Cycle 2 Trigger Time

I slept pretty poorly last night, which isn't a terrible surprise given my nerves, and didn't get to take full advantage of the time change and extra hour of sleep. I think I got up three times to pee (thanks hormones) and finally gave up on going back to bed around 7:30am. I had been worried about how I was going to take my morning meds since my appointment was at 8:45am, I usually start prepping my shot at 9 and inject around 9:25am, but I neglected to take into account the time change. With the extra hour, my shot clock was moved up to 8am and I was able to finish both injections before I had to leave.

My view from the ultrasound table

The clinic was pretty much empty with only a couple other people there for monitoring and I got in to do my blood in a flash. The lady tech was working today and she was able to get my arm vein in one go, giving my poor bruised hand a much needed break. She's gotten pretty darn good at finding that vein, I know certain techs have better luck with different patients, it's too bad she only works over the weekends.

After bloodwork it was on to the ultrasound, where I got to spend a few minutes waiting for the tech and admiring the fake sky ceiling tiles. When all these cycles are done and I'm good and pregnant,  I'd like to go back to Hawaii with E and enjoy some real tropical skies. I think we've definitely earned it and as long as it's safe to fly, I can't see any reason why a little bean couldn't bake just as well on the beach in Hanalei Bay as it can here at home.

The tech for this ultrasound was really thorough, I think she knew I was disappointed with the results we've been getting and she checked and double checked to make sure she wasn't leaving out any potential follicle that could be hiding. I'm still waiting to hear back from Dr. D with the results of my lab work, but from what the nurse said, it looks like we're going to be taking a stab at 4-5 follies - the 17, 20, 22, 22 and 26. Unfortunately the 26 is likely too mature to fertilize and the 17 is probably too immature but I'm not giving up on them just yet. We could still get 4 good eggs that turn into 4 good embryos to add to our batch.

12.6mm lining, nice and thick

My lining has also finally picked up which should be another sign that the follies are putting out a good amount of estrogen and it's time to trigger. I don't have the grapefruit sized ovaries feeling since I have so few follicles but I am still feeling bloated with the same weird temple pressure head ache I've had for a week. S says the pressure is dampness in my body so I'll probably ask her to put those needles in again when I go for my acupuncture appointment before retrieval.

Nervous

Oh man, I'm feeling so nervous about tomorrow. It doesn't do me any good to speculate on the next ultrasound but that logic hasn't stopped me from running through all the "what ifs...?" in my head.

• What if we have even less follicles than yesterday? 
• What if the follicles aren't growing?
• What if all the follicles arrested?
• What if Dr. D wants to cancel the cycle?
• And in that vein, if he does want to cancel, how much will we be out?

I tried to talk over the possibility of having to cancel with E, just as a "what if" since he won't be at the appointment with me tomorrow but he didn't take it well. I was trying to figure out the numbers in my head and led with a figure waaaay higher than the actual amount, making him panic and freak out. Not at all helpful and not at all my intention. Crap.

I'm trying to be positive and hopeful that these 5 follies I have will look wonderful and mature and have healthy, perfectly fertilizing and growing eggs in them. That said, I can't not consider all the possibilities when the cycle looks so disappointing compared to last time. I think if Dr. D were going to cancel he would/should have done so already, instead of letting me stim for almost two weeks, so I don't see this happening. But, if we do have to cancel, the cycle rolls over and we are out the services/medications that we have already used. For this cycle, that would be:

• All monitoring appointments that I've had including ultrasounds and labs
• All medication I've used thus far 

This would leave quite a bit left to roll over:

• ICSI take two which we've already paid for
• Embryo Biopsy
• Egg Retrieval with anesthesia etc 
• Cryopreservation and storage
• Any unused medication, in this case it would be just the Novarel and a day of Menopur
• Any unused money ear marked for monitoring 

So really, it could be worse. If for some reason I walk in tomorrow and they say we need to cancel, we wouldn't be paying for the entire cycle all over again. It would just suck incredibly, but not as much as going ahead and getting no embryos.

Come on follicles. Come on eggs. I need you to be good and healthy in there. I don't think E could take cancelling a cycle and I couldn't handle giving up on getting more embryos to test. I've put too much of myself, my marriage, my heart, my hope, my love, my health, my body, into this to give up on one crappy cycle.