can pull it off with a more sensitive palate. 

In better news, I got a voice mail from the clinic confirming that they want to do my ultrasound at 6 weeks. I was thinking they'd wait for 6 weeks and a few days since we're more likely to see a heartbeat on the 18th at 6 weeks and 4 days but their message said 6 weeks exactly. I'm planning on giving them a call tomorrow and see if I can't get an appointment date so we have something concrete to wait for.

18dp5/6dt - Up, Up and Away!

Yes! I successfully had my labs run at Kaiser this morning and it didn't cost me $300! I'm so glad we were able to get them ordered in time, although it turns out they accidentally got put in as routine instead of STAT. The lab was able to get the HCG back today since they run that on location, but my estrogen and progesterone had to be sent out to their main lab about 30 min away. Considering that they don't do pick up until 12:30 and tomorrow is a Sunday, I think it's unlikely that we'll have those numbers before Monday. I'm not super concerned about it since those hormones are pretty much set by the 4mg Estradiol and 200mg Endometrin I'm taking each day.


 So, at 18dpt or 23dpo my HCG is an impressive 13,024! Going back to betabase.info:

For a singleton pregnancy, we're still on the chart but getting even higher. Only 5.3% of singleton pregnancies reported have an HCG about equal or higher to mine at 23dpo. 

For a twin pregnancy, we're in the high average. 34.6% of twin pregnancies have an HCG about equal or higher. We're actually at the high end of the average group too, another 700 points and and we'd be in the 9.8% of reported twin pregnancies with betas over 13,723 today. That's really only the difference between a morning and afternoon beta.

My doubling time is also still really fast. Usually things have started to slow down just a little bit by 5 weeks but my body clearly didn't get the memo.

At 40 hours, only 14% of reported single pregnancies have a doubling time equal or faster while 52% of reported twin pregnancies have an equal or faster rate.

I know it's entirely pointless to speculate about 1 or 2 at this point, but our ultrasound isn't for another 9 or 10 days and that's a long time to be left wondering. We put in one embryo with the hope that we'd get one baby, the idea that there could potentially be two in there has got us all thrown off. E has always teased me that the only way we'd have three children would be if we had one set of twins. I had thought that option was lost to us, at least without another round of IVF  and assuming we could have any at all, and the idea that the universe might be orchestrating some twins for us after all is wonderful.

17dp5/6dt - OB Labs

As I mentioned in my previous post, once we got our first positive beta we officially completed the protocol for our frozen embryo transfer. This is pretty standard protocol, I knew that our FET fee wouldn't cover our ultrasounds but somehow I got my wires crossed and thought that it would cover all our betas and hormone tests. That was a $450 surprise and both the clinic and I were hoping to avoid more expenses like that if possible.

Since E and I have Kaiser, our insurance should cover all prenatal care - labs, ultrasounds and appointments. However, since our plan is an HMO, they won't cover any outside care that isn't an emergency even when it's prenatal. Darn. The ultrasounds we can't get around because Dr. D has to check up on our little embie himself, but any lab can run blood tests. So, today Dr. D's nurse sent over a lab order and I had the pleasure of figuring out how to translate that order into the Kaiser system.

I think at a regular lab, I'd just hand this slip over. Not so at Kaiser :/

Unfortunately, my first and second choices for getting the labs ordered were unavailable. Both my acupuncturist (and Kaiser nurse midwife) and OB/GYN were out of the office today and wouldn't be back until Monday. My labs needed to be drawn on Saturday so that wouldn't work. My next option was to leave a message for the on call OB, which I did, but didn't feel particularly confident about it since I don't know them. After waiting a couple hours and not hearing back from them, I went for the last resource I could think of, the Kaiser infertility department.

Unlike most departments of Kaiser that prefer you contact them through the general number, the infertility department gives patients a direct line. While I was doing my IUIs with them, I never had to fuss with an automated system or tell the general system receptionist what I was trying to do. There was always a nurse or assistant on the other end of the line and there was one there today when I called almost a year to the day after my first IUI baseline appointment. I explained everything to them, that I had done IUIs there a year ago, moved on to IVF and now that I had a positive beta I was looking everywhere for someone to order tests for me. They were predictably awesome.

Two minutes on hold, during which two other nurses picked up to see if I was a new caller who needed something, and my labs were ordered. Thanks Kaiser Infertility. I should have called you guys straight away, IUI might not have worked for me but you've been awesome from the very beginning.

I hope these lovely dark lines translate into a super high beta tomorrow. I think we're shooting for something around 6,000 but I'm not completely sure. I think doubling times are supposed to slow to 72-96 hours from 48-72 hours between 5 and 6 weeks. 

