Irresponsible Parenting and Bitterness

So miss Milou and I were wrapping up her agility class at the park when a little boy wanders up. He's maybe 2-3 years old, still in diapers, Hispanic, no phone number on any of his clothing tags, and is too scared to respond to English or Spanish. We figure he must have wandered over from one of the baseball diamonds near by so the a few members of the agility class fan out and start asking each group if they're missing a child. There's two baseball diamonds, a soccer field, several picnic areas, large open space. About 20 minutes passes, the little boy still won't say anything and none of the groups on our side of the very large park are claiming him. We call the police, report the found child, and keep waiting.

After about 35 minutes, three older children come walking up and call "Andrew!". He is apparently their brother but no one noticed him missing until now. Mom and dad casually stroll up a few minutes later, perfectly calm and say "oh there he is". My classmates and I have been pretty upset that no one has come looking for him until now, and politely speak with the parents.  

Us: Um your child has been with us for over half an hour. We called the police. How did you not notice him missing?? 
Mom: "oh, they were playing and he must have wandered off" She was completely, genuinely unconcerned.
Us: .....
Us: The police are going to be here in a few minutes. We'll send them to you when they get here.
Me: You should put your phone number on his tags so we have some way to contact you...
Mom: Yeah, I really should have those tags in his clothes.


WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE. You lose your toddler still in diapers and don't notice for half and hour??? They weren't even looking for him. He wandered over to the compete opposite side of the park, almost half a mile and no one noticed? How the fuck are you not losing your shit?? What the fuck is wrong with these people? Every single member of our Agility class would have freaked out had their dog been missing for 2 minutes, let alone a small child.

We called the police back just as they were pulling up so we directed them over to the parents. I try not to judge parents because shit happens and you never know the whole story. Parenting is hard, children can slip away quickly and you can't keep your eyes on them every second. But I can't imagine losing my baby still in diapers, not noticing they were missing, and not caring or being concerned.  This park has two large and busy parking lots and borders a busy street. There is an archery range with sharp arrows and dog walkers with loose dogs. Someone could have picked him up and been miles and miles away in the time it took mom to notice the boy was missing.

This family had at least 4 children that we saw and apparently all those eyes couldn't keep an eye on one, slow moving toddler. Situations like this make me really angry at the universe.  E and I can't have a healthy baby but this family can have at least 4 children that they can't manage to keep track of?

(Where's myyyyyy baby??)

I'm having a major bitter moment over here. I'm really glad the little boy was safe and I hope the police told them to keep a better eye on their child.

Options: IVF with PGD or IUI

People in my situation have two not so fabulous but viable options for having a healthy genetically related baby.

Option A: IVF with PGD, my eggs and donor sperm
Option B: IUI, my eggs and donor sperm

Option A is quite expensive. It would involve doing IVF which would run us about $20-$30k. I am unlikely to respond well to stimulation so we aren't likely to get very many eggs, no matter how many hormones they throw at me. Any eggs we did get would be fertilized with donor sperm and biopsied on day 5 for PGD testing.  Luckily, Kaiser will cover PGD which will save us about $8,000 but it can be hard on the embryos and not all will make it. If we were lucky enough to have healthy embryos, we would do a FET, or frozen embryo transfer and hope that they take. We may potentially need to do IVF several times to get healthy, viable embryos.

Option B is essentially a roll of the dice with 50/50 odds. We would do an insemination with donor sperm and hopefully get pregnant. We would then do CVS testing as soon as possible, probably around 11 weeks, and then wait with everything crossed for the results to come back. If they come back negative, we get to have a healthy baby. If they come back positive, we would need to terminate the pregnancy. Kaiser will cover unlimited IUIs for us, so the bulk of the expense would be donor sperm, about $4,000 for 5 vials, but we would have to endure a 50% chance of terminating a desperately wanted pregnancy at around 14-15 weeks. I don't know how I'm going to cope with that.

(Source)

Our other options for a baby would be using an egg donor and sperm donor, adopting left over embryos, or adopting a baby.

