Money Matters

As we get closer and closer to the wedding, I'm really going out of my way to try and pin people down for the things they've agreed to pay for. Some people like my aunt have been utterly amazing, offering to pay for even more things when she sees that we're struggling. She's really been a life saver and we need to think of a super creative way of thanking her. Other people like my honey's mom have been not as helpful and it's starting to make me a bit worried and stressed.

Me: Ahhh what do you mean you don't want to pay for the food, we already sent Save the Dates to 200+ people!

To give some back story, my honey's mom helped send us to Europe where he proposed. The trip was supposed to be his graduation gift for graduating college but he ended up taking it a little bit later. It cost a fairly sizable amount of money (for me) but we went during the off season and stayed in the cheapest places possible. We also flew the cheapest flights and took the cheapest trains and buses to really keep costs down. Our hotels and transportation, planes, trains, and busses came to $1420.94. With the spending money she gave my honey, I think the trip topped out at about two thousand dollars which is pretty amazing for a 17 day trip to Europe. I'm quite proud of myself for planning that trip and it's an experience my honey and I will never forget.

While we're forever indebted to her for helping us pay for the trip as his graduation gift, there was never any discussion that some assistance on our trip would negate any duties she might have for the wedding. In addition, somewhere in her head she decided that traditionally the groom's family is only responsible for the rehearsal dinner. I don't know what etiquette book she read, but when my grandparents got married my grandpa was responsible for a whole lot more than the rehearsal dinner. He and his family paid for the rehearsal dinner, the rabbi, the alcohol, the flowers, the transportation, the honeymoon, the photographer, the bride's rings, the marriage license and all the groom's and groomsmen's attire. My grandma's family paid for the ceremony and reception hall, the reception dinner, and the bride's dress. That was 1949, ie a really really long time ago when people followed tradition fairly rigidly. They were even set up by their mother's who met on a bench on the pier in Brooklyn and upon hearing that they both had single children decided to arrange a date.

When I look up traditional wedding etiquette rules, pre-photography old school rules, the Groom's family was expected to pay for:

- The Bride's rings
- The Groom's and Groomsmen's attire
- The marriage license
- The rabbi
- The rehearsal dinner
- The alcohol for the reception
- The transportation for the groomsmen to the wedding
- The get away car
- The honeymoon

Nowadays, I don't know of a single wedding that's not paid for equally by both families. Weddings are really expensive and it takes both families working together to pull them off. I thought it was just basic common knowledge but apparently it's not.

Thus far, we've asked my honey's mom to please pay for:

- The Reception Food 
For our reception, we picked a local Italian restaurant with incredibly affordable catering. A tray of delicious ravioli, our vegetarian option, for 20 people is about 80 dollars. We're only having two small appetizers and salad or soup.

- The Wedding Cake
Again, we went budget. After tasting and pricing a variety of different cakes and bakeries, we settled on a private baker who would provide us with a big tasty cake for much less than other bakeries. It will be 500 for a three tier masterpiece.

- The Alcohol
This was a tentative request that we made only after pricing it out. We picked a red and a white wine from Whole foods for 17 dollars per case of 6 bottles. We're getting a keg of light and a keg of dark beer for 75 dollars apiece. Champagne will probably be about 200 since it's always more expensive. There will be no hard alcohol.

- The Rehearsal Dinner
For the dinner we're thinking pizza for everyone. We don't need anything fancy and would be happy to just be with our people before the wedding.

I don't feel like we're being unreasonable but to hear her talk it's like we're asking her to buy us a house. My honey's remarried step dad will be covering the location, staff, rentals and set up and my family is covering all the rest like the photographer, the photobooth, the candy bar for favors, the flowers, the hair and make up for the bridal party, the invites and stationary as well as the countless other expenses that crop up. My honey and I are paying for the rings, the rabbi, the ketubah, and the groomsmen and bridesmaids gifts. My aunt is generously paying for the dress and bridesy stuff. I feel like everything is fairly well balanced without any one person being given too many responsibilities but his mom still isn't happy. I'm not sure what to do and now that the wedding is only 4 months away I feel like people shouldn't have offered to pay for things if they didn't want to and any issues should have been discussed before we sent save the dates to 200+ people who have now booked flights and hotels. I'm not a bridezilla but I'm beginning to understand why so many brides end up looking like this:

Rooooaaaaaaarrrrrr!