16dp5/6dt - Mourning for a Friend

Today, I am mourning for a friend. In an incredibly cruel twist of fate, one of my best friends lost her seemingly healthy baby at almost 14 weeks. With 12 weeks usually regarded as the safe zone, it caught everyone completely off guard. Her previous pregnancies were healthy, all previous appointments had been fine, there was no warning or reasoning - just a fluke occurrence that no one could have prevented. 

Growing new life is such a fragile thing. An incredibly complex process where so many things can go wrong, it's amazing that any of us are here. Even when development looks smooth, one foot can slide out of place and the entire dance is lost. Her loss is a sobering reminder that anything can happen. I hope she and her family are able to get some answers, grieve and heal. 

E and I are still so early in our process that it's difficult to accept it and believe that everything is alright. I look at the birth boards and groups I should be joining for January babies and it looks like a different world - a place were people get pregnant easily, where genetic carriers and IVF/PGD don't exist, where all pregnancies yield a healthy baby.  I don't belong there. I still expect to walk into the ultrasound and see empty sacs or have someone jump out and say "just kidding!".  

The anxiety has been tough lately, throwing me off because I'm not usually an anxious person, and I know I need to work harder on living "today". Anything can happen tomorrow, we could have a healthy baby or babies, empty sacs, a miscarriage at 14 weeks - but today I AM pregnant. Two lines keep showing up every morning, even when the test is a crappy one (I'm looking at you 15dp6dt test - damn your crappy dye lot!). 

Today I am exactly 5 weeks pregnant. According to the www.ivf.ca calculator, cardiac contractions should have begun yesterday in our teeny tiny embryo(s). As long as everything is going okay in there, we should be able to see a heart beat around the 18th. I can't wait to see that tiny flicker. 

15dp5/6dt - Am I Pregnant Today?

This morning, I slept in an extra hour and 45 minutes. I took a test, because I do every morning now, and the test line had somewhat crappy dye uptake. I ate left overs for breakfast, ate a real lunch and tried to snack all day long. I still had heartburn, I don't think I can do anything else about that, but I wasn't starving and I didn't get super exhausted.

Most people would say that's an improvement, a good day because I stayed ahead of things and felt pretty good. For me, with infertility PTSD, my first instinct is to assume there's something wrong.

What if my pregnancy is a chemical?

What if there were two and I'm losing one?

What if my HCG is too high and it's a molar pregnancy? 

What if I'm not pregnant anymore?

After everything we've been through, even with no real supportive evidence, I can't help but assume that something is/will go wrong. I don't know how to relax or how to believe that I'm really pregnant and this worked. How to accept that crappy dye uptake on a STILL POSITIVE pregnancy test could mean anything other than the test is cheap. What kind of crazy person assumes that they've lost a pregnancy because they're not super exhausted that day? It couldn't possibly be the almost 2 extra hours of sleep I got, nooooo. There must be something wrong.

I don't know when this anxiety goes away. When we make it past 12 weeks? When we make it to viability? When I actually have them safely in my arms? Will it ever go away or will it follow me into motherhood, sneaking up in the middle of the night, telling me to check my child(ren)'s breathing? Infertility has been our reality for so long, it colors everything I do.

I'm trying to take things one day at a time. I wish I could look through a peep hole into my uterus to to make sure everything is okay in there. I don't think I can wait 2 more weeks for an ultrasound to see if there are actually bab(ies) in there or if this has all been some sort of cruel joke.

14dp5/6dt - Tricky Baby?

The more I look at my beta numbers, the more I wonder if we don't have a little tricky baby in there. My beta started off high but this last one has gone way up and now I'm giving serious thought to the possibility that there could be two in there - identical twins.

We transferred a Blastocyst so if we had twins, they would have split after day 6

In general, HCG numbers in PGD pregnancies tend to be on the lower side. It's most likely due to the biopsy of the embryo since they're removing cells that would otherwise be producing HCG in early pregnancy. When you remove those cells, the embryo takes a bit longer to bounce back and regrow enough cells to produce high numbers of HCG. It could also be the result of late implantation too, for the same reason really, the embryo needs to bounce back a little before it can successfully implant. Clearly, this hasn't been the case for me. Even my doubling time seems to be ahead of schedule, normal is 48-72 hours and thus far mine has been 35.34 hours.

Betabase.info Doubling calculator

With a beta number of 1642 at 13dp5dt or 18dpo, this puts us in the above, above average category for a singleton pregnancy. With 192 ladies sharing the same range, it's not unheard of but it is significantly higher than average. Only 229/2751 singleton pregnancies had numbers as high as mine or higher, that's only 8.3%.  Again, not impossible, but certainly not common.

If there's only one in there, they sure are an over achiever!

