The First (Injection) is the (Hardest), Baby I Know

After the disaster of an afternoon, I was hoping to relax, take my amazingly donated Menopur and lay low. I laid everything out as instructed and began mixing all my vials.

One dose of Menopur

Since my ovaries are unlikely to respond well to stimulation, I'm taking 4 vials of menopur in 1cc of sodium chloride. The Menopur comes with this awesome little Q cap that allows you to draw up the liquid, inject it into the first vial of powder, mix it up, draw up the liquid, inject it into the next vial and so on and so forth. I'm taking 4 vials, so I do that 4 times.

This process I'm very comfortable with.  I've worked in several different labs and I mixed everything up methodically and with little thought. Sterilize the tops, mix the liquid, prep the syringe and pop on the needle. It was a perfect syringe, no bubbles, precisely measured and ready to go. Except this time, I wouldn't be injecting a mouse or one of my cats, I'd be injecting my own pinched belly.

I took a breath, moved the needle close to my sterilized skin, counted 1, 2, 3 and Lost. My. Shit.  I deal with our infertility by intellectualizing it, researching, and telling myself we'll be a positive statistic. After today, all my emotions were lurking just below the surface and I couldn't distance myself. I looked at that needle and the full weight of everything we're going through, the very likely possibility of having to terminate the baby conceived with some other woman's generously donated Menopur, hit me smack in the face. I completely broke down, started sobbing, and had to put the cap back on my injection.

Teensy needle, why do you (emotionally) hurt so much?

I texted E, who was wonderfully sweet and supportive, but who wouldn't be home from work until after 11. I paced, I cried, I tried to settle myself down with some music, but nothing was working. The first IUI appointment, the pharmacy problems and my mother's questioning weakened my barriers enough for one, tiny little needle to break down my carefully built walls like a bulldozer.  It was bad.

I'd say it took me about an hour to stop crying, pull my shit together and just give myself the shot. Four sequences of sterilizing, uncapping, pinching, recapping, crying, and attempting to process what this little shot symbolizes before I could take control and do it.

Realistically, these Sub Q injections aren't bad. The needle is so tiny and sharp that you barely feel it going in. Actually injecting the liquid is fairly uncomfortable, you have to go really, really, really slowly, and it dose burn a little as well. Overall it was slightly physically uncomfortable but not horrible, and probably wouldn't be too bad emotionally if you aren't brutally shoving your feelings down in an attempt to cope. The spot is still sore a hour later, so I wouldn't go to the gym right after, but it's nothing terrible.

Advice for those just starting out: The shot doesn't hurt badly, but if you're not emotionally coping with your infertility, have someone help you with the first injection.