Love is a Verb

I came across an article on Facebook this afternoon that I almost didn't click on. It was called "I Didn't Love My Wife When We Got Married". My first thought was "Well why did you get married then??" but it was an intriguing title and hooked me just enough to click the link. I casually read through it, pausing at the point where the writer talks about his accelerated courtship, and began to pay a bit more attention when he talked about how the fire of a new relationship died away in the face of practical daily life.

I’m a ridiculous, emotional, over-sentimental sap.  I guess that’s why I told my wife I loved her on our second date.

I had tried really hard up to that point to hold it back, honestly.  I wanted to tell her on the first date, but I knew that would probably be weird.

I still remember her reaction.  She kind of gave me this half-shy, half-amused smile.  Then she nodded and looked off into the sky.

I wasn’t heartbroken by the response.  I think part of me recognized that she was much smarter and more modest than me.

But as time has gone on, I also realized that she knew something that I didn’t.
Like most Hasidic Jews (we both became religious later in life), our dating period lasted a very short time.  After two months of dating, we were engaged.  Three months after that, we were married.

And that whole time I was swooning.  This fire was burning in me, a fire that burned just like that second date: I was in love.

But then we got married, and everything changed.

Marriage, quicker than I was ready for, did this thing: it started sucking away that emotion.

I tried so hard to keep that fire going, to keep that emotion alight, but it got harder and harder.

I mean, how you can feel that burning love when you’re sitting at the table discussing how to use the last twenty dollars in your bank account?
How can you feel it when you get into an argument?
How can you feel it when you think it makes perfect sense to put your socks on the floor after you’re done with them, and she has this crazy idea that they need to go in the laundry basket?

There was no way I could keep that dating fire burning as practicality invaded our lives.
And at first, it drove me nuts.  That emotion meant love!  That excitement was how I knew I cared for her!  But suddenly, life was this grind.  Even when I was with her.  Especially when I was with her.

And even worse, it seemed that the harder I tried to be sentimental and lovey-dovey, the less it was reciprocated.

E and I were together for 9 years before we got married and I think a huge part of our relationship is explained by the idea that love is a verb. We started dating when we were only teenagers, a bit selfish and certainly swayed by that burning fire of new romance. I think we may have felt even more of that passion than some people, since our relationship developed first as a teenage love and then later as a more adult love. I "fell in love" with handsome and funny E in high school, and then all over again mature and charming E in college. I won't lie and say we didn't have some serious pitfalls along the way - after all, growing up is tough to do when you only have to think about yourself and your own feelings, let alone another person - but it wasn't until our relationship became "boring" that I think we truly fell in love.

But it wasn’t that she wasn’t giving me love, it just seemed to come at different times.
Like, when I offered to do the dishes.  Or make dinner after she had a hard day.  Or, once we had a daughter, when I shared the responsibility of watching over her.

I don’t think I noticed this consciously for a while.  It just kept happening.

But I think it had an effect on me.  Because as our marriage progressed, I found myself offering to help out around the house more and more.

And after each time, there would be this look she would give me.  This look of absolute love.  One that was soft and so beautiful.

It took me longer than I care to admit to understand what was happening.

But eventually it became clear.  Through giving, through doing things for my wife, the emotion that I had been so desperately seeking naturally came about.  It wasn’t something I could force, just something that would come about as a result of my giving.
In other words, it was in the practicality that I found the love I was looking for.
And what was even more interesting was that once I realized this on a conscious level, and started trying to find more opportunities to give, the more we both, almost intuitively, became lovey-dovey.

And now, as I’m a bit older and a bit more experienced with this relationship, I’ve finally come to realize something. Something I haven’t wanted to admit for a long time, but is undeniable.

I didn’t love my wife on that second date.
I didn’t love her when we got engaged.
I didn’t even love her when we got married.

Because love isn’t an emotion.  That fire I felt, it was simply that: emotional fire.  From the excitement of dating a woman I felt like I could marry.  But it wasn’t love.
No, love isn’t an emotion or even a noun.  It’s a verb.  Better defined as giving.  As putting someone else’s needs above your own.

Why wasn’t I getting reciprocal lovey-doveyness when we were first married?  Because it wasn’t for her.  It was for me.  An emotion I had in my chest.
And even when I let it out of my chest, it wasn’t love.
Being sappy isn’t love.  Telling someone you love them doesn’t mean that you do.
And that’s why my wife just gave me that half-smile.  She knew, even if I didn’t, what love really is.

Read the rest of the article here.

I've been told that my relationship with, and now my marriage to, E is "boring" on more than one occasion.  I usually shug it off because really, the flashy passion of a new relationship is much easier to see and explain than the quiet love in an old one. In our house, love is emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the potty box or folding the laundry. It's picking up E's Fav Red Starburst or putting his registration sticker on because he hates doing it. Sure there are romantic dinners and date nights out, but there's nothing sexier than a man who will clean the potty box without being asked.  While it's a little sappy, and I still find Disney movies sweet, I do think this particular author is able to capture the giving action of love with honesty and clarity.

Now if only E and I could get a chance to fall in love all over again over changing diapers and late night feedings. We're still waiting to hear back from the endocrinologist and fertility clinic but hopefully we'll have good news soon.