Although the percentage is small, it's believed that biopsying an embryo slightly increases the odds that it will split into monozygotic or identical twins. The theory is that by manipulating the embryo via cell removal and piercing the shell, you're making it more likely for the zygote to split clean in half and develop into two separate babies - either Mono/Di or Mono/Mono twins. Mono/Di twins have their own amniotic sacs but share the same placenta, while Mono/Mono twins share the same amniotic sac and placenta. You can also have Di/Di identical twins when the embryo splits early on, at the morula stage. Those babies actually have their own placentas since they split before they implanted. Mono/Mono twins carry a great number of risks, it's a lot to ask one amniotic sac to hold two babies plus the increased likelihood twin to twin transfusion syndrome (TTTS), cord problems and circulatory problems. Luckily, Mono/Mono twins usually only account for 3% of identical twins. Mono/Di twins are also at risk for TTTS but having their own amniotic sacs offers some protection. Mono/Di babies are often misdiagnosed as Mono/Mono early in the pregnancy because the dividing membrane can be tough to see until later on.

My beta seems a lot more at home in this chart

Looking at the twins beta chart, my numbers are a much better fit within the normal averages. 410/1442  twin mamas had numbers as high as or higher than mine which is 28%, a number that makes a lot more sense than 8%. If we'd transferred two embryos there'd be no doubt in my mind that there's two in there, but with identicals still being such a small percentage, I think it could go either way. Honestly, we'd be happy either way, with an over achieving singleton or a tricky baby that got bored and decided to split. I just want a nice, healthy, normal and boring pregnancy.

13dp5/6dt - Woah Beta!

This mornings beta looked just fabulous! I was hoping for at least 800 with an optimistic 1200 but my HCG is officially 1642! Go little over achiever, go! My hormone levels looked good too, estrogen is 247 and progesterone is 24, and that's with just Endometrin, no progesterone in oil. Not bad for a natural transfer with no PIO!

I will never tire of peeing on these sticks #newhobby

The next check in is Saturday when they'll do another set of labs. The only bummer is that we've now officially completed our FET cycle so everything is charged by appointment again. Today's labs ran me $450 for HCG, progesterone and estrogen from today, and the Estrogen and Progesterone they added on to my last beta and forgot to charge me for. Going forward, that makes a regular appointment with labs and an ultrasound about $610 EACH time. Ouch. Still though, it's a really good problem to have. I'm going to see if I can have my labs run at Kaiser instead of the clinic since they'll cover 100% of them as part of my prenatal care.

As far as our ultrasound, it looks like we're going to have to wait a bit longer to take a peak at our embie baby. I had originally been told by a tech that we'd have one ultrasound at 5 weeks to confirm an intrauterine pregnancy and another between 6-7 weeks to measure the fetal pole, check out the yolk sac and maybe even see a heartbeat. Today the nurse said I'd have just the labs at the end of this week and then an ultrasound at around 6 weeks so it looks like we're skipping the 5 week one. I know it saves us a little money but it's a whooooole week longer I have to wait to lay eyes on this bub. It's crazy how we've been waiting so long for this and now 2 weeks seems like a lifetime away!

12dp5/6dt - Early Pregnancy Symptoms

Our trip to San Diego is winding down and I'm chilling in the hotel lobby since we had to check out of our room for the next guest. I was walking around the Gaslamp district, window shopping and sampling delicious snacks when the exhaustion hit and my body decided it's time for a nap.

I know I'm only like 2 seconds along but I have to say the pregnancy symptoms are real. Early first trimester ladies, I believe you.  Whatever combination of HCG, progesterone and estrogen that is currently marinating my brain is enough to make a noticeable difference in daily life. Far from finding it annoying, I'm actually relishing each little symptom that reminds me we really have a little embryo in there. They're real :)

Now since I've never been pregnant naturally, I don't know how much of the noticeable stuff is due to the embryo and HCG and how much is a side effect of the progesterone. 

The biggie for me is fatigue. After walking around or doing anything, I need a nap. I'm peeing all the time, which isn't too far out of the norm, and I'm noticing a little queasiness, heartburn and some burpy-ness when I wait too long to eat. I'm also crazy hungry, especially in the mornings when I don't usually like to eat.  My belly is still massive, but that's definitely the progesterone since our embie is still tucked behind my pubic bone. The weirdest is probably a little pregnancy brain. This one I really didn't believe, but I'm having little moments where I forget something stupid that I'd never forget. Those are the most obnoxious because I'm not a forgetful person and I really don't want to be. 

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As it turns out, I was too tired to actually post this earlier, oops. Now we're back home, safe and sound, and I'll admit that the first thing I did when I walked through the door was pee on a stick.

