Nervous

Oh man, I'm feeling so nervous about tomorrow. It doesn't do me any good to speculate on the next ultrasound but that logic hasn't stopped me from running through all the "what ifs...?" in my head.

• What if we have even less follicles than yesterday? 
• What if the follicles aren't growing?
• What if all the follicles arrested?
• What if Dr. D wants to cancel the cycle?
• And in that vein, if he does want to cancel, how much will we be out?

I tried to talk over the possibility of having to cancel with E, just as a "what if" since he won't be at the appointment with me tomorrow but he didn't take it well. I was trying to figure out the numbers in my head and led with a figure waaaay higher than the actual amount, making him panic and freak out. Not at all helpful and not at all my intention. Crap.

I'm trying to be positive and hopeful that these 5 follies I have will look wonderful and mature and have healthy, perfectly fertilizing and growing eggs in them. That said, I can't not consider all the possibilities when the cycle looks so disappointing compared to last time. I think if Dr. D were going to cancel he would/should have done so already, instead of letting me stim for almost two weeks, so I don't see this happening. But, if we do have to cancel, the cycle rolls over and we are out the services/medications that we have already used. For this cycle, that would be:

• All monitoring appointments that I've had including ultrasounds and labs
• All medication I've used thus far 

This would leave quite a bit left to roll over:

• ICSI take two which we've already paid for
• Embryo Biopsy
• Egg Retrieval with anesthesia etc 
• Cryopreservation and storage
• Any unused medication, in this case it would be just the Novarel and a day of Menopur
• Any unused money ear marked for monitoring 

So really, it could be worse. If for some reason I walk in tomorrow and they say we need to cancel, we wouldn't be paying for the entire cycle all over again. It would just suck incredibly, but not as much as going ahead and getting no embryos.

Come on follicles. Come on eggs. I need you to be good and healthy in there. I don't think E could take cancelling a cycle and I couldn't handle giving up on getting more embryos to test. I've put too much of myself, my marriage, my heart, my hope, my love, my health, my body, into this to give up on one crappy cycle.

Disappointing Ovaries

Today we had another ultrasound and I'm trying really hard not to be super bummed. My right side, which is usually packed full of beautiful follicles, has basically pooped out in the most disappointing fashion. My left side is definitely more dominant this time and is picking up a bit of the slack, but not quite enough.

I was so bummed and distracted that I didn't take a legible photo of our sticky note to post. So, I decided to rewrite a more festive version to bring in some positive vibes. Last cycle we had 10 follies at this point and as you can see, we only have 6 this time and they're on the small and peaky side. My estrogen came in supporting their scrawniness at only 486 so we've still got a long way to go. 

Since the follies are coming along so slowly, I'm going to need to stim for longer than I'd planned. I bought enough Menopur for 11.5 days, through Saturday morning, and the nurse suggested that I'd need enough to get through the weekend. That means three more 5 vial boxes of Menopur from the Kaiser pharmacy for a total of just shy of $900. I was short on Omnitrope as well, I only bought enough for 8 days instead of 12 with the increased dosage, so I picked up a third cartridge of that which Kaiser was wonderful enough to cover for the second time. Small victories, I'll take them where I can get them.

Last night was also day one of Cetrotide and I'd managed to forget in the past 5 weeks how badly this stuff itches. It only lasts about 2 hours but my skin turns red, swells up like crazy and I feel like I need to scratch my skin off. I also hate the pre-filled syringes it comes with, they never prime properly and always leave a nasty bruise. Instead, I prefer to inject the liquid into the powdered vial, switch it out for a regular 3ml syringe, use the included mixing needle, and use one of my own 27 1/2 gauge needles to inject.  My 3ml locking syringes are always reliable, easy to prime, and the 27 1/2 needles almost never bruise like the too small 30 gauge or too long 27 3/4 needles. The smaller needles cut capillaries = bruise and the longer needles are the same thickness but go just deep enough to bruise too. Bleh.

I just finished injecting tonight's meds and I'm wishing, hoping, and praying that more follies pop up and that they all mature. I don't think the cycle is poor enough to cancel but I'm so worried we won't get enough mature ones to get our good embryos. Come on ovaries, you can go it. Grow follies, grow!

Less Than Awesome Ultrasound

So this mornings ultrasound appointment was less than ideal. At this point in our first IVF cycle, we had at least 8 follies 10-13mm and a 9th slightly smaller than 10mm. Today we had only 5 follicles in the 10-14mm range, 3 follicles a bit less than 10mm and 2 less than 5mm. My right side, which is usually my best producer, is basically crapping out at the moment and I'm super disappointed in it.

I was hoping for a bit better :(

Every cycle is different so it's really tough to compare one to another but I can't help over analyzing everything I've done differently. For example, I suppressed for two days longer. I took Tylenol for cramps while on my birth control pills and tums for heart burn.  I was late yesterday for my shot by 30 min. I'm taking the higher, correct dose of Omnitrope. I'm using Italian Menopur instead of UK Menopur.

Realistically, I think the difference is probably from the extra birth control but there's nothing I can do at this point. I just have to hope that a few more follies pop up and the ones we can see grow into beautiful, healthy, mature eggs. I'm going to be adding in my Cetrotide tomorrow since the follies weren't big enough today and my next appointment will be Wednesday. Fingers and toes crossed!