Wallowing

Since our BFN yesterday, I've allowed myself to wallow a bit in the disappointment. I cheated on my diet with some In-N-Out yesterday, WITH a chocolate shake, but it was woefully unsatisfying. I think my taste buds may have changed since I started this crazy diet, the shake felt gross in my mouth and the fries were like oily cardboard.  Boo.

I couldn't let my self pity end on such a disappointing note, so today I went for something with a solid track record; a coffee bean Ice Blended and a beef-lamb doner wrap from Spitz. Both were delicious and I'm satisfied that my wallowing has come to a successful, timely end.

Also right on time was my period, I stopped the progesterone last night and started spotting this afternoon. I have my next baseline ultrasound and consultation appointment tomorrow but I'll have to cancel it if the spotting doesn't turn into a full blown period. It's incredible that you spend so much of the month hoping your period stays away but once that test is negative, you can't wait for it to show up. This infertility journey is a crazy one.

For the discussion tomorrow, I'm weighing two different options:

Option 1 - birth control to suppress, the max dose of Menopur to stimulate, and either IUI or IVF depending on the follicle count.

Cons: People with Fragile X premutations are notoriously poor responders to stimulation. We'll be spending about $3500 on the medication and might still only get one egg. If we did get enough for IVF,  which would run about 20-30k, the probe for PGD would be very, very difficult to make. Not many genetics labs work with donors because blood samples are almost always unavailable. The one I spoke with would need blood and genetic profiles from me, my sister, and my mother. They would also need 2 vials of sperm from our donor and I think we'd need pre-approval from Kaiser. We wouldn't be able to switch donors for any reason once this was done. Our eggs might not fertilize, the embryos might arrest, they might not survive biopsy, they might all have Fragile X, they could not implant.

Option 2 - A less medicated cycle with letrozole or clomid and IUI

Cons: I don't know how I'll respond to less stimulation. I could potentially not respond at all, although that wouldn't be much different than how I respond to the stronger drugs. IUI only has a 20% chance of working. It could fail again or it could work but the child could have Fragile X and we'd have to terminate.

I'm not sure where my head is at the moment. I think I'm leaning towards doing option 1, one more expensive, super medicated cycle to see if it's possible to stimulate me to make a lot of eggs. If that doesn't work and I only make a couple, I'd feel more comfortable scaling things back and trying a letrozole cycle. I don't see any reason to continue paying thousands for 1 egg when I can get the same result for less. Thanks ovaries.

I wish there was a guaranteed or proven method out there but they don't exist. I keep hearing that us Fragile X carriers do better with IUI but the idea of having an actively dividing, healthy embryo to put back is a tempting one.