Thank goodness it's still positive. I didn't have any tests with me in San Diego and it was killing me to not know what was going on in there and if my HCG is still going up. Tomorrow morning is our second beta and with that line getting darker, I have my hopes up that our number will be good. Betas double ever 48-72 hours so our number should come back at least 800.  I hope our little over achiever is doing their stuff!

10dp5/6dt - First Beta!

E and I went in for our first beta this morning! It was really quick, although it's usually busy on Fridays, the place was practically empty and there was no line for labs. We hopped on the road shortly thereafter and headed for San Diego with our nurse's promise that we'd get called with the beta results by the afternoon.

We were waiting and waiting and it was sometime after I'd made E stop so I could pee that we finally got the call.

Our first beta is positive! My HCG is 400!

I was hoping for/expecting a positive beta given our home tests, but 400 completely blew me away. So many of my fellow IVF/FET ladies have numbers around 100-200 so I was definitely not expecting 400. Wow, we clearly have a little over achiever nice and cozy in there.

Our next beta is Monday since we'll still be out of town on Sunday. Dr. D wasn't concerned about the extra day, he said they often worry when a first beta comes in at 20 or 30, but at 400 he expects things to progress well. We'll confirm doubling time on Monday and then, fingers crossed, have our first ultrasound two weeks later. Each step is like a weight off my shoulders, another positive sign that our little embie is sticking things out. And as a bonus, if all looks good and my estrogen and progesterone are holding up well at our ultrasound, they can start weaning me off the Estrace and Endometrin early!

Now that it's evening and the positive is soaking in, E has gone off to work the game and I'm settled comfortably into our hotel. They upgraded us from a standard room to a one bedroom suite so I have my pick of the bed, two arm chairs or a large, squishy couch. It's a good thing too, I haven't done much today but I think I could use a nap.

View from the couch :)

And before I forget, I gave the CozyFolk liner a try today and it is so, so comfortable. I don't know how the edges would hold up to blood, but they're so soft and just blend right in to your undies. Definite thumbs up.

9dp5/6dt - Still two lines!

I tested again this morning with another crappy old cheapie since the tests that bestie mailed still haven't arrived. One package has literally been sitting and collecting dust in my local FedEx office but they won't let me go pick it up. Super annoyed with FedEx right now. Even though yesterdays tests were positive, I think I held my breath from the appearance of the control line to the moment the second line popped up. It still feels surreal, though I'm doing my best to enjoy it in the here and now.

The lines look purple because I took the photo after the tests were dry. I think the lines are getting darker!

I also received my cloth pad order from Cozy Folk! I took a chance and ordered a couple postpartum/overnight sized pads along with my liners, telling myself that I could always use them just as overnight pads. If all continues to go well, I'll actually get to use them postpartum :) I bought two 14" heavies and two 12" moderates. The colors and patterns are super bright and adorable but her design is something I've never seen before!

Two 14" on the left, two 12" on the right

I'm not sure if you can tell because I snapped these photos quickly but her pads are backed in Wind Pro fleece with a raw edge. The backing extends past the core as it does in most pads, but instead of continuing the absorbent top material to the edge, she finishes the top fabric edges a couple cms in from the backing edges. I think this is done to prevent leaking off the edge, the backing fabric is water resistant so it won't absorb any liquid, although the single layer around the edges feels somewhat flimsy and floppy compared to the double layers on other pads. In theory, I think liquid will bead and head towards the core and the soft edges will probably be pretty comfortable.

For liners, I decided to try minky, which is especially stain resistant, because I ordered them before I started the Endometrin. I think they'll be just fine and comfy but my plain cotton topped liners have actually been the best for Endometrin thus far. As it dissolves, the pill comes out as a sort of chalky, powdery paste that gets caught in the fibers of longer fabrics but rinses easily off plain, flat cotton. I actually prefer the flannel for my period, but thus far the smooth cotton fabrics win for suppositories. I'll have to see how the minky does tomorrow.

Sorry for the crappy photo!

More importantly, tomorrow is my first official beta! I've been trying to keep my mind off of it so I stay relaxed but it's much easier said than done. I'm not really nervous, but I feel like I'm filled with restless energy. I keep sitting down and then popping back up and I can't seem to settle down.  Unfortunately, walking around a lot seems to give me more little cramps so I feel reluctant to get it out by taking the dog for a walk or something similar.  I might try packing since E and I are heading to San Diego for a couple days for E's work. I'm hoping relaxing in the hotel will be a nice distraction to waiting for my levels to rise for the next anticipated beta on Monday. Or I could end up pacing the room, sitting down and popping back up just like I'm doing here. When does it stop? When my betas rise correctly? When we see a heartbeat? When we get to 12 weeks? When do I relax, or do you never really relax after IVF?