Going back to go forward

The end of November is here and E finally got the chance to see the new urologist. I, of course, had jury duty all day so he had to go by himself. We arranged to keep me on speakerphone, since facetime wasn't private enough, so I could at least listen in on the appointment and hear everything first hand. It was quite awkward pacing the courthouse halls talking about motility, count and the failure of my ovaries, but I'm glad I got to participate.

Even though we've run a whole host of tests, this new urologist wants two more semen analysis tests and another set of labs. E started the blood work and we have a specific schedule for the SAs, I think they're going to be more detailed tests this time. Our last Kaiser SA reported 0 as "less than 2 million" so the new urologist thinks it wasn't a sensitive enough test. Like just about everything in the infertility process thus far, it could turn out to be a good thing or a bad thing.

E might not have a 0 count which would mean he can produce sperm which would be amazing! However it would also mean that there isn't something correctable like a blockage that we could reverse easily to get him to a normal count. There's also the concern about motility though, which suggests that the sperm he's producing isn't viable. It all points to IVF again, so while the particulars have changed, I think the end result is the same. 

Our next appointment is for me on the 29th. I think it's going to be another general "this is how the infertility process goes, these are the tests we run" even though we have already had that conversation with several different doctors. At least I was able to get our records faxed over.

I know the infertility process isn't going to be easy, but I sure wish it was less repetitive.

Bad News and (Not So) Easy Choices

This morning, or more accurately this afternoon, E and I went in for our infertility consultation. Even though I tried to be optimistic, it was disheartening to have our challenges laid out so plainly. The RE went over all our test results and all our options, which are extremely limited. Because E has such severe male factor infertility, we can only go with IVF. Because I have so few eggs, we can only go with IVF. So basically, even if we were only dealing with one form of infertility, we'd still need to do IVF to get pregnant.

Right now E is a bit of a wild card. We're not sure whether his sperm are non motile because they're dead, or because they're just lazy fuckers. Our doctor ran another SA on E and we should have those results tomorrow, but considering the poor quality of his boys overall, the doctor is suggesting that we split the eggs.

Lets say we retrieve 13 eggs, and 10 are mature enough to use. Our RE is suggesting that we use E's sperm for 5 of the eggs and donor sperm for the other 5. That way, if none of E's swimmers are able to produce viable embryos, we still have those 5 other hopefully good quality embryos to implant. If we didn't do this and none of E's swimmers were able to produce embryos, the cycle would be cancelled and we would be out all the money we had spent.

I am not in much better shape than E. I had my AFC and while my uterus looked just fine, my ovaries only had 7 antral follicles between them. That's a pretty awful number for a 26 year old, the RE was hoping to see more like 20, making my high FSH a fluke. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case, my awful numbers are accurate and I really am running out of eggs. Yay :(

Now we get to wait for a phone call tomorrow. If E's results are improved, we can proceed with IVF. If they're still awful, we need to seriously consider whether we're okay with using donor sperm.  E was really against it when we discussed it before, but it might be the only way we can achieve a viable pregnancy. It's a lot to deal with and we're going to have to do some real thinking.

Out of control

I think the most difficult part of the infertility process for me has been the loss of control. I'm one of those people who really doesn't like to be out of control and unfortunately, infertility is something I have absolutely no control over right now. Tomorrow is our first consultation with an infertility specialist where I'll have an AFC done, a ultrasound to count my resting follicles, and we'll be going over IVF and any other options. This whole process has been weighing on my mind, I even dreampt about it last night. The doctor was doing my ultrasound and telling me that actually my eggs were just fine and if we could simply make E's swimmers swim, we could do IUI instead. I'm not sure if I should be holding out hope for that, but I've got my fingers crossed.

If it were only the infertility, I would probably be able to handle it just fine, but instead we seem to have walked into a shit storm of problems. Over the weekend, my best friend J's mother had a stroke. She is like my other mother and it's really hard to see her so out of control too. The doctors originally said she'd be back to normal within a day or so, but now it looks like she will need a little more time to recover. A stroke, even a small one, is a big deal and should serve as a big warning to her that it might be time to slow down and take some time for herself.

Then, to add to the general stress, this morning I woke up with ringworm. That's right, I said RINGWORM. Weeks ago I brought Button to the vet because she wasn't feeling well. They ran some blood work and had to shave her chin to get access to a vein. A weekish later she had some fur loss and dry flaky skin on the back of her neck and chin so I called and asked if it could be something like ringworm. Our vet reassured us that it was just stress, which was easy to believe because she stressed herself out so much that she gave herself a fever, and directed me to put some neosporin on it. As it turns out, the clippers they used to shave her chin weren't completely sterile and she brought home ringworm along with a prescription for a new diet. Joy.