I was originally leaning heavily towards IVF with PGD but IUI may potentially yield better results. People with FXPOI have a better chance of getting pregnant naturally or via IUI since we respond so poorly to fertility drugs. E is on board with either decision, though he would strongly prefer the option that doesn't bankrupt us.

Fragile X Premutation

You might recall from my last infertility post that the genetic counselor decided to test me for Fragile X as a last attempt to explain my ovarian failure. Since my family has no history of Fragile X, any type of Mental Retardation or even Autism, I didn't think much about it. As it turns out, this was a bad move on my part.

As I hung up from a very successful conference call for work, my cell rang again in my hand. I didn't recognize the number, but since I'd been talking to three different states, I assumed it was work related and picked up without much thought.  Instead of my web developer, it was the genetic counselor from Kaiser. In a voice too cheerful for the subject matter, she gently explained that my results came back positive for a Fragile X premutation. Normal people have between 0 and 54 trinucleotide repeats in their FMR1 gene on their X chromosomes, although some argue that there's another intermediate category between 45-54 repeats. Both of these repeat categories are stable, if mom or dad has 30 repeats, their kids will get 30 repeats and the allele will remain stable.  There might be the tiniest bit of growth in the 45-54 region, if mom has 47 her child might have 50, but the again it's fairly stable.

People with Fragile X have over 200 CCG repeats, leaving a murky grey area in between for carriers with a premutation, 55-200. My test came back with 99 CGG trinucleotide repeats, putting me squarely into the group of carriers. The problem with this category is that the larger the repeat size, the more unstable it becomes. Although my other X chromosome is normal, a repeat of 99 on my bad X has, on the lower end, an 80% chance of expanding to a full mutation if passed on. This means that if my child received my faulty X, they would likely have full blown Fragile X. This is absolutely devastating news.

In addition to the crushing fear that my child might inherit severe mental retardation, we finally have an explanation for my failing ovaries. About 20% of women with a Fragile X premutation have premature ovarian failure, FXPOF or FXPOI. Women with more than 80 repeats are supposed to be at a lower risk for POF than those with smaller repeat sizes, but apparently my body didn't get the memo. This means that all the lovely symptoms I've been complaining about for years, hello hot flashes, night sweats, and weight gain, were because my ovaries were shutting down and my hormones were tanking as they tend to do when you go through menopause. Apparently my ovaries may continue to shut off, or spaztically turn back on every so often if they feel like it and only 5-10% of women with FXPOF can have children. Thus far I still appear to be making eggs every month so we're crossing our fingers that all hope is not lost yet. As you might be able to tell, I don't feel particularly hopeful.

In addition, I have to watch out for FXTAS.  Although it tends to be a bigger problem for men with only one X chromosome, rather than women who have some protection from their good chromosome, FXTAS causes ataxia, tremors, memory loss, dementia, a loss of feeling and weakness in the lower legs, and even mental and behavioral changes.  Basically, another horrific possibility, even if it usually effects men.

If you've been following along thus far, let's take a look at our odds.

Me:
0.44% or 1 in 225 women have a Fragile X Premutation
20% of women with a premutation have POF, or 20% of 0.44% which is 0.088%

E:
0.033% - 0.05% of men have y chromosome infertility
10% of Y chromosome infertility involves a deletion in the b region, so 0.0033% -  0.005%

Can you imagine the odds of both of us having such catastrophic genetic infertility?

Seriously, what in the ever loving fuck universe.

What. The. Fuck.

Hasa Diga Eebowai

This week, E and I got some pretty awful infertility news. I know that seems ridiculous, since we've already received just about all the awful infertility news possible, but apparently the universe was not done with us. I don't quite feel ready to talk about it yet so I'm going to talk about The Book of Mormon instead.

As you know, E and I were unsuccessful at getting tickets for our anniversary. Instead, we picked the next day E had off, which happened to be last Thursday, and bought some killer seats down in the Orchestra section. The Book of Mormon has some complex, fast paced songs so if you're going I highly recommend seats pretty close to the stage. You can catch the gist from anywhere in the theater but if you want to hear every raunchy, dirty, word you need to be up close.

Which brings us to one of the primary points, the absolute filthiness of this musical. Make no mistake, The Book of Mormon was absolutely hilarious but it is definitely way out there. You should prepare yourself in advance so you're not shocked when they start dropping C bombs left and right.  Don't let the foul language and taboo themes keep you away though,  it's absolutely worth seeing if you can get seats before it's gone.

The basic plot revolves around two young Mormon men, Elder Price and Elder Cunningham. Although they couldn't be more different, they get paired together for their 2 year Mormon mission in sunny Uganda. Their job is to go out there and convert as many Ugandans as possible, because God loves Mormons and he wants some more. The only problem with their plan is that the Ugandan's are a little too busy starving, dying from AIDS and being tortured by the warlord General Butt Fucking Naked to be interested in converting. The situation is further complicated by Elder Price's waning faith, it's hard to blame him when people are being shot in the face, and Elder Cunningham's compulsive lying. These two will be the most colorful Mormon's you've ever seen, and although the writer's take liberties with just about everything, your sides will hurt from laughing when the curtain falls.

 If you're in the Los Angeles area, E and I would highly recommend you see it at the Pantages. The theater itself is gorgeous, the cast was spot on, and there isn't a bad seat in the house. Just don't go with anyone who might be offended by comedic foul language, racism, sexism, or just about any other awful and taboo concept you can think of.

In the meantime, E and I will try to stop saying Hasa Diga Eebowai and remember that tomorrow is a latter day. It can't get much worse, so things can only look up from here.

3 Years, Just Us 2

This year, E and I decided to go low key for our anniversary week. E was only able to get two days off work and we didn't feel like rushing to go somewhere out of town. We considered checking into a hotel for a staycation as well, but couldn't quite muster the energy for it. Our bed is pretty comfortable, and it comes with Milou and our kitties, which is hard to beat.

Baby S and E, a lifetime ago

So, we spent the day before celebrating E's mother's boyfriend R's birthday. E's mom and R have been dating for over a decade so he usually refers to us as his son and daughter in law. About a year ago, R did some electrical work for this wonderful, hip Venice restaurant called The Barnyard, and since then the chef has been bugging R to come eat there.  Since we finally had an excuse, we decided to head there for dinner to celebrate. The chef was truly amazing, everything was fresh, organic and delicious and we would go back in a heart beat. E had the chicken, which turned out to be phenomenal, and I had a decadent steak. Even the olives warmed in oil were amazing, and I'm not usually an olive fan. At the end of the evening, the chef comped our 9 person dinner as a birthday gift for R. You truly couldn't pick a better restaurant and chef if you have a reason to celebrate or just want a delicious meal.
On our actual anniversary, we played it very low key. E surprised me with Roses, Orchids and groceries (!) when I woke up and we spent the morning lounging in bed. It was so sweet, and so thoughtful,  even though E is usually awesome about that stuff anyway. We had hoped to get tickets to see The Book of Mormon, which is supposed to be hilarious, but weren't able to find some for a decent price on such short notice. Instead, we decided on a blast from the past and headed down PCH to a little restaurant we spent New Years Eve at years and years ago.   It's a little hole in the wall, Italian place right across from the water that makes a mean truffle ravioli.  PCH is probably my favorite road to drive and we got to wind up and down the coast enjoying the ocean and each other's company.

All in all, I'd say it was a relaxing couple of days and I'm so happy to celebrate another year together with E. Although I'm hoping this is the last anniversary we spend just the two of us for a long time, I couldn't imagine spending my life with anyone else. We've been dealing with a LOT lately in our quest to build our family, with bad news followed by more bad news, and I couldn't do it if I didn't have E to lean on.

Happy 3rd/12th Anniversary my love. No matter how we make our family happen, and how we tackle the shit news we seem to keep getting, the important thing is that we do it together. You're my everything and I love you like crazy.

Genetics Expanded

After waiting two months for an appointment with a genetic counselor, E and I finally got in to see one this morning. As expected, they had the results on E's second genetic screening which confirmed his diagnosis of Y chromosome infertility due to an AZFb microdeletion.

They were fascinated with E and the fact that he has any sperm at all. With his genetic profile, he shouldn't be able to produce any sperm but has still had counts as high as 23 million. I would have liked to talk about the particulars more, but ultimately the end result is same, 20 million or 2, his non-motile swimmers are not usable.

The counselor got more info on our families but couldn't really suss out why we both have fertility problems. For a multitude of reasons, both our families are fairly small, and with such a small sample size it's tough to draw good conclusions. We can assume that E's infertility occurred de novo, as a fluke, while mine is still unexplained. They're testing me for fragile x syndrome as a last ditch explanation, since my family consists of all girls for two generations, but it's fairly rare to have a completely silent carrier and I don't have any of the symptoms or markers for the disease aside from my lack of eggies. E was almost late for work so I couldn't get my labs drawn today and will have to go back.

The counselor was really analytical which I appreciate, I approached the situation in the same manner and it made it really easy to connect with him. He understood my desire to have 5 years of egg fertility data to look at before making a decision (sadly impossible) and suggested we come up with a wall sized algorithm to predict all possible choices.  We went over pretty much every situation from E's sperm and my egg to egg and sperm donors. I think we have a somewhat solid plan of action.

**The Plan!**
1. Get my labs done for Fragile X and possibly CMV antibody. CMV antibody status is important for picking a donor. Done!
2. Decide if E is going to have the stimulated semen analysis to confirm for sure that his sperm is unusable.
      a. If E's sperm can't be stimulated, we go with a donor
      b. If E's sperm can be stimulated and is usable, we begin proceedings for IVF with ICSI
          - If E's sperm is usable, we will gender select so as not to pass on the mutation
3. Assuming E's sperm is unusable, we need to pick the donor. I want this to be mostly E's choice. I'm thinking a local sperm bank would be best so we can order the day before it's needed and courier it over.
4. Purchase donor sperm. We need to decide how many vials we want and how many will be stored.
5. Decide whether we're doing a stimulated cycle to see how I respond and try to get a better idea of my egg reserve, or proceed directly to a medicated cycle and IUI
6. Proceed with a medicated IUI cycle
7. Hopefully get pregnant!

While I definitely still have that I might cry sensation at the back of my throat, I am feeling a little better and more prepared. My biggest concerns are that I might be pushing E and not allowing him enough time to grieve. I've been really waring with myself on what we should do next and how we can balance my time crunch with his coping and emotional well being. Today, the genetic counselor said something along the lines of "people take fertility for granted, like gravity. It's just something that's there. But the reality is that for many people it isn't". I talked about how, cost aside, I wished our rolls could be reversed because I don't care about being genetically related to my child but E does/did.

Although we already knew it, the counselor said that not being able to have biological children is horrible and devastating and may always hurt, but that's normal and okay. I think that really helped E to hear this since he's been struggling with the idea that he may never be 100% okay with not having  genetically related children. I think he understands now that it's okay for that to always hurt a little, but it doesn't have to prevent us from having a family and kids that are his in every way that matters. He doesn't have to be thrilled about it, he just has to be at peace with it. I told E the only things I need him to be 100% on are 1. That he still wants children and 2. The donor we pick. As long as he's sure about these two things, I think we'll be okay.

New Kitty Duds

Thanks to a fabulous custom collar maker, our fur babies have some seriously awesome new duds. The cat collars are webbing with ribbon on top and a buckle closure, Milou has a leather collar with webbing, a ribbon, and a martingale closure. Everyone is so cute!

Zuzu (white) has a blue leaf ribbon on blue webbing. Cillian (stripey) has a peacock ribbon on green webbing.

Zena has a dandelion blue ribbon on wine colored webbing.

Milou is rocking a purple and green owl ribbon on purple webbing and warm brown leather.

Unfortunately, the cats are fast destroying their beautiful collars. Their sharp little nails are picking away at the ribbon and pulling at the threads every time they scratch themselves, while Milou's is still in perfect shape. It's nothing that could have been prevented since they've destroyed all their other collars as well but I wish they could have kept their claws away a little bit longer!

Kitty Condo Window

Hey Mom, this condo needed a window. So I had my cousin put one in. What do you think? It really adds some character, no?