Medicated FET

I just got the list of things we'll need to get done before our medicated FET can begin. I was hoping we wouldn't need to get to everything on the list before I can even start birth control but no such luck.

First up:

• Get financial clearance, this means calling their financial manager and getting her approval to go ahead with the FET. I'm waiting for a call back from her on Monday. On the subject of money, Reprogenetics never asked us for payment for adding on PGS to our PGD testing, even though I called them and tried to give them my credit card at least 8 times. Maybe they tried to bill my insurance for the PGS as well as the PGD since we had an abnormal embryo? I don't know but I hope it doesn't hold us up. I'm prepared for the clinic's financial person to bring it up just in case and I'm expecting them to send a bill any day.

 Next on the list:

• Get yet another infectious disease panel. I had a huge panel run when we started infertility testing that I had transferred over to the clinic before we started IVF.  Apparently it is now out of date; it needs to be done within a year and since mine is technically from last August, I need a new one. I really don't want to pay a ton out of pocket for it at the clinic so I'm going to see if I can get my OB-GYN to order it. 

Third one isn't so bad:

• Go in person with E to sign consent forms for thaw and transfer. It would have been nice if we could sign and email the forms but to do that we'd need to have them notarized which is just as inconvenient and not going to happen. Instead, I just need to find a time we can both go in to take care of it. 

And finally, progress!

• Order all the meds! They're thinking BCPs, Lupron, Estrace, Progesterone in oil (not sesame!), HCG, baby asprin, Endometrin, Z pack, Medrol, and Naproxen. They also offer Valium but I'm going to pass on that since I'm not a nervous wreck. It's really for patients who can't relax for the procedure but having been through two IUIs (I've been told an IVF transfer feels just like an IUI, basically painless) a HSG and a Hysteroscopy without meds I'm quite sure I don't need it.

My one gripe is I actually had to call and request the list myself, because I need to be super psycho prepared for this stuff in advance, and I kind of wish they would have taken the initiative to send it sooner. If all this needs to be done before I start medication and I was told to "call on the first day of my period", leaving 2-3 days before I'd need to be on medication, I'm not sure how I was supposed to get this done in that time frame. I'm probably starting to PMS a bit since my period is right around the corner but it's rubbing me the wrong way a bit - shouldn't they be more on top of getting me this information? I'm now waiting on a second email from the nurse as well, giving me the details about which tests they want me to ask my OB-GYN to run. It makes me wonder if they think I'll probably get bumped for the holidays so there's no rush :/  

I really hope not, I'm so ready to get this embie back home where they belong! I am going to make this baby to stick through sheer force of will and the sooner I get them back into my body, the better.

TWO BABIES To Be Thankful For!

We got our results a day early! We have TWO HEALTHY EMBRYOS! TWO!

We followed statistics for my mutation transmission almost exactly. We had a 50/50 shot of the embryos being healthy and we sent in 6 embryos. 3 of the 6 tested were mutation free, but unfortunately one of those 3 had a tiny chromosomal deletion. I asked if there was any way this frostie might still be viable but Dr. D said that with deletions like this, there are usually other segments or things missing as well. This makes me so grateful we decided to add on the PGS, without it we wouldn't have found out that this frostie is sick and would have had a heartbreaking miscarriage or worse, might have had to terminate for defects incompatible with life.

I'm so relieved, I feel like I'm going to cry and possibly be sick at the same time. We still have a long way to go, these babies need to stick! but we're so much closer to actually holding a healthy baby. After seeing so many of these cycles yield nothing to transfer, I'm so, so happy we have healthy babies to transfer.

We are all made of stars

Dr. D needs to confirm it, but it looks like one embryo came from our first batch and one from the second. They're both hatching blasts and although Dr. D told us the genders, we've decided to keep it a surprise. We'd really like at least one thing to be normal about our pregnancy process and since nothing else has been, this is going to be it.

After getting the good news, I asked Dr. D whether he thought we should proceed with our frozen transfer or whether he thought we needed to cycle again and try to get more embryos. They usually say (without PGS) that you need 2-3 embryos per child you'd like to have, and since E and I would love 2-3, but would be happy with any at this point, I knew with only 2/6 that we might need to cycle again. As I've said before, we don't know how quickly my fertility is going downhill but we definitely know it is going. I was ready to hear that we'd need to do this whole process again but Dr. D feels that with my age, if we need IVF again in the near future I should still be young enough to produce some good eggs. I'm not sure if I agree because FXPOI complicates things in ways not reflected by age but I'm going with it.

We have so much to be thankful for this year that I'm overwhelmed thinking about it all. I'm thankful for E and our friendship and marriage, going through this is incredibly difficult and I think it's amazing that we've been able to stay strong and united. I'm thankful for all our friends and family members, who have been incredibly supportive and have helped us stay sane thus far, especially through all the mind numbing waiting. I'm thankful for Dr. D and SCRC for helping us get these two embryos, who with any luck will both be coming home with us as two healthy babies. I'm thankful for IVF and especially for PGD, I'm so grateful that we live in a time where we have the tools and technology to create and screen embryos for so many horrible diseases. And I'm so, so thankful for the two healthy embryos, our two little fighters, who for the first time have given us a real shot at a healthy family.

With a whole lot of hope, wishing, crossed fingers, science and love, we will have a healthy baby in our arms this time next year.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope you have a wonderful holiday with all of your loved ones.

Waiting, Wondering, Worrying

Well here we are, the day before Thanksgiving, the day before we're supposed to get our results. I thought I'd been dealing with the waiting and what ifs pretty well, I've been staying super busy and for the most part haven't allowed myself to think or dwell on it. I've been intently picking out super cute leggings from various Aussie websites (It's turning into an addiction and I don't even have my first pair yet), hunting for boots to go with said leggings, working on my aquarium which is always soothing and getting everything ready for Thanksgiving. I haven't been counting the hours but it would pop into my head every few days that we were that much closer to results. Somehow they always seemed far off, something that would be happening in the future.

Now, it's the night before and I'm thinking I'm not so okay. After a conversation about socializing with friends turned into a conversation about parents and babies, I suddenly felt quite irrationally emotional, like a cup in the process of overflowing. It's clear that even though I haven't been consciously dwelling on it, my subconscious has been drowning. I tend to internalize things so I can carry on calmly and I now feel like an idiot for genuinely not knowing why my hair seemed to be falling out the other day. It's one of the telltale giveaways that I'm under stress but at the time I couldn't think what it could be. Way to block out the big stuff brain, I'm sure that's super healthy.

On what will likely be the eve of our PGD results reveal unless the clinic closes for Thanksgiving, which is still a possibility, it appears my brain has run out of distractions. It's hit me like a freight train that this is it and I don't know what to do.  I can't stop going over horrible things even though I'm trying to put only positive energy and thoughts out there.

We still haven't paid for our PGS. H never called me back to get our credit card. Does this mean all our embryos were effected so they never did the PGS screening?

What if all our embryos are sick? What if we went through this for nothing?

What if they don't call with our results? How will I get through Thanksgiving with all those people? How will I get through it anyway if it's bad news?

E just got sick and has probably now exposed me. Will that effect our FET if when we get there?

I'm so, so scared our results won't be good. We've been through so much, I've been through so much I need these frozen babies to be healthy.  Now all I can think about is the worst case scenario and I feel like I'm going to choke on the lump it brings to my throat. Please be healthy embryos. Please be healthy.