I for sure have ringworm where Button lays in my lap, and I may have some on my thigh as well. It's making me feel really gross and I was freaking out about the doctor tomorrow thinking I'm diseased until I realized that I could just put a band aid on it. I think it might be time for me to slow down and take a breath too -_-

That B*tch AF and Planning for Maybe Someday

AF arrived with a vengeance today that viciously stamped out any hope that we might still conceive on our own.   Even though I know, logically, that E's swimmers can't swim, everything about this month pointed to possible success. I was taking Metformin, FertilAid and FertilCm, we used Preseed, our timing was literally perfect.  I thought that maybe, just maybe, one really determined guy might have made it through. Plus, we just ordered a whole bunch of vitamins for E to improve his count and motility, and the laws of the universe clearly dictate that we should get pregnant right before we get a chance to use all those expensive goodies we already paid for. Apparently, E's swimmers didn't get the memo.

So after feeling miserable and sorry for myself most of the day, with the added PMS hormones making me feel like my chest was/is being crushed under the weight of my grief and yearning, I decided to distract myself with some photoshop decorating. I wanted to work on picking out a new aquarium to replace my current set up that is getting a bit old, but my mind was too stuck on babies.  I will blame the hormones again, but the truth is that it's difficult to think of much else these days, hormones or no.

I've mentioned before that I'm a bit of a planner. I like shopping in advance, prepping early, spreadsheets with color coded lists and goals and budgets. With this one track mind, I already have a vast amount of baby stuff stored that I've been buying over the past twoish years. I won't confirm its existence, but there might even be a list of every item organized by size and type so as to keep me from over buying in any one category.  First it was just a really adorable onesie or toy that was too cute to pass up and easy to put away for the future. Then several stores had unbelievable sales, there were some great craigslist finds, a fantastic thrift store and before I knew it I had amassed enough designer baby clothing to open a small boutique.

I have a very strong preference for gender neutral items and for the most part, didn't purchase anything that you couldn't put on a boy or a girl. There are a couple girly outfits, maybe 4? that I figured I could sell or gift if we don't have a little girl, but everything else is pretty neutral.  We could probably have twins tomorrow and have enough clothing to dress them until they're 2, with occasional gaps where one size category is a bit light. We also have my favorite LifeFactory bottles, some organic baby products, a couple blankets, some towels, some toys, even two terry cloth crib mattress covers. I freely admit that baby shopping was a form of birth control "we are waiting to have a child now, but I can buy this and know we'll be able to use it in the future!" and it has definitely helped me feel prepared and like we're making some sort of forward progression in the face of our complete lack of success.

Among my shopping goodies is the crib set and some nursery decor that I can't wait to use when we're finally successful. I fell in love with it the moment I saw it and haven't wavered in my desire to use it since. Using it as a starting point, E and I have already designed the nursery we'd like our future baby to have. Of course this was based around the idea that we'd have a singleton baby, but I'd feel perfectly comfortable adapting it to twins if we end up that lucky with IVF. Again, it's very gender neutral and it gives me hope that one day we'll have a baby to go with it.

I fully realize that it's kind of pathetic to be planning a nursery for a baby that doesn't and might never exist, but I have to hope that we will be successful eventually, even if we have to do multiple rounds of IVF. E and I want to be parents too badly to give up, however we have to build our family, and photoshopping our favorite items together made the weight crushing my chest feel a little lighter this evening. I think I might be a bit of an oddball here too, from my limited experience with the infertility world, it seems that most women find it too painful to see and interact with babies and the things that go along with them. I feel completely the opposite, spending time with my wonderful friends and their equally amazing kids makes me feel even more hopeful for the future instead of depressed about the present.

There's no denying that our fertility present sucks really, really hard right now, but someday in the not so distant future, I will be putting together this nursery for a little one of our own.

Two to Tango

Even though we know there's something definitely going on with me,  it takes two to tango and my doctor instructed us to set up a Semen Analysis for E. There is a male factor to infertility in 30% of cases, and another 30% where there is both a male and female factor. Our present insurance doesn't cover any aspect of infertility, so we had to go outside the system and visit a fertility clinic.

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While the staff at the clinic were very nice, I think it was definitely an unpleasant experience for both of us. Poor E had to become better acquainted with a cup than I'm sure he ever wanted to be, and I got to discuss out of pocket price scales for infertility treatment. I keep saying the word "Infertility" and expecting to become desensitized to the sting, but it still doesn't seem like I'm referring to myself. My family doesn't deal with "infertility", my mother had my sister and I at 34 and 38 without blinking, so what business do I have having problems at 26?

As it turns out, the clinic we chose for it's receptionist's kind phone voice, it's close location and low SA cost - only $125 instead of $225 like the bigger clinics, is not in our future insurance network. After a little prodding, they don't like giving out prices unless you're sitting in a closed appointment room, they told me that their IVF cycles are about $16,000 a pop with medication, while an IUI will only set you back about $1200. At this stage, they still don't know what's wrong with me or if E has something going on too, but my doctor seems to be hinting that we need to plan for trouble.

After a few minutes in the tidy but infertility filled waiting room, I also noticed that I felt a little bit out of place there.  All the other patients seemed to be business professionals with about 10-20 years on me and it really hit home again that most people don't have these issues at my age. E and I are still hoping to be younger parents, although that window is closing quickly, and I can't decide if it's a good thing that we're getting a jump on this problem early, or a bad thing that we're already here when we're both supposedly so young.

Our next step is basically to wait. Wait for the endocrinologist to get back to my Ob/Gyn about my screwed up hormones, wait for orders for more tests to be sent in, wait for the SA results to come in for E, and wait to find out why we can't seem to get pregnant.

A Fruitless Effort

Over the past year, there have been many things going on behind the scenes that I haven't been able to post about. Chief among those is E and I's unsuccessful attempt to start our family. E and I have kept things quiet mostly to preserve our privacy, but I think I'm ready to share a bit anonymously here to help process everything going through my mind. We have chosen to keep these issues private from our family in particular, since we want to surround ourselves with entirely supportive people now that we know we are going to be facing issues.

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E and I have been trying to have a baby for a little over a year now. Remember this post so long ago? Yeah, apparently it's coming true Naively, we thought it would be pretty easy. We have heard all our lives how we were each "first attempt" babies, so we had better be absolutely 100% sure we were ready before trying since it would happen immediately. We tried casually in the beginning, since after all, this baby making stuff is supposed to be fun! We relaxed, went on vacation and didn't think about it too hard. When that didn't seem to work, we progressed to taking things a bit more seriously. I started charting my BBT, we tried to plan better, and I thought for sure this would do the trick. Six months came and went, the national average time it takes most people to conceive, so we stepped things up again and I joined the gym and began taking fertility supplements to try and get healthier. Nine months passed, I added more supplements for both E and myself, and I confess I thought for sure we'd at least be preggo by now if we didn't already have a baby.

(Source)

Finally, we hit twelve months and it was time to make an appointment with my Ob/Gyn. I added OPKs (ovulation predictor kits - there's a lot of peeing on sticks in this TTC business) to my routine so I could bring her the most information possible and I went in for my first round of CD3 labs. Surprisingly, or not surprisingly, those labs came back with pretty discouraging results. It looked like there might be something wrong, but really, at only 26 years old, it had to be a fluke. My Ob/Gyn put me on Metformin, a diabetes drug that has the somewhat baffling side effect of improving your fertility, and assured me that I'd be knocked up in no time. Then she ordered another set of CD3 labs to contradict the flukey labs and, now in our 13th month, I went in again. Unfortunately, these results were even worse than the first set, and instead of calling to ease my mind, I got a call that my doctor is now officially "concerned".

I was hoping that all this testing would come back normal, and I'd get the usual "just relax" talks that everyone gives you when you reveal that you're having trouble getting pregnant. I really believed that if we could just de-stress, take a vacation and stop thinking about getting pregnant, that things would just "happen". Instead, my doctor is now throwing around phrases like Cortisol Disorder, Atypical Cushing's Disease and Premature Ovarian Failure.  They're really not sure what is going on with me, but it's officially not something that I can relax away :(

Baby Rabies

Lately E and I have been experiencing a serious case of baby rabies. I'm used to a low grade case of BR but it's definitely been working in overdrive these past couple weeks. It's probably due to our family planning discussions which are becoming more frequent, but I'm going to blame it on the insanely adorable baby clothes I've gotten my hands on and nursery planning even though we don't have a nursery.

As I mentioned previously, I found my old baby clothes and my mom's collection of awesome vintage wall letters. The baby clothes were cute but my inner mama bear wanted to dissect and sterilize everything before even considering using them for my kid. Plus a lot of the elastic was worn out and just yuck, apparently I stained everything I touched.

The real treasure for me is the vintage letter collection because I've been seriously loving on alphabet nursery walls and bam, there's one in my garage. A bunch of the letters are missing but I plan on having fun replacing them. My mom, although she runs hot and cold on the baby front, has also offered to find replacements which would be sweet as well since they were originally hers. They're actually cool enough that I'd hang them in the living room instead if they didn't fit into my hypothetical imaginary nursery.

Please excuse the backwards J. And missing dot i. And are Z and N switched?

On the shopping front, I have a serious weakness for organic cotton and bright, preferably gender neutral prints. One of my favorite discount stores has recently had a bunch of Eleanor Organic, Trumpette and Zutano baby clothes.  I pretty much adore those brands, and at super low prices I couldn't let them get away. We're not expecting and won't be for a little while yet, but I don't mind storing a few boxes pieces if they're good quality and mostly gender neutral.

Can you see how hard it would be to resist the cuteness? They are definitely my dirty little secret, who buys baby clothes before there's a baby? They practically make my ovaries hurt just looking at them, and I got them for a fabulous price. They make great additions to the shower baskets I love to make for friends babies so I don't feel so bad about buying them. Plus, they're so fun and colorful that they make an excellent decoration above my new red storage shelf.