Names, Again?!?!?!

So my honey and I had a round-about slightly too emotional debate about names again. He's cool with whatever I want to do, and the debate wasn't actually about us, but rather about the practice of taking your husband's name in general. Up until recently (see below), there wasn't even a spot on marriage certificates for the husband to change his name. This is, unfortunately, extremely close-minded and totally American. When I looked at the practices of other countries, I found that women usually keep their last name, take both names, or even combine names. In Japan, if the woman is the last of her line or if the son is a second son, the man will take his wife's name. My honey's uncomfortableness stemmed from the idea that a man taking his wife's name wasn't "normal", but when you look around you can see that what's normal is different for different people.

I don't actually want my honey to take my last name, but I do want him to acknowledge that it's perfectly reasonable for a guy to take his girl's name instead of vice versa. The history of marriage is based on change, most of the practices we associate with marriage today are only from the past 50-100 years. It used to be totally normal for an old man to marry an 11 year old, or for a woman to literally be sold to her husband. Now we're on the cusp of gay marriage, marriage is changing again and it only makes sense that naming practices should change with it. In fact, there was a measure on the ballot in California for marriage licenses to include a spot for the man to change his name that recently passed and I'm sure it will be perfectly normal for naming to go either way in another 50 years.

In addition, there's a weird sort of perception surrounding name changing or not. In a recent article by Catherine Rampell in the New York Times, a group of Dutch researchers found that women who change their name when they marry make nearly $400,000 less over their lifetimes than women who do not. They are also viewed as older, less educated, and unmotivated compared to women who don't change their names. While I feel like this study isn't entirely accurate, it does make me feel bad about the whole name changing thing. I hope that any lingering perception about whether a woman changes her name or doesn't will also be a thing of the past given enough time.

For me personally, an accidental indirect interaction with my charming sperm donor has just made the naming debate a whole lot easier. I think I'm finally ready to say "I do" to my honey's last name and "don't let the door hit you on the ass" to my sperm donor's last name. It won't be because I want to be an old, unintelligent, uneducated poor woman, but rather because I've reached the point where I'm ready to entirely distance myself from my